'I have face blindness, my BF likes to test me. How do I make it clear this isn't okay?' UPDATED 6X

There's a massive difference between a prank and straight-up messing with someone in a disturbing way.

"I (25F) have face blindness, my BF (24M) likes to test me. How do I make it clear this is not okay?"

I’ve been with my BF for almost a year now. I love him dearly, and he loves me too (I’m guessing) but there’s one thing that’s causing a lot of issues for us. I suffer from prosopagnosia/face blindness, which means it’s really hard for me to recognize people’s faces. I usually go by other characteristics to put a name to a person, like hairstyle/facial hair, marks, skin color, accessories, etc.

But it’s still really tough. It’s caused me severe anxiety and other mental health struggles. I’m lucky to have wonderful people around me though, who are aware and try to help. They’ll introduce themselves when we start talking, wear something they know I’ve linked to them, or whatever. Usually my BF does this too, but sometimes he likes to ‘test’ me & it’s incredibly stressful.

He shaved of his beard once, a few times he wore a completely different style of clothing, or changed his hairstyle, all without warning me. In those moments he won’t tell me who he is, or say someone else’s name, just to see if I’ll figure out it’s him. He’ll make jokes saying he’ll try to switch with one of his friends and see if I’ll stay ‘loyal’. I usually do realize it’s him, but it causes me a lot of anxiety.

We’ve had big fights on this. He says he’s allowed to change his look (‘I’m not a cartoon character’), I ask him to warn me. Don’t get me wrong. He cares about me, but I don’t think he get’s how stressful it is. How do I make it clear? (We have A LOT of great times together, there’s just this bump.)

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update: It’s hard to imagine I made this post 19 hours ago and now I’m in the middle of breaking up with him. I’m very tired so I’m going to keep this short. I went to talk to him, showed him this & told him he can’t do it anymore. The conversation was...a lot. First he was angry I made this post, then he was angry I was taking it all so serious. Lots of apologies and so on.

He again said he was just trying to make a tough situation more light, I said it’s too much. He said I can’t take a joke and I need to let him be him. That he always tells me when he’s been joking and if he was really keen on hurting me he’d just do things and not tell me, so him telling proves he cares. (That one got me very uncomfortable.)

At one point he said he just wanted to test if it was real, because I could just be using it as an excuse to do anything. I left after that cause we were just going in circles. There was a lot of me making an issue of ‘one small thing’. I’m exhausted. He’s still blowing up my phone with love and apologies, but you guys made me realize a lot.

Thanks, really. I’m trying to stay rational about it but it’s hard, because I do care about him a lot. I’m gonna get a few hours of sleep. Thank you again.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

CheapDepth2155 wrote:

He is messing with your safety does he not realise that?

OP responded:

I don’t think he realises how confusing it all is. There’s been a moment he did the opposite, acting all weirded out when I thanked him for a nice date, saying it wasn’t him and though I knew it was, I still started to doubt myself. He did say it was a joke soon after but it caused such a panic. He hasn’t done it again but it took me a long time to feel comfortable again.

sh*tmykidsays wrote:

Making someone feel unsafe is not a joke. Gaslighting someone you care about is not a joke.

blueavole wrote:

Holy smikes that’s terrifying.

Not to recognize a familiar face with a major change like that. - that is like nightmare fuel.

That your BF does it to you, multiple times on purpose is scary. I don’t know if there is a way you can explain it to him if he doesn’t get it. It seems he enjoy your panic. Which is not a good thing in a partner. If this was my partner I would get a tattoo or something. And I don’t have any.

OP responded:

My dad actually got a tattoo on his arm for me, which is a great comfort.

I hadn’t realised how messed up everything is, until reading all these replies.

LegitimateDebate5014 wrote:

Your boyfriend is basically ab#sing you in emotional situations. He thinks it’s hilarious you struggle and get severe anxiety which isn’t normal, nor does it mean he cares about you. This is a huge red flag

OP responded:

Ab#se is a really big word, but I do agree it’s not okay. I’m seeing him soon, we’ll see how it goes.

HatsandTopCoats wrote:

"I want to be 100% clear on this: Taking advantage of my disability to trick me is not okay. You know that's what you're doing and it's insulting when you expect me to believe that you're not doing that. It's extremely upsetting to me and I don't know why you would want me to feel anxious and terrible. If you care about my feelings you will stop doing this."

If that doesn't make him stop, then you need to stop telling yourself, "Oh, he just doesn't realize that this bothers me even though I've told him repeatedly that it bothers me!" When you've made your feelings incredibly clear, the answer is not that he doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care because he'd rather mess with you for his own amusement.

