Mother determined to give up parental rights until daughter’s tearful plea changes everything. AITA? UPDATED 3X
"I hate my daughter."
I know this will make me seem bad and all, but above all I really just need a place to vent. I can't talk about it with my friends or family nor do I really want to. I'm 27 and I've had a friends with benefits situation with a guy I went to college with. Let's call him Mark.
We were both young and not ready for a relationship. Then I got pregnant. I told Mark about it since I wanted to discuss our options. Abortion, adoption or even giving him custody if he wanted to. I never wanted kids, so I'd be fine with any compromise.
However, Mark didn't take it well. I remember him insisting we could make it work, especially since we were both in our last year old college. He wanted to get married and for us to be a family. I refused. He got his family involved. They called and texted me all the time, even showing up at my part-time job.
I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I gave up. I had too many things going on at that time like the loss of my mother, the stress with the rest of the family and some stuff going on with my best friend that I won't get into. I remember feeling horrible, but I relented and agreed to keep the baby although I still refused to get married to Mark.
Now we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm a mess. I never wanted kids and although I'm trying, I can't feel any motherly love for her. What makes it worse is that she's genuinely a good kid. She doesn't throw much tantrums, she's always kind and she doesn't expect much.
I feel guilty for hating her. I feel bad all the time. I only get to have her on the weekends and Mark has her every other day, but that doesn't make me feel better. She talks about wanting to see me and her dad together, but I just can't. I screamed at her once when she drew a little picture of me and Mark holding hands. I apologized after, but I still felt so guilty.
I don't know what I'm doing. I just needed to write everything down and get it off my chest. I know I'm a bad mother, I know it. But I don't know how to be better. I don't even know if I want to be better.
I just want to give up my parental rights, but even the thought makes me feel even worse. I'm stuck in a hell of my own making, I know I should've fought harder and probably just abort her. Forget me for being weak, I guess.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
She’s trying to be extra good so you can like her. I used to do that with my mom all the time until one day I made it up in my head that I was done with it.
Yea that part of her story made me so sad for her daughter. That poor kid knows her mom doesn’t want her and is doing everything she can to appease her. OP doesn’t realize but she already made a little codependent people pleaser. She better leave soon while she has time to forget the time before.
She’ll definitely remember and be really deeply effected by it unfortunately, but it may be better in the long run for her…… she should really discuss it with the ex and give him time to come up with a plan to make it easier on the kid.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Some things have happened and I need to write them down, maybe even get some insight. I'll call my daughter Abby for the sake of this post. I ended up telling Mark about my desire to change the custody arrangement and maybe even removing my parental rights. Many people here agreed that it's the best choice, both for me and for Abby.
He didn't take it well and actually texted me about it through the week. He insisted we could work out whatever was bothering me. We agreed a while ago that texting is okay, but calls are for emergencies only. So when he called me on Friday evening and pleaded with me to come see Abby, I agreed.
This is what I really need to talk about. I've seen Abby cry before, but this was something else. She had a complete meltdown, screaming and crying once I got there. She just clung to my leg and screamed at me not to leave her, why did I want to leave her, what did she do wrong.
I cried. I was honestly horrified with how badly she reacted. Mark's mom ended up telling Abby that I was planning on leaving her and she's not going to go to my house this weekend. I had to take Abby to my place sooner than expected and Mark actually spent the night over as well. He said he's too concerned with Abby and with me to leave us alone.
I'm completely lost. Even with the way I said that I want to give up my parental rights, I just can't do it now. The image of Abby crying and pleading with me not to leave is just stuck in my mind. I feel hopeless about the entire situation.
Currently, I'm laying with Abby on the couch and she's watching TV. She hasn't really left my side since yesterday. I'm used to her pointing at the TV while talking about her favorite characters of whatever cartoon is on.
Right now, she's just laying by my side and staying quiet. I can hear Mark moving around in the kitchen. He called in sick to work and said he's staying here for the weekend. I have no idea what to do. And I'm sorry, but I no longer want to leave Abby, that's not an option anymore.
Edit: I'd just like to edit and ask for some suggestions about online therapy? What sites do I look for that I'm sure will help me and don't cost too much? Mark is already looking into therapists for Abby in the area, but I'd like to ask for some individual therapy I could attend online. Maybe even suggestions for child therapists online in case Mark doesn't find anyone.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Gently, OP, and with sympathy for the conflicting tangle of emotions you find yourself in, I think you need to stop posting about this on reddit and I think you need to talk to a professional, asap.
You might get good advice on reddit, but you're bound to get bad advice too, and it is not going to be easy to discern the difference. I don't see what bearing the slings and arrows on a thread like this is really going to do for you or, more importantly, for Abby.
