'I read my husband’s journal and in it he says that he hates me and hopes I pass away.' UPDATED 2X
In general, it's a bad look to read someone's journal. But there are times when the truth stored inside is something you really need to know.
In a popular post on the Marriage subreddit, a woman shared the saga of her husband's journal. She wrote:
"I [33F] read my husband’s [37M] journal and in it he says that he hates me and hopes I die."
My husband has kept a semi-regular journal throughout our four year relationship. He does not keep it hidden and up until now I have always respected his privacy. We had a heated conversation and my gut told me to read it so after he left for work, I did. He wrote several times that he hates me and at one point he said when I was sick he hoped I would d*e.
When I read those words I packed up me and our baby and went to a friend’s where I’m staying now. I took pictures of all the pages. I told him I just need some space to cool off after our conversation and I will be home soon. I booked with my therapist and contacted a lawyer. We had a rough patch recently that lasted about two weeks. It was a dark time, but we pulled through.
There was no vi*lence, no moments where I was afraid of him, just sincere conversations about difficult feelings. The notes of hatred correspond with that rough patch. The rest of the journal is tame and reflects the man I know and love- mostly little self pep-talks around work and family stuff, goals, habit tracking. He has sent me several warm messages since I left.
He says he’s glad I’m taking space for myself, that he looks forward to reconnecting when I come home, it’s ok to have little hiccups, that he loves me etc. I was sure our relationship was over the moment I read that he hates me (or even the moment I felt the need to violate his privacy) but the warm messages and the rest of the journal have me wavering a little.
I understand the need to blow off steam when things are tense, and journaling is a healthy way to do that. But never in even our darkest moments have I fantasized about his d8ath. Splitting up maybe, but this feels so sinister. I don’t know how I could ever feel safe around him again. Is this just healthy venting and I’m overreacting here?
Has anyone else had similar thoughts about a spouse that they then got over? Or is this a man I need to protect myself and my baby from? The rough patch was about his feelings for another woman. He didn’t cheat, but his friendship with her makes me uncomfortable. The part of the journal where he says he hates me was written as a love letter to her. He says he thinks about me dying and being replaced.
TL;DR: Husband and I had a rough patch and he wrote in his journal that he hates me and hopes I die. Wondering if this could just be healthy venting, or if not, what steps I should take to protect me and my baby.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Jealous-Ad-5146 wrote:
I’m married 17 years and I’ve never wished my spouse would die…. Like WHAT!!!!!! Does he know you seen this? He just left it out like he wanted you to see it.
And you are the mother of his child 😭
OP responded:
He doesn’t know I’ve seen it. He has always left it out.
carlorway wrote:
It is over. He wrote a love letter in his journal to another woman? You know it is more than a friendship. No matter what he says to your face. Stay strong. Contact an attorney. Go to your home while he is at work and gather more of your belongings.
I am sorry. Don't believe his words now. He is seeing a strong woman stand up for herself, and reality is hitting him in his face.
20keller12 wrote:
Email those pictures to at least one person you trust before he finds out you've seen them.
Few-Faithlessness448 wrote:
He wishes you dead? And no you are not overreacting. That is how he feels about you. All the other is an act. Girl check if he has taken a life insurance on your name with him as beneficiary.
carlorway wrote:
It is over. He wrote a love letter in his journal to another woman? You know it is more than a friendship. No matter what he says to your face. Stay strong. Contact an attorney. Go to your home while he is at work and gather more of your belongings. I am sorry. Don't believe his words now. He is seeing a strong woman stand up for herself, and reality is hitting him in his face.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
I hope I’m doing this right. Thank you so much for all the advice and words of encouragement. Some of it was tough to read, but still deeply appreciated. Wanted to do an update because a lot of people were concerned for my safety. I took a commenter’s advice and sent the pictures to a trusted friend.
She pointed out that a passage I initially read as “every day I think about telling her” actually very clearly says k*lling her. I guess my brain couldn’t comprehend that at first. I received a ton of helpful perspective and support, but that comment in particular might have saved my life. After I digested that, I called a crisis line and they were quite helpful in talking me through the shock.
They also put me in touch with a center that’s helping me get more affordable legal help. Bought some more time from my husband. Told him I’m enjoying getting out of town and I’d like to stay an extra night or two. I have therapy tomorrow and an appointment with a social worker to make a safety plan. I feel like I have a good crew of family, friends and professionals supporting me.
Absolutely zero regrets now about reading his journal. My gut told me something was OFF but I couldn’t have imagined a worst case scenario as bad as this. I’m so glad the inner alarm bells were louder than my conscience this time. Nothing about this marriage is worth risking my life to salvage.
TLDR; I initially misread a part in the journal that says he thinks every day about ki*ling me. Will be keeping myself out of the news and staying the hell away from him for good.
The internet was glad to hear OP is taking steps for her safety.
Y-Crwydryn wrote:
I think me and this entire subreddit are applauding you right now and are so relieved that you are taking these actions and protecting yourself. No marriage is worth being another statistic for. When I saw your post I was horrified for you and I am personally so glad you got the hell out of there asap. Sincerely I hope it is onwards and upwards for you from now on OP.
colorado_sweetheart wrote:
He will temporarily be even more dangerous once he realizes you're leaving and especially once he realizes it will cost him a lot of money (child support, divorce attorney). No matter how sweet he acts, please don't be alone with him AT ALL. Be very aware of your surroundings.
The book "Why Did He Do That?" by Lundy Buncroft is amazing in these situations. You can probably find a free PDF online. That book saved my life and my sanity when I was afraid my ex-husband was going to k*ll me.
ShapeSweet4544 wrote:
My goddess!! You saved yours and your child’s life!
YOU DID GREAT!! I’m super proud of you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Lazyhazyeye wrote:
You know, I have a journal myself and while I get annoyed with my husband, I’ve never written in there once that I wanted him to die. I know my husband would never do this but if he felt curious he could read mine, although it’s a lot of cringey, boring junk. 🤣 I’m glad you are out of the house right now and talked to an IRL friend about this. Take care of yourself and stay safe!
Another week later, OP shared another update.
Just want to say a huge thank you to this community for helping me through a challenging time. Your comments and messages have been such a comfort and I’m so touched by the kindness of internet strangers. At the suggestion of the social worker, I reported his journal to the local police, and that was (unsurprisingly) a 1/10 experience.
The officer I spoke to chided me for reading his journal, spoke about his “reasonable expectation of privacy” and basically threatened to tell my husband I had reported him. I had to firmly advocate for myself and stress that I was AFRAID FOR MY LIFE. It was an awful conversation, but now there is at least a record which includes photos of the journal.
The family lawyer I spoke with advised me to file a protection order right away. The order would ban him from all contact with me and our child - bar him from our residence, my workplace, and any other places I request. He would then have to prove to a judge that he is a fit parent to be able to see his daughter again, and then we would go to mediation to try and agree on what visitation would look like.
Another wrench in this situation is that we own a business together. I have an appointment with another lawyer this week to discuss what my options are there. The business was my idea, I’m confident I can run it without him (and I want to), but he’s put a lot of time into it and it’s the main source of income for both of us right now.
It’s a good money maker, and I’m worried he’d fight me tooth and nail on this. We take turns going in, so I went as usual on Saturday (with a friend and a baseball bat). I continued my act of intending to reconcile, doing video calls with the baby, etc. While I was at our workplace, I found ANOTHER JOURNAL. Page after page love letters to this other woman going back months.
The progression from “I liked seeing you at the grocery store” to “I drove past your house today” was WILD. He writes about how he’s deeply in love with her, can’t wait to marry her, etc. He wrote about every interaction he’s ever had with her and the poor woman seems completely innocent and oblivious. Even what he perceived as flirting seems like basic politeness.
He mentions a few other times that he wants me to die. The most recent entry was from the day before. He writes to her that he thinks I might be breaking up with him, but that’s fine because he never liked me that much anyway. If he’s upset about anything, it’s just about losing the house and how the breakup will be perceived by our friends and community.
Curious if people think I should warn the other woman…it’s my instinct not to, at least not before the ink dries on our impending paperwork. I was already concerned about how he might react to being served with the protection order - most worried that he might try to sabotage our business or trash the house.
Given how preoccupied he seems to be with his public image, I made a plan to confront him about the journals and use the protection order as leverage.
Here’s how it went down: I left the journal and my baby with my friend and went to our house with 2 trusted male friends (and the baseball bat).
They waited on our porch. I told my husband that if they heard anything louder than a speaking voice they would come in with the bat. I told him I had to tell him something he wouldn’t like to hear, and he needed to know that I had already taken steps to protect myself. I told him I read the journals - specifically what he said about wanting me to die and thinking every day about k**ling me.
I said I had taken photos, that they are backed up, and a trusted source also has copies. That I also have the original copy of the journal full of love letters. I wondered until this moment if he had intended for me to find them but he was obviously blindsided. He tried to say it was just venting, but I told him I would not be taking any chances or entertaining anything he has to say about it.
That after reading what I read, I will never trust him or feel safe around him ever again. I told him that no one that knows him knows about this yet - the men on the porch just know that I’m breaking up with him and need support. This was true, aside from the friend that I called to stay with and the other friend I sent the photos to (who lives on the other side of the country).
I said I am willing to protect his reputation here if he cooperates with me. I told him that I don’t even have to ruin his chances with the other woman, BUT I CAN. I said that he can either do what I need to feel safe, or I can have that safety court ordered. He asked what I wanted, and I said I wanted him to give up the business.
We’ll sort out the details after I speak to the other lawyer, but for now I want his keys and I’ll be changing the passwords on everything. He didn’t put up any kind of fight. He didn’t want to hear anything about what it would look like to go through the courts. He didn’t ask about our baby. He just calmly got up and got the keys and asked if I wanted anything else.
I told him that any communication with me should be about separation logistics only, like arranging a time for me to collect the rest of my things. Since then he has been blowing up my phone - saying I know his heart, let’s walk back from the edge, let’s talk to a therapist, he’s sorry his words hurt me etc.
Each time, I just tell him he’s crossing my boundaries and he backs off. He apparently told his mom and sister everything and they’re supporting him in getting help. He’s been cooperative so far. He’s interviewing for a new job, seeing a therapist and updating me on his movements (though I didn’t ask for this).
I’ve temporarily moved in with my parents. My commute to work is longer, but I have help with baby and home cooked dinners. Starting to settle into new routines, doing SO MUCH THERAPY and yoga. I inherited a small cabin before my husband and I met. It is currently being renovated and the original plan was to move in there with my husband and baby when it’s done.
The cabin is actually in my mother’s name because she’s never trusted my husband (CORRECT) and wanted me to shield it from him in case of a divorce (THANK YOU, MOM). So I will have a permanent home for me and baby very soon. The dust still needs to settle and it could get worse before it gets better but I’m optimistic at this point.
I’m confident I’m going to come out the other side of this as a bada*s single mom with an incredible child, a thriving business and an adorable little home. Honestly, the thought of having all those things on my own without my husband is so FREEING. I’ve got a great village supporting me. Thank you all so much for being part of it.
T;LDR: confronted my husband about the journal (with backup). He’s going to step away from our shared business and stay out of my life. Have a protection order ready to go if he acts up.
The internet continued to have her back.
yyyyeahno wrote:
He's already not putting up a fight and that itself is a huge relief. If she still lets the lady know, it could make him snap and hurt her and the baby. OP has to think about her kids safety and try to not be a target.
OP responded:
This is exactly where my head is at. I don’t know this woman, so I can’t trust her not to tell her friends and I don’t want it to get back to him.
_stavino wrote:
I’m very glad to hear how much better things are getting, and that you were able to escape a dangerous situation. Regarding the other woman — I completely understand why you’d be hesitant to contact her, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s being forthcoming with everything you ask for with the thought of “none of it matters as long as I have ____”.
You don’t have to do it personally of course, but I definitely fear for her safety; at best she has a stalker whose life has just been uprooted.
StillLikesTurtles wrote:
OP’s lawyer or social worker should handle that. OP should share it with both, either can take appropriate action to inform the other woman. No need for OPs life to be messier or give the soon to be ex anything to work with.
OP responded:
Lawyer agreed with me that it’s best not to talk to the other woman for now. The p*lice know.
tutubananarama wrote:
It would make a wonderful book someday…maybe you can turn this horrible event into a stream of income for you and your baby somehow, to help with your new life. It takes a week just to make the appointments sometimes, lawyers, therapists…but protection orders can come quickly. Please tell us this is real. That you didn’t lie to us.
OP responded:
It is all unfortunately real. For anyone else in a similar situation that might be reading this- in my area there is a legal center that holds space for emergency appointments every day at 2pm. Protection orders are processed the same day they are filed (that’s my understanding, I didn’t actually file one yet).
As far as a therapist - I have one I see regularly, so I already had an appointment on the books. After speaking with me, my therapist opened up an additional weekend appointment because I obviously needed the extra support.
-Darth__baker- wrote:
I am so thankful to read this I have been thinking about you the last 2 days. So happy you advocated for yourself, took the correct measures and didn't accept anything less than what you deserve in this life. The road ahead isn't ever as long as we think it is and it's good you left and are able to heal and move forward! ✨️
OP responded:
Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts!
mrs_javey wrote:
He doesn't care about his child?
OP responded:
This is what’s most shocking to me. He was always such an attentive father but he’s not fighting for her at all.
tutubananarama wrote:
It would make a wonderful book someday…maybe you can turn this horrible event into a stream of income for you and your baby somehow, to help with your new life. It takes a week just to make the appointments sometimes, lawyers, therapists…but protection orders can come quickly. Please tell us this is real. That you didn’t lie to us.
OP responded:
It is all unfortunately real. For anyone else in a similar situation that might be reading this- in my area there is a legal centre that holds space for emergency appointments every day at 2pm. Protection orders are processed the same day they are filed (that’s my understanding, I didn’t actually file one yet).
As far as a therapist - I have one I see regularly, so I already had an appointment on the books. After speaking with me, my therapist opened up an additional weekend appointment because I obviously needed the extra support.
tmink0220 wrote:
First I am proud you stood up to the cops who are very male oriented, reading his journals may have saved your life. Men have k*lled women to be with lovers. Also tell the woman he is going after. She deserves to know who he is. Keep moving forward, you may have just got the business hands down. I am so proud of you.
OP responded:
Thank you. I do want to tell the other woman, but I don’t think it’s safe to do that yet. Me and baby come first.
CrackORTweek wrote:
Thanks. I wouldn’t have said I was this strong a week ago. At one point I was so stressed I actually s**t myself and my face has broken out in a rash so it hasn’t all been warrior energy, but we’re getting there. 💪
It sounds like OP has taken all the necessary steps to protect both her and the baby.