'AITA for making an unsettling joke about my son's wife's bread?' UPDATED

"AITA for making an upsetting joke about bread to my son?"

mamaloves_ writes:

I (40F) made a loaf of white bread the other day. I’ve never been much of a cook, so I was pretty proud of myself. I FaceTimed my son (22M) to show him my success. For a little backstory, my son’s wife makes bread as a hobby—sourdough, to be specific.

I don’t like sourdough. The starter freaks me out, I think it looks nasty, and sourdough is just too tough to enjoy. She posts it when she makes it, and my son will post pictures of the loaves she makes when she draws a design on it and stuff. Since he seems so interested in the bread she makes, I figured he might want to see the beauty I made.

So as I’m FaceTiming him, I show him the bread. We talk for a moment. My son and I have always joked together, so I made a joke that my bread was probably better than his wife’s bread (because he knows that I prefer white bread to sourdough). He didn’t say anything about the joke, so I figured it just didn’t land. I talked to him a bit more, but he got busy doing other things, so I said bye and hung up.

Later, he texted me and said that he didn’t like my joke from earlier and would prefer I didn’t try to “put down” others. I explained that I wasn’t putting anyone down, and that the joke was about how I don’t like sourdough. He said it was odd for me to specify his wife in the joke if I wasn’t joking about her, and I explained that it was because all she makes is sourdough.

He kept going with it being a strange comment and told me not to specify his wife in jokes. At that point, I got a weird feeling, so I asked if it was actually him messaging me or if his wife had his phone. Then he blew up on me. He said I was acting like an a^#%ole and that if I was going to keep acting that way, he didn’t want me to message him anymore.

I still do think it was his wife messaging me, if I’m being completely honest. And if it wasn’t, I think he is totally overreacting. Now, he (or she) has his sisters in on it. My oldest daughter even said, “It is weird that you want to make bread all of a sudden when you barely cook.” Am I really being an a&#*ole because I made a joke about how I don’t like sourdough bread?

The comments were all like this.

typoincreatiob says:

YTA , why make the comparison in the first place? putting someone down isn’t really a joke, it’s just being mean and putting him in a tough spot between his mom and his wife. he reacted well and marturely ignoring it and then asking you not to do it again. saying “your wife’s bread is bad” isn’t a joke about not liking sourdough bread, it’s a statement that you think his wife’s baking is s%#t.

Assuming your own son can’t be protective of his wife and this must be her is also extremely disrespectful to her again . so yes, you’ve repeatedly disrespected your own son and his wife who’ve both done absolutely nothing to deserve this in this story. girl literally just bakes bread.

OP posted an update a day later.

I was hurt by the argument that my son and I had over this joke, so I came here to try to prove a point, and that was not right. I posted to try to prove that others could see that my joke was about how I like white bread instead of sourdough, and not that I was trying to put down his wife to raise myself back up.

When others very clearly sided with my son on the issue and called me the a&*#ole, I got defensive. I told myself that people were not listening to me and that they didn’t understand, when I was the one who didn’t understand. The way I worded my joke absolutely did sound like I was trying to put down his wife. Even if that isn’t what I meant to do, at the end of the day, that is what happened.

I truly don’t know that his wife was messaging me from his phone, and even if she was, so be it. Clearly, he would have to allow that, and if she did such a thing and he didn’t allow it, then that is a bridge they will cross on their own. But at the end of the day, I felt it was her speaking to me because I didn’t want to believe that the son who used to joke along with me was disagreeing with the joke I had made.

I made a phone call to my son earlier to apologize. I admitted that my wording came across as if I were putting his wife down when that was not my goal, and for that, I was very sorry. While his wife and I have our differences, I do love her.

I can allow my emotions to get the best of me, and that is where my head was yesterday when posting. She is a wonderful wife, and I am very happy my son has her in his life. She has supported him in great ways, and that always makes me happy to see.

While I stick by not having an outright issue with his wife, I see that my wording has come across that way multiple times. Maybe I do have a subconscious issue with jealousy that I am not even realizing. From here, I hope to figure those things out and better myself. I want nothing more than to be better for my children and their current and future spouses (in the case of my daughters).

Here are the top rated comments.

Agreeable_Pumpkin_37 says:

I’m really glad you were able to recognize that it wasn’t okay and made a conscious effort to change and apologize, don’t see that much here :) Keep it up!

jennaiii says:

Did you apologize to your son or his wife? Because if you didn't apologize to her you need to.

fancyandfab says:

You're still very much YTA. You're trying to justify your actions. You're not actually sorry.

stophittingthyself says:

You might need to apologize to her, as it was her you were aiming the joke at. Check with your son whether she'd appreciate a direct apology.

What do you think?