OP responded:

Fair enough. Thank you for replying. I’m not looking forward to having this kind of conversation with him, but it’s needed.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

Hi y’all. Hope it’s okay I post a little update. Things went crazy. A lot has happened in the last days. I’m really grateful to you all, honestly. I wasn’t aware about the real meaning of his ‘pranks’ and what it said about him and our relationship. I went to talk to him the same evening I made that post, with the intention of making clear he can’t pull all that anymore.

The conversation ESCALATED. We talked for hours into the night and every day since. There’s been a lot of messages. He got angry about the post I made (I showed him), angry at you guys, angry that I couldn’t take a joke and listened to strangers. Said things like he in the beginning didn’t believe I actually suffered from it, and would use it as an excuse to cheat on him.

That now he does believe, but due to bad break-ups in the past - he has a hard time trusting I won’t use it as an excuse regardless. Said he was joking about it because he wanted to make a tough situation lighter and that’s just his sense of humour. That if I loved him, I’d accept that. When I made it clear I was done, it got even worse. He began apologising a lot.

Said he didn’t realise it was such a big thing for me (again, didn’t make any sense with all said before.) In the same breath he said that he at least told me. (To the people who thought he actually had planned to trick me by using one of his friends, I think y’all may be very right.) To be honest I was done. I do care about him a lot (can’t just shut that off), but it’s never going to work.

There’s been many many messages/calls/etc. He dropped some vague hints that sometimes he pulled ‘pranks’ I wasn’t aware of. I don’t know if that is true, or he’s just in a bad place right now. He also came to my place to apologise again. But I suspect he didn’t expect I’d immediately recognise him, as he didn’t apologise till I said his name.

He’s not evil, but just very messed up rn. I blocked him everywhere, told him not to show up anymore and that a friend would give him his stuff. I’m going to delete this account soon but, I wanted to thank you guys for helping me realise it. I genuinely don’t think I would have. I’m heartbroken, but a bit relieved as well. Thanks for all the support and kindness.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

trippyhippy wrote:

I'm glad you broke up! Someone who loves you shouldn't ever do that to you.

Just curious about your condition. Do you also have issues with recognizing voices as well as faces? I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with.

OP responded:

Actually voices are one of the traits I go by to recognise someone! Voices, posture, tattoos, hairstyle, and so on. Thank you loads.

Massive_Letterhead90 wrote:

It's great that you blocked him. He's still trying to f*ck with your mind, now by implying he's done bad things you haven't picked up on. The idea is to leave you twisting and turning with worry. He's most likely bluffing to punish you for daring to leave him.

At the same time he's getting his kicks from sadistic "jokes," just like when you were dating. You'll feel much better and more confident once he's properly out of your life.

Still_Actuator_8316 wrote:

Good for you. I missed your original post so I went back and read that too. I can't understand why some people pull those stupid pranks even after they are told not to do them He FAFO that he is single now due to his stupid pranks. Hope he learns from this. But you be strong. And rock the world.

NoeTellusom wrote:

FWIW, I had a boyfriend who kept coming around to apologize, make up, argue, etc. I literally got to the point where I'd respond by quoting the last horrid thing he said to me. He'd call me or come my place, and I'd say the horrible thing he'd said last argument then hang up or shut the door. He's told you who he is. Believe him.

JustLivinLifeIGuess wrote:

I find it baffling that he acted like you were the one escalating something small, when it could have stayed “something small” had he just acknowledged your feelings and apologized and agreed to stop with the prank. He was the one escalating the situation by defending himself and getting angry. Good on you for standing your ground!

A week and a half later, OP shared another update.

This is probably a bit stupid but that boy has got me questioning my own mind. Either way, sorry if this is a bother. I broke up with my bf a few weeks ago. I had realised - in part thanks to the internet - that some of his behaviour was absolutely not okay & when I tried to talk to him, the conversation escalated to me breaking up with him.

I have a pretty severe case of face blindness/prosopagnosia. It means I can’t recognise/remember people’s faces & go by other characteristics to try & put a name to someone. (Voice, (hair)style, posture, etc.)

People around me know and introduce themselves when we meet & other things to make it easier. (I have a lot of anxiety because of it.) He used to try & test me, which gave me a lot of stress. Changed up his look without warning to see if I knew it was him, and a lot more.

He called it pranks. (He is a jokester.) So, we broke up. It’s been a lot. He’d been calling/messaging non-stop with both apologies & non-apologies, ‘till I blocked him. In moments of a lot of emotion I said things like I never wanted to see him again, and he’d reply that he was hurt, that I wouldn’t even know if it was him & I was lucky he wouldn’t do it.

