'I overheard my sister confess her love for my fiance, how do I confront her?' MAJOR UPDATE

"I (27M) overheard my sister (25F) confess her love for my fiance (30M), how do I confront her?"

I'll get into it. My friends recently hosted a little party/get-together for my sister since she had been gone for a while in Florida with her boyfriend, but was coming back up north after they broke up. It had a few of our mutual friends, along with some of her old high school buddies and some cousins.

My fiance and I had arrived there a bit late, but we were excited to join the celebration, and I was mostly happy to see my sister again since she had been pretty distanced and rarely texted or called. Nothing really happened other than some shots being poured and food being ordered, until it was getting late and people started getting really drunk.

Since wedding planning has been exhausting, my fiance and I were going to leave early. To sum up a really quick moment, I had been walking to the bathroom and passed the bedroom, where I heard my sister crying into someone's arms. Originally, I was gonna go see if I could help, or comfort her but then I heard my fiance's name and paused.

I definitely think I was a jerk for listening in, but I was curious and a bit drunk myself- but, from what I gathered, she was sobbing about how seeing my fiance made it "all real again" and that she didn't want to deny her feelings anymore, especially now that he's getting married to me. What really stuck out to me was when she said that she just wanted him to "notice her too."

I left pretty quickly after that, and haven't told anyone about what I heard. Maybe I never saw the signs, but she was always so polite and friendly with my fiance. She knew him before anyone else, since we were high school sweethearts and I came out to her first when I was struggling with my identity.

It's just such a strange thing to hear this from her, but part of me wants to just blame it on dr-nk brain? She's never said anything like this before, and even greeted him when we got to the party and they connected on a mutual interest for a bit, and she was so warm to me too.

I want to confront her to see if she meant it, but I'm also just so terrified of the results of it all. My family has stayed drama-free and I'd hate to ruin everything now that my sister just got back from being away. I really need advice on how to proceed, and how to ask her about it without causing a scene.

The party was a week ago and I just feel sick whenever she messages me or calls to ask about wedding stuff or just general chatting, so I know that I need to do something. Has anyone been in a situation like this before?

TL;DR: My sister confessed she couldn't deny her feelings about my fiance and I don't know how to proceed.

The commenters were quick to share their thoughts and questions.

wishingforarainyday wrote:

Does she have a history with your fiancé? I’d be asking questions and talking to your fiancé. Then I’d talk to your sister and parents. She should not be coming to the wedding. She was openly saying she’d want to cheat with your fiancé. That’s foul. I’m sorry OP.

OP responded:

Not that I know of, honestly. They had a few classes together in high school and he was invited to a lot of family gatherings since we were so close, though they never hung out past that (to my knowledge). She had left for Florida about 6 years ago for college so they definitely haven't seen each other between those times.

I'm planning to talk to him when he gets home from work though, and I trust that he hasn't done anything. I do hope to leave my parents out of it since they are both pretty old at this point and don't need to handle sibling issues for us anymore. Thank you for the advice.

mbpearls wrote:

I mean, is your fiance bisexual? Seems that if he's gay, this is a total non-issue and you guys can laugh that your sister thinks she can change a dude's orientation.

I'd talk to your fiance and tell him what you overheard. He deserves to know in case your sister does something dumb like trying to corner him to kiss him.

OP responded:

He's gay, which makes it even weirder because my sister knew about that early on. She had always been pretty supportive of us together, which makes this even more confusing. I'll definitely talk to him soon, but I really hope she doesn't try anything.

jst4m13 wrote:

I would talk to your fiancé and tell him what you heard so he’s aware of the situation and the two of you can have a united front. I would also talk with your sister letting her know what you overheard.

Analisandopessoas wrote:

I would talk to your fiancé to understand if he has noticed anything regarding your sister. Then, I would talk to your sister. Your sister was sharing this feeling for your fiancé with someone else, and soon, others will find out.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hi again everyone. I first want to thank all the people that responded. I really didn't expect to get so much advice. I probably would've still been panicking and bottling this up if you guys didn't help out. Unfortunately it still went bad, but I'm glad I listened to you guys for it all.

