'I refuse to openly help and cooperate with my stepchildren’s bio dad who hurt all of us. AITA?' UPDATED

"I refuse to openly help and cooperate with my stepchildren’s bio dad who hurt all of us. AITA?"

My (30M) wife (36F) have been together for four years. She has two children (17F and 14M) and I have one (8F). The biological father of the two kids has stopped visiting or being a part of their life consistently for about 8+ years now as he went to another state.

Six months into our relationship, my wife (girlfriend at the time) filed a custody case to reflect the fact he hasn’t been paying child support and doesn’t see his kids anymore since it was currently set to 50/50.

The biological father went crazy and proceeded to try and come after all four of us in different ways. Called the authorities and tried to force the kids to leave the house with him since it’s “his week,” and even tried to yell at them over the phone claiming they are to blame for everything.

He attempted to damage my reputation within the military claiming that I was some horrible person and made up stories to make my leadership talk to me about what was going on. Due to all of this, the daughter has refused to acknowledge his existence and wants nothing to do with him (this is now reflected in the current court orders).

This brings us to the question at hand. My wife constantly wants to include the father in things for both kids (whether it be birthdays or doctor visits) because it is “the right thing to do since they are his kids.” I have fought this to a point and have gone as far as to not answer him when he wants to know what his daughter wants for presents since she refuses to tell him.

My wife and I have been getting into arguments lately where she claims that I don’t understand what it is like to be distant from a daughter (which I do as noted above) and that I’m an AH for not trying to help bridge the gap between them. So. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

Edit 1: I just wanted to explain the new court documents. Stepdaughter doesn’t need to see father anymore. He has not come to anything but insists on trying to buy her things and even wants us all to “go in on a gift together.” Stepson sees him twice a month for a weekend and has stated he feels he is more of a fun uncle he gets free stuff from.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Ducky818 wrote:

NTA. You have to willingly participate to be a decent parent. He has not. He only keeps any custody to be a thorn in the side of the mother. If he wants to discuss his daughter, it should either be with the daughter or the mother. Since the daughter doesn't currently want him in her life, that would leave the mom. You do not need to interact with him in