Made me feel icky. He’s contacted me again yesterday - through a new account - saying he just wants one more face-to-face conversation, if only to give him his stuff that is still at my place & get some closure so we can both move on.

I said my plan was to get a mutual friend to bring it over to him. He was hurt. He did seem a lot more calm than before & told me we were together for a year, he just wanted one conversation after I suddenly broke things off.

That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him. But I don’t feel good about it. My gut’s telling me this will not be a good conversation, my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point. WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?

Edit: I didn’t expect all these replies. I hope it’s okay I respond like this. Thank you all, really. I think I knew already but somehow started to doubt myself. (The past weeks have been a lot.) I really appreciate & needed these words. I’m ready for all of this to be over & done with. Also just a little thank you in general.

The internet continued to offer support.

marv115 wrote:

I would not do it, you told him why, more than once to stop, even his message that it out of the blue proves he still don't understand. This conversation will bring you nothing but more deflecting and avoidance.

OP responded:

Thanks for this.

Herm_in wrote:

« he doesn’t understand how he suddenly became so ev*l I couldn’t have one chat with him »

So everything is your fault and he did nothing wrong? You shouldn’t bother, it won’t be productive conversation and you’ll probably feel worse.

Jeezus_Christe wrote:

Stay away. NTA.

If you suffered from regular blindness and he tripped you all the time would it be ok?

Maryanna0601 wrote:

NTA.

This isn’t just a relationship issue, his past behavior crossed the line into being scary. Being alone with him in an apartment is not a good idea. Now if you want to give him closure then there are some ways you can do it.

Meet him in a public place (restaurant) with friends or family at a nearby table.

Let him come get his stuff but have two friends or family members present. Make sure one is a man or a woman with self defense training.

Personally with his past behavior he lost the right to closure. Have a mutual friend take his stuff back to him and block him on everything. Stay safe.

OP responded:

This helps a lot, thanks.

PatchEnd wrote:

NTA. Get his stuff out today! Right now, stop waiting. Don't go see him, he's going to try and manipulate you. I bet if you DID (pleaseeee don't) if you DID go meet him, he will have completely changed himself to completely f#$k with you. Like fully change hair color, grow a full beard, go and get fake contacts and blah blah.

He can't "see how he became so evil in a year..." HE KNOWS HE'S EV*L, he's being smug.

Get his stuff out today, block him every time he makes a new account. He's a nutjob.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hi! It’s been a wee bit, and since I’m still getting messages about this, I thought I’d just give one big update for this. So more than a month ago I broke up with my BF because he kept pulling ‘pranks’ involving my face blindness. (I can’t recognise faces & am dependent on other aspects to recognise someone, and even then it’s still confusing.)

After that he’d been bugging me that he wanted to meet up, so we could get some closure. My gut was telling me not to, but I felt guilty. With you guys’ advice (& my own gut feeling) in mind, I decided not to go.

I asked a friend, Roger, to go bring him his stuff & kept him blocked - including blocking the new accounts he’d made. Roger came back with a letter from him, to me. The letter in itself was v apologetic. He even said he was grateful for our time together & took full responsibility. It ended with him saying he’d respect it if I chose not to reply or message.

Honestly, a lot of very respectful words. I still decided not to get in touch. (Still trying to get over the break-up myself.) But I did appreciate it, till I found out he wasn’t letting go like he said. Roger & some other mutual friends let me know he was asking them about me A LOT, if I had read the letter, if I was seeing someone else (already?!), and so on.

Couple of days ago he showed up at my place. He was clearly not sober & v upset. He just seemed so broken, so I - stupidly - let him in. For a while he was just being miserably nice, while I got him water & stuff. But the more sober, the more angry he got. At that point I messaged basically everyone I knew to come. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, but I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him regardless.

Among the many accusations of me not even having the decency to reply, that I clearly never cared about him & that I was a horrendous person, he told me ‘I cheated on him & didn’t even know it’ so how could I blame him for not trusting me? I’m not gonna lie, I was trying to stay calm but failed. (And I know I should have not lost my cool.) I screamed at him, asked him what he was talking about.

Apparently on a night out with him & others, he asked his friend Mike (who knows of my face blindness & has similar characteristics as my ex, part from a very different voice and smell) to ‘swap’ out with him, and kissed me. And I didn’t know. I don’t know if he’s lying or not. But knowing I was drinking and in a crowded, loud room, I know it’s a possibility.

Especially since Mike tried to kiss me another time, though then I immediately realised it was him and lost it at him. (When I told my then bf, he was more angry than I had ever seen him, so idk if that time was a ‘plan’ as well or not. Either way Mike is a disgusting human.) I know it’s ‘just’ a kiss, but it did make me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how they might have played me.