Also, to clarify a few things I saw people get confused on in the comments. My fiance is gay, and I never doubted his loyalty which is why I barely mentioned him in the original post. I was mostly concerned about my sister since we had wanted her in the wedding party so it was extra scary to hear she was crushing on my fiance.

Along with that, I know a lot of you said to just leave it be, but for the reason above along with my personal beliefs, I really didn't want to let it simmer. Anyways, I ended up talking with my fiance the day after I made the post, once he got home from work and we were settled. I sort of word vomited at him, but I tried to remember the advice I had gotten.

He was equally disturbed, probably a bit more since he has dealt with a similar situation at work once. We both definitely wanted to talk to her and just clear the air, and ended up making a little plan to meet her in a park. Originally, It was only going to be me, but my fiance wanted to stay nearby in the car. So yesterday I texted her and we met.

Honestly I'm still recovering from everything she said to me, so I won't repeat much of it here. The basic gist is that once we chatted for a bit, I brought it up gently that I had heard her at the reunion party and wanted to communicate with her about the things she said. One thing I didn't feel the need to mention in the original post was that I am also a transgender man.

It didn't matter to the issue, or at least I thought it didn't. However once I asked my sister, she started on a whole tirade with a lot of right-wing talking points, mostly that she didn't get why my fiance was settled for a "confused girl" rather than someone like her, and admitting that yes, she has feelings for him since she thinks he deserves better than me.

I didn't say much to her but once I realized what was going on I just said that I was done and left. I really don't know how she's changed so much since the girl I grew up with. She used to be super supportive, which she even acknowledged and said she was just as lost as I am. After that, I was just a mess.

My sister is living with my parents while she works to get a job in the new area so she's also started telling them about the conversation. Both of my parents don't want to get involved, which I understand and I tried texting her to tell her to stop bothering them but she blocked me, so I guess that's that.

My fiance wants to cut her from the wedding as a whole, and I'm just leaning on him as a pillar right now. I wish this was a happier update, and I still really don't know what to do. Still, thank you all for the advice you gave, and if you guys have any advice on how to deal with this new issue, I'd take it. Is there a way to get through to her?

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

Rush_Is_Right wrote:

How did they share a couple of classes in high school when they were 5 years apart? Were you transgender in high school while you were high school sweethearts?

OP responded:

Apologies, I meant to say clubs. We went to a combined middle and high school, and they were in a few clubs together. And yes, I was out in high school.

RhubarbGoldberg wrote:

Florida strikes again!! She was likely and easily indoctrinated while down there. I'd block and ignore her for now. There's no reasoning with these people when they're still on the kool-aid.

Maybe after some time back in the north, she'll deconstruct a bit? It's not your job to fix her, OP, and you'll likely make things worse if you had the inclination to even try. I'd be pissed at my parents for tacitly supporting her transphobia.

OP responded:

I didn't want to assume, but it is what it's sounding like. I really don't know what went on when she was in Florida since she barely spoke to us, and I don't have much social media so I don't follow her anywhere. I really wish she came to her senses, and I'll have to talk to my parents too about their reaction.

TogerSucks wrote:

She cannot be trusted not to make a scene at the wedding. Disinvite her and have security there. Honestly I wouldn’t involve her in your life at all unless she went through some serious therapy and offered both you and your fiancé a sincere apology.

Even that prospect shouldn’t be entertained until after the wedding, because you can’t be sure she isn’t just trying to say and do the right things to get back into being invited.

Edit: OP, you should have some conversations with mutual friends about this as well. If she was crying into one of their arms at the party, it’s likely her feelings and beliefs towards you have come up in the past.

OP responded:

My fiance said a similar thing that she might make a scene, and I think I'm starting to agree seeing all these comments. Unfortunately, the girl she was crying into at the party was one of her closer friends so I doubt I'd get anywhere if I tried to find her.