'I lost my wife three years ago. Now my new GF wants to visit my wife's grave.' UPDATED 2X
There are a lot of ways to take a relationship to the next level. Sometimes, you need an outside opinion to help you confirm if you're pacing it right.
In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a man asked if it was too soon (or weird) to take his new GF to visit the grave of his late wife. He wrote:
"I (29M) lost my wife three years ago. Started dating again, and new girlfriend (32F) wants to visit my wife's grave."
I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone. I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.
I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year. We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again.
She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say. She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort.
She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave. I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels...weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?
TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.
The internet had a lot of comments and questions.
jiddlyjidson wrote:
Waiting is fine if you are not ready.
It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.
Inner-Pianist-7628 wrote:
Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful. On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.
OP responded:
Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her.
She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
RTJ333 wrote:
This is something you should talk through with your therapist before deciding if or how to do go that. Sorry for your loss.
OP responded:
Yes, I was already thinking about bringing this up with my therapist. She could give me some insight about how to go about it.
Niccels11 wrote:
It sounds like Ada has a strong personality. It also sounds like you're not sure about this next step. Don't do anything until you're sure. Taking Ada to your wife's gravesite should be how and when YOU deem it to be appropriate, not a moment before. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you peace.
OP wrote:
Ada is a very headstrong and determined person, but on this I find a patience and a kindness in her that are close to infinite. She doesn't get upset when I'm a bit sad or thinking about my late wife, she understands.
When we first started sleeping in the same bed I shared with her it felt a little weird and also a bit like I was cheating on my late wife. Again no anger or upset on her part, she said she would probably feel the same if she was in my shoes.
Trashmouths wrote:
If you feel better being alone, that's okay to tell her. Sounds like she's wanting to know more and is trying to get closer to you. Sounds supportive. It's okay to not be ready or want to do that. She will be okay with it.
OP wrote:
To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit. I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.
NotTrynaMakeWaves wrote:
I’d say it’s a good thing that Ada is treating your late wife with respect. There’s a lot of posts here where the new wife wants to obliterate the memory of Wife1 and so this is at least healthier. If you have faith that you are able to speak to your wife at the graveside then you could perhaps go by yourself first and say some thoughts out loud. Good luck!
OP responded:
Yes, I've read some posts that sound like nightmares.
To be honest I don't really talk at her grave, I just take care of It and look at it. I do talk with her in my thoughts though.
gregwhale5 wrote:
Your wife would want you to continue with your life. I think it's an excellent idea to take your girlfriend to meet your wife. She doesn't want to disrespect her, she wants to integrate her into your relationship. The girlfriend sounds great.
You are no longer married, it's been a couple if years. Embrace the fact the girlfriend respects and honors you and your wife. She may be your next wife...she definitely has so.e good stuff going for her.
OP responded:
Yes, we talked many times that we both wanted the other to be happy if one of us passed on...never thought it'd actually happen.
Ada has been nothing but respectful and tactful when I talk about her or show her things and pictures.
gregwhale5 responded:
I lost my child at 18, after mourning a couple years I came to understand he wouldn't want me to sacrifice my life for his memory. He would want me to live my life to the fullest for him. He loved me. That's how I moved forward.
Ada sounds like an incredible catch. Bring her with you, talk to your wife, introduce them....cry you eyes out. Your wife would want you to love again. Ada sounds like she will always understand you first true love still lives inside of you.
OP responded:
I'm really sorry about your loss. Losing a child must be one of those pains that never go away and no one should go through it.
I know I've been extremely lucky in finding Ada. Her kindness and love are what breathed new life into me.
Five days later, OP shared an update:
I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday.
She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.
I feel a bit of an emotion I can't define about this, but I think it will be a good thing.
A day later, OP shared another major update.
Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first. We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone.
She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally.
Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash. On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing.
So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me. However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon.
It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed. We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is."
I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the care-taking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.
We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone.
It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem. I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.
TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.
The internet was so happy to hear the update.
BrilliantTwo7 wrote:
You both sound like incredibly kind, empathetic people that deserve each other.
OP responded:
Thank you.
TBagger1234 wrote:
I’ve read so many posts here about people who have lost their partner and their new partner wants them to remove all memory of them as if they aren’t an important part of your life story.
Ada is a good one. All the best OP!
OP responded:
Yeah, I read some of those posts too. Stuff of nightmares.
Mysterious-Catch2480 wrote:
You’re trying to make me cry at work. This was a beautiful update. I wish you and Ada a long and happy life. ❤️
OP responded:
Thank you for your kindness. It wasn't my intention to make you cry at work, I swear!
DisneyBuckeye wrote:
This is a wonderful story.
My dad died when I was young and my mom remarried a few years later. They've been married for almost 35 years now.
My step-dad told me a few years ago that he visited my dad's grave when he and my mom first got engaged, and just talked to my dad a little, promised to take care of me, my brother, and my mom for him. I think Ada was probably thinking something similar. I'm happy for you, best wishes to you both.
OP responded:
Your stepdad sounds like a good man.
grandmasvilla wrote:
You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.
OP responded:
Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority. She gave me another chance at life.
nostalgeek81 wrote:
I don’t know if it’s luck. You sound like a great guy! I’m sure your awesomeness attracted these amazing women into your life. I wish you and Ada the best ❤️
OP responded:
Thank you, you are too kind with me.
OP also shared another update/expression of gratitude in the comments.
I wish to thank all you guys for the beautiful comments, the well wishes and love you have poured on me, Ada and my late wife. Despite the tragedy and pain I endure, I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found another chance at life and not two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and amazing women that give meaning to it.
I just want to say that whenever you are suffering, even if life seems to be a dark void, there is always a light and there is always another way forward.
This ended surprisingly wholesome, hopefully OP and Ada have many years of happiness ahead.