"AITA for making a co-worker cry for complaining about me to our manager?"
AITAH for calling out my coworker and leading them to tears?
throwRA-123545 writes:
I work what some people in the medical field would consider a “unicorn” job—no weekends, no holidays, no on-call, and, for me, a set schedule. I have been working this set schedule for more than a year without issue. This was agreed upon with my manager when I was hired, though not in writing.
At the time, I was the first and only “full-time” employee, so I was offered my choice of scheduling. My tenure compared to newer employees has held up, and in my opinion, rightfully so. My experience in the medical field has always been: if you’re tenured, you’re going to get the best schedule.
Recently, however, my manager informed me that there are complaints from the other four employees that it is “unfair” that I don’t work Fridays (or weekends, but none of us do) and that he would like me to work a few Fridays.
Now, I’m a single mom with young kids. My kids are in multiple therapies, sports classes, and all appointments for routine things are scheduled for Fridays. At this point in the year, these appointments are scheduled basically through December because my set schedule has been the norm for over a year.
In talking with a few of my coworkers, three of them “don’t really mind” that my schedule is what it is and understand where I’m coming from. I’m the only one of us with small kids to work around. However, today, when my manager approached me again about these “complaints,” I knew who they came from because I had already spoken with the others.
So, I confronted coworker #4 in front of the others, asking why there is such an issue with my schedule, which is truly none of their business. It’s not their concern why I am or am not available on certain days. This coworker stated things like, “It’s not fair,” “Fridays are a hard day,” and, “If I want a Friday off, I have to request it, and I only get it off if I’m going out of town.”
Okay?? And?? That is not my issue. Why does it need to be “fair”? This is the real world, not kindergarten. I have never worked a job where an equal-level coworker’s opinion dictated someone else’s schedule. Why do I have to pull my children from sports and classes and rearrange our lives because one person cried about fairness?
During this confrontation, this coworker told me, “That is between you and the manager,” and I responded, “Yeah, it WAS, until you decided to complain about it, and now it involves you.” Coworker #4 got teary-eyed and left crying after the relatively civil confrontation. There was no yelling or name-calling, but they still cried. So, AITA for calling my coworker out and making them cry?
OP responded to some reader comments on their post.
MadeofSeaglass says:
As a manager, if I heard you’d shaken down your coworkers like this, I would seriously consider firing you. That’s unhinged behavior. Your schedule is between you and your manager. When your coworkers felt that there was a disparity in treatment around scheduling, they took the correct tact and approached your manager about it.
What your manager does from there is their own prerogative, and if you’re frustrated by his decision you should talk to him about it directly and lay out your boundaries (e.g. “this job won’t work for me if I’m required to work Fridays”). It is incredibly bad judgement for you to “confront” your coworkers because they advocated for themselves appropriately.
If I was your manager, I’d be wondering what other bad judgement calls you might be making when I’m not around, and whether I can trust you to communicate with other employees in a positive and professional manner—and that would make me very unlikely to keep you on long-term without some major changes in your attitude and comportment. YTA.
OP responded:
Okay, I can see where you come from and appreciate the response from a manager perspective. Yes, I have been upset and likely, the above conversation could have happened differently. You did make me see this in a new way, and I will take that moving forward in my position and communication.
I will say, one thing that makes it difficult is this particular manager does not manage well, and often leaves us to deal with things amongst ourselves, and I think that may be where I had in the moment, felt the need to address it directly. In the past the manager has told us “you guys figure out what works for you and I’ll slap it on the schedule” basically implying we figure out the issues.
I do not want to be viewed the way you described from your perspective. I also do not know the definitive answer for my situation. So, question— as a manager who gave an employee an agreement on scheduling at the time of hire, should #4 be contesting what my schedule is? Is it their business why I need whichever day off per week? Genuinely would like to know.
MadeofSeaglass responded:
No, none of your coworkers need to know your reasons for wanting that day off (just as you don’t need to know theirs). But it doesn’t sound like they asked you. It sounds like you confronted them and #4 was the only one brave enough to tell you the truth.
You’re talking as though they must have thought you didn’t have a good enough reason for taking that day—but that’s a weird assumption to make. More than likely, they weren’t concerned with your reasons at all. They just wanted your manager to address the disparity they were seeing, which does in fact exist.
I do understand the difficulties of being under a manager who doesn’t manage well, and I’ve seen conflicts like this erupt in those situations sooo many times. I understand your frustration as well! It’s awful to find that perfect unicorn job and then have it ripped away. Of course you’re upset. I would be pissed in your shoes!
It’s my guess that your manager also made a mistake in allowing you to believe that your set schedule would continue indefinitely; he should have foreseen that other employees of similar standing would take issue with that if they weren’t offered the same. It’s inevitable. Sure, ideally they’d negotiate that when they took the job—but given the demands of your field, they probably didn’t even realize it was an option!
Until they got the lay of the land, and realized that they were getting shafted. Because they are. And no, that’s not your problem, nor is it anything you should worry about—but they definitely weren’t wrong to approach your manager to advocate for themselves, and they’re not responsible for the fact that doing so backfired onto you.
OP responded:
I think the “indefinitely” part is true, and also if that were going to change, the conversation from my manager should have been had. Instead I was told there were complaints, rather than “hey some things are changing.” I appreciate your input!