Abby needs a therapist, as do you, as does Mark. Mark's mom needs to take a long walk off a short pier and butt out. If you want to make this work out, whatever that looks like, you need outside support that benefits all of you with no biases. Especially for the kid.
Mark's mom made one appearance in the story and it was to blow up Abby's life. Who knows what else she's been feeding into Abby? This poor baby needs therapy and a safe place to talk.
A month later, the OP returned with another update.
I'm not sure if people are still interested in what's going on here, but here goes. Writing everything down helps me keep track of things and I also want to hear people's thoughts.
For anyone wondering how Abby is doing, she seems to be doing okay. She's still a little clingy with me, but she's back to her happy self. We've been observing her behaviour closely and Mark decided that a therapist isn't needed. I'm not sure I agree with that, but Abby really does seem to be feeling alright.
And for anyone wondering about Mark's mom, she's had no contact with Abby since what happened, though Mark has been talking with her. I've been trying to read all the comments people left on my last posts. What was written about Mark got me thinking.
I haven't actually mentioned it before since I didn't think it was important but back in college we were both using protection with me also being on birth control. I do believe the pregnancy was a genuine accident, though I became a bit paranoid after some of the things people wrote.
Mark has dated some girls for the past few years as far as I'm aware. We haven't had too much contact though. We would mostly end up talking about Abby when we did text.
Still, the past month had been more than weird for me. We've been talking more. He apologized to me a lot. I can't tell if those apologies were real or not. My best friend told me to keep Mark at arm's length, but it's been hard to do that with him coming over more often on the weekends to spend time with Abby and me. He's been inviting me to his home too and I went a few times when Abby really begged me to.
I'm trying to make sense of the situation, but it's hard. I'll be having my first therapy session tomorrow, so there's that too. Online. I guess I'm hoping for some help in the comments? I don't know. I don't know what to expect. I'll try to answer any questions people might have for me, I know this post is probably kind of a mess.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Mark is WRONG. All 3 of you need therapy but poor Abby especially needs therapy. Just bc a child is resilient does not mean trauma won't affect them. GET THAT CHILD IN THERAPY.
Get. Your. Child. Into. Therapy.
Full freaking stop.
Mark and his mom are super concerning to me. They are both being very manipulative with you and your daughter. Telling a kid about adult problems that they aren’t equipped to handle is abusive.
If they cared they could’ve said something like ”mom isn’t feeling great right now, we’re giving her time to feel better so we will be going over less. When we love and care about someone we give them what they need and mom needs a little space right now.” That would’ve been compassionate and explained things on her level.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi. I don't know if anyone is gonna read this, but I have been getting some private messages with people asking about me, so I figured I could make everyone an update.
I've been going to therapy. It's been difficult. Everything was alright at first to be honest. Me and my therapist got to grow comfortable around each other. I think she's nice.
We've been talking about my issues way more recently. Safe to say, it's kinda sad to realize how terrible my life has really been since the start. I've been taking my new medication for a few weeks but I'm not sure it's making a difference.
For anyone wondering, yes, Abby has been seeing a therapist for about two months now. I put my foot down about it for once. Felt weird. Abby's been happier, I think. Me and her therapist occasionally chat about her progress and he's been giving me some tips about what Abby wants.
We've been spending more time together. I have alternative weekends with her now. She's good at solving puzzles. She likes octopuses for some reason. When I walk around the house, she'd attempt to trip me by walking around my legs. Like a cat, I think. It doesn't work, but she keeps trying.
I'm doing the same thing with her that my mom did with me. Cooking is an important skill. For now, she gets to watch me in the kitchen and see how I prepare things. I think I'll let her start giving suggestions and start asking what the proper steps are to making a meal. We're gonna wait a bit before she starts helping around.
I'm sure that some people wonder what happened with Mark. Nothing, to be honest. I stopped opening the door when he came by. He hasn't really been bothering me. We only really talked when we changed the custody arrangement a bit.
We text mainly about Abby again. From what Abby says, Mark's mom has been around again. But I think she's on her best behavior around my daughter since Abby hasn't been asking any weird questions.
I'm not sure what else to say. Things are fine otherwise. Maybe I'll update again if anything interesting happens or to tell people how things changed. Thank you for the people that have been reaching out.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
I've thought about you a lot, really happy to see an update. I'm glad you and Abby started therapy, the best decision that could've been made. I'd like to ask, how are you feeling right now about Abby after starting to get professional help for the both of you? How is she feeling now, that you can tell? Hugs, OP, I wish you and her the best🫂🤍
Outoftheasylum (OP)
My therapist explained that I don't hate Abby, not really. I've had a lot of resentment bubbled up inside due to the circumstances and timing of her birth. I've been officially diagnosed with PPD, so that certainly didn't make things better. She encouraged me to take things slow and not feel pressured into immediately becoming an attentive and loving mother.
Grandma is a total and complete AH.