I told him to get out, he didn’t. Luckily it didn’t take long for some people to arrive & get him out. I’m endlessly grateful for the people I have around me. I’m staying at my parents’ place now, took a break from work & am looking into therapy. My mom & dad (who got a tattoo years ago just so I would never doubt it’s him) are treating me like a princess & reminding me of the kindness people deserve.

Haven’t looked into a restraining order, but might if it continues. Thanks to you all for helping me see what’s right in this situation. Reddit has been a wonderful community I am very grateful for. I probably won’t update anymore, as this is over & done with. But I’m glad I got to pour my heart out to y’all.

Commenters continued to have OP's back.

YourMysticVixen wrote:

That guy has some major issues and I'm glad you're out of it. No normal, sane, caring person sets their partner up for failure. Swapping out then being angry at you for not noticing is entrapment. How long until he would have done it with hooking up and not kissing? How can you trust someone who manipulates your trust? Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Unique_Status3782 wrote:

The swapping out almost sounds like SA or coercion. She didn’t consent to kiss that other dude. That’s really weird and gross. That really made my stomach turn. I can’t imagine how OP felt hearing that.

Edit: I think it’s weird that people are coming for me for using the word “almost”. I definitely said it was done without her consent. Like why not go pick a legitimate fight with someone who actually denies SAs.

VegetableBusiness897 wrote:

Christ, I remember your post and I think we were all saying he was going to pull a final prank for fun...but in reality he might have actual subbed his bro to do what??? To take it how far??? To SA you??

Holy crap GF, your ex is a psycho POS. Nice to know that even with your face blindness you're not blind to AHs, and their 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Congrats on being free, stay safe, go for the RO especially with their planned SA(since he admitted to it).

YomiKuzuki wrote:

"Apparently on a night out with him and others, he asked his friend M. (who knows of my face blindness and has similar characteristics as my ex, part from a very different voice & smell) to ‘swap’ out with him, and kissed me. And I didn’t know."

This is SA.

Your ex is an AH.

Six weeks later, OP shared another update.

We broke up nearly three months ago, it wasn’t pretty. There were a lot of things not right between us. Among other things, he kept messing/joking with the fact that I have a severe case of face blindness. (I wasn’t perfect in this relationship either btw, not trying to make him the villain.)

Usually I go by voice, obvious traits and so on. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful people around me who’ll introduce themselves once we start talking, warn me if they changed their looks or even get/wear something that’ll help me (like my dad who got a tattoo, just for me.)

But it’s still hard and gives me so much anxiety. So maybe I am imagining it all? I stayed with my parents and wee cousins for a while after the break-up but since I’m home, I feel like he’s still around.

The first time, I went to a club with a friend and her bf, started dancing with a guy and went outside with him to get some air. The moment we stepped outside and I heard his voice, I knew it was him. I was so sure. I freaked, went inside again & left with my friend. I messaged him later and he denied it vehemently, telling me he was not even near there. That we can meet up and talk if I want.

My friend says she’s not sure, she was off with her bf and didn’t see him. So maybe I am wrong. My gut says it was him, but I can’t trust my brain with these things. There’s been more incidents like this since. If I go out, sometimes I just feel like he’s there. Like I’ll see a guy focused on me & will know it’s him, but he’ll deny it.

Or someone will come to my job and I’ll recognise the voice, but he responds so confused and I’ll feel like a crazy person making a scene, so I just quietly give him what he needs. I’ll go to the grocery store and a guy will suddenly be next to me. He won’t even say anything to me, but the smell/traits tell me it’s him.

But then later he denies it all. It’s not every day, or something. Once a week, maybe not even that. But it’s enough to make me feel so on edge. The thing is, I could be wrong. Maybe it was never him. I don’t go out a lot anymore, unless I’m with someone. I keep my phone in my hand in hopes of snapping a picture to show to my friends.

Looking into how to get a camera. I don’t know what else to do, really. I’m afraid if I talk to others about it, they’ll simply dismiss it. At the same time he’s still messaging me, just as kindly as when we first started dating. He says he’s worried about me, that he wants to help. And I just feel...like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

LadyAshGray wrote:

Start taking pictures of the guys you think are him and send them to your friends and ask them to verify.

OP responded:

Yeah, that’s my plan. I hope it’ll put my mind at ease.

zephyreblk wrote:

I have also face blindness and if your gut is so sure, then it must be it because we did compensate by recognising people in other ways. If you feel that it happens again, take you phone and film the surrounding (don't hide it).

If he suddenly pops up to say "hi" you are right and if not, you can always check it later with a friends what triggered this kind of perception because seems that it was a toxic relationship and there is a change that you were traumatised and a gesture could trigger your brain.

If someone ask you why you are filming the surrounding, just explain the person the situation and that you delete the clip later. Every sane person will understand the problem. Also if you have a friend not being far, you can asked the person (if they obviously have a problem with it) to just wait for your friend and delete the video in front of them after getting the help.

OP responded:

Thanks for the advice 💕

sweetfumblebee wrote:

Knowing your history with your ex being a jerk; I have no doubt that it's him continuing to mess with you. I agree blocking your ex again is key. Stop giving him the communication he desperately wants from you.

But until you're able to catch him via pic or friend, just know that I believe you're right. Many people here do. If he messed with you for fun, he's definitely escalating for revenge. I'm so sorry you have to keep dealing with him.

OP responded:

Thank you, this means a lot.

sarcosaurus wrote:

I think it's more likely that he's messing with you than that you're imagining it. Especially since you feel like you're going crazy, that's a common feeling to get from gaslighting. You probably can't know for sure without taking a picture to show a friend or having someone with you who can verify that it is him - or not.

Until then, maybe it would help to stop talking to your ex. If he is messing with you, him talking to you is only part of his weird game, and if not, it will probably help to get him out of your mind as much as possible.

OP responded:

Yeah, you’re right. I had him blocked before, but unblocked him when all this started. Very stupid. Better to go - and stay - NC, I suppose. I feel really silly about all this.

Three days later, OP made another post about the situation in a prosopagnosia forum.

I have a quite severe case of face blindness, but have my own ways to get around, like all of us. But still I can never be completely sure who’s in front of me until they confirm it, I’m sure you know the feeling. Now I have had wonderful people in my life who make it so much easier for me. But have you had people who don’t do that?

My previous bf messed with me sometimes and I sometimes worry he might still be. But it’s hard to be sure, when I can’t trust what I see. Sometimes I’m so sure it’s him, but he’ll deny it and I can never convince myself to be 100% certain of what I saw. Do you have any things you did to deal with people who messed with you? Or didn’t take you prosopagnosia serious?

Commenters were very supportive.

SuperSoftAbby wrote:

I had (have?) a st-lker for the longest time. They went to college with a former roommate of mine and briefly worked where I did (which is likely how he learned I have prosopagnosia).

He would dress up like people I knew or would interact with in my day-to-day life. I'm still not sure if it was 100% intentionally malicious or if they were just trying to emulate the people I interacted with because they had qualities he admired.

But it did and does seem malicious at times because there were a *lot* of unsavory people I was forced to interact with at times and in general I tend to have to be a little more guarded around men.

I honestly grey rock and mostly straight-up ignore him/guys as a whole. In general, I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first so I can hear their voice. When in doubt, take a picture of them and ask someone who also knows him if that is him.

OP responded:

Thanks for sharing. I hope you’re okay!

TianaDalma wrote:

I would have a serious conversation with the person, explaining that I don't want any jokes at this point. If he doesn't stick to that, I would have serious doubts about whether this person has my best interests at heart. I've never had this problem before, because I recognize all of my close acquaintances and friends by their voices.

OP responded:

He’s my ex now, so I don’t doubt his intentions. I just don’t know if I’m imagining. I didn’t realise how much I’m depending on people confirming who they are. Like, I’ll be so sure it’s him, but when he denies it, I can’t be sure anymore. Maybe I’ll try to talk to him again.

Jaceholt wrote:

Honestly this is equal to have a speaker playing angry-dog noises around a blind person to think they are getting att-cked. It's not an okay behavior. If a person that is in your life behaves like this, I think you need to have a serious sit down with them and make them understand how bad this is.

If you are unable to do that, here is what I suggest: Sneakily take up your camera and photo the face of the person you are talking too. Pretend you are using the camera as a mirror or something. Then get a trusted friend that knows the person to help you identify if it is them or not. Very likely, if they get angry at you for taking the picture, it's likely them. Best of luck to you.

MayVilaa wrote:

That sounds horrifying. I’ve just read through your whole story with him and I genuinely cannot emphasize this enough: TRUST YOUR GUT. Don’t doubt yourself. That’s what he wants. He’s there and he’s trying to scare you. Your brain isn’t making it up. You’re not crazy. As for what to do, I say try to take pictures of him.

You can show your friends and family the pictures and they’ll be able to confirm if it’s him or not. After proving it’s him, I would do anything you can to get a restraining order. He’s following you and I doubt he’ll stop unless you move somewhere he can’t find you or get a restraining order. You need to start collecting as much evidence of this as possible, the pictures will help with that.