'AITA for excluding my adopted nephew from a Christmas experience because of his behavior?" UPDATED
"AITA for taking my biological nieces on days out and excluding my adopted nephew?"
auntinagony says:
I (42F) have two nieces, Flo (14F) and Ivy (11F), and a nephew, Ryan (10M), through my brother Tom (46M) and SIL Kate (45F). Flo and Ivy are biologically theirs, and they adopted Ryan two years ago after fostering him for three years. I live locally to them—we are usually super close—and I have my own daughter, Ava (12F), who my nieces are close to.
Before foster care, Ryan’s life was awful, and he has some behavioural and developmental issues. He struggles to sit quietly through long events such as shows, whether in the theatre or during the girls’ plays/recitals, so the girls rarely have both parents supporting them.
His behavior can sometimes be unpredictable, and he occasionally has loud and physical meltdowns, so they have to be careful where they take him. As such, whenever my husband and I take Ava to the theatre or other activities that Ryan wouldn’t like, we bring the girls along too. Sometimes Tom and Kate pay for them, and sometimes we do.
We have never brought Ryan out without his parents and sisters because he has really different interests from the girls, I don’t feel confident handling his behaviour, and Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value the Ryan-free time. Since then, I’ve made extra effort to be there; Ryan’s a great kid, but he needs a lot of attention, and my nieces need people who are 100% in their corner.
Anyway, I am taking the girls to a Christmas theme park in London on Friday. It’s quite an expensive one (UK readers, if you know, you know), and I have the joy of footing the bill for all three. On Sunday, I got a call from Kate asking if Ryan could come with us on Friday. He had seen adverts and heard the girls talking about it, and he wanted to go.
She offered to pay for whatever he did. I told Kate no because I didn’t know what he was like in crowds. She said he went two years ago, loved it, and his sisters were there to help him if he was struggling. I said that wasn’t fair on them.
I booked it as a girls’ trip, and it is supposed to be a treat—I don’t want it cut short, and I don’t feel comfortable parentifying the girls. I know Tom’s taking Ryan to London next week, so I told Kate to book tickets for that day, but by that point, she wasn’t listening.
She criticised me for insinuating that siblings caring for each other was parentifying, accused me of being ableist since Ryan can’t help his conditions and shouldn’t be excluded, and said I was biased against the kid I’m not related to. It got very heated and ended with me saying, “Read the room—it’s a girls’ day,” and her hanging up.
Anyway, she went to the girls and said that either they ask me for Ryan to come or they can’t go. Flo texted me begging not to let him come and asked if they could still join us, while Ivy is more torn because she doesn’t want her brother to be left out but also doesn’t want to risk her day being ruined.
My mother, Tom, and sister have contacted me, saying I should bring Ryan to avoid showing favourites and to be inclusive. My husband is on my side. AITA?
OP responded to some top rated comments:
jigsawsandroses says:
NTA. You’re right - Flo and Ivy need someone in their corner and are lucky to have an aunt who takes them to do stuff their brother can not. Are their parents usually not in their corner? And are they parentified?
OP responded:
Their parents are in their corners a lot, when it comes to hobbies and school etc but Ryan is a tricky topic. I couldn't mention due to the character limit but there's been a few times where he has lashed out at them during outbursts and they have mentioned it to their parents, who basically tell them to be understanding as he can't help it and had a rough childhood.
I do get that and he is a great kid for the most part, just hard to predict and hard to calm down. In terms of parentifying, they are usually good at not putting it on the girls and the kids are close in age. Flo refuses to babysit him alone as he is nearly her height and probably stronger and the one time they tried, she walked him to mine.
There were a few clashes with the school when Ivy was there as Kate tried to insist that Ivy be bought in to comfort him if he was really inconsolable and her and Tom couldn't be there and the school refused. She's now in secondary and he's still in primary so wonder what it will be like next year when he goes to their school.
lawfox32 says:
NTA. I notice that Kate didn't offer to have her or Tom come with and make sure Ryan does okay, which would have allayed all of your concerns. Also, you're paying, so it's rude for her to ask you to pay for, and watch, another child. It doesn't sound like Kate has expressed an issue with you taking the girls and not Ryan before, so it's not fair for her to lay down ultimatums now.
For an event that she already agreed to and that was already planned, and it was very inappropriate for her to tell her daughters that they have to ask you if Ryan can come or they can't go. Either she can say no to them going without him, or let them go, but she shouldn't put her kids in the middle like that.
OP responded:
Character count didn't let me put it in but they both work on Fridays, so neither of them work. Think he's due to go to my sister's house that day but not 100% sure.
OP posted an update later that day.
Sh%t has hit the fan, basically. I removed the previous update as I was too sleep-deprived to write the title properly. Your comments made me realise that I am right not to bring Ryan.
It’s not safe with just me, and especially after reading comments from people who have special needs children/siblings who have had to pull all children out of days out because there weren’t enough adults, I’m not doing that.
The girls also deserve to do the things they want. I will also make a conscious effort to do stuff with Ryan. I’m going to suggest to Tom that he and I take Ryan to Legoland when it reopens in the Spring.
A recap of characters: Me (42F), my daughter Ava (12F), my brother Tom (46M), his wife Kate (45F), and their kids Flo (14F), Ivy (11F), and Ryan (10M). The new players are my husband Ben (43M), mine and Tom’s sister Mia (40F), and my mum (70F).
Because of the character limit, I couldn’t elaborate on a few things. I do spend quality time with Ryan, just not on days out. We both love Lego, which Ava doesn’t, so it’s great to have someone to bond with over that. We see each other quite often since we live a 15-minute walk away.
It’s usually at their house as it’s easier to manage one kid rather than three. Sometimes he’ll choose to hang with the girls, where they play something they all enjoy like Mario Kart, but most of the time he chooses to hang with me.
He thrives with adults more than other children, which is why his parents endorsed the girls’ days; it meant they could get 2:1 time with him. Most of his meltdowns arise from confrontation with other kids or when his sisters want to do something he doesn’t like.
Back to the story: Ben walked Ava to school today, and Flo and Ivy go to the same school. Flo was waiting by the gates (the girls walk themselves) and asked to talk with him after Ava went in. She said she loves her brother but really values having days out with me, Tom, and Ava because it’s calmer.
When they went to Winter Wonderland two years ago, Ryan was chill for about four hours, but they ended up leaving earlier than planned as he got cranky with all the queues. They started with the rides he wanted, so they had only done one or two the girls wanted and didn’t get to go ice skating, which is what Flo really wanted to do.
She also mentioned that when the family went to a restaurant recently, Ryan threw a fit because the food was taking too long. Tom took him home, and while the girls were trying to chat with Kate, she was too busy messaging Tom to check on Ryan.
I also noticed the girls are at my house a lot lately. Since they walk themselves home, they often go to mine to do homework as it’s empty until I get home at 5:30. Ivy and Ava are in the same class, so they do homework together. Flo often chats to me and Ben about school gossip and other things.
I thought nothing of it, but now I wonder if she even has those chats with her parents. I contacted Tom, and he’s agreed to swing by after work to hash things out. I hope to explain the lack of adults, the girls’ feelings, and the length of the trip so he’ll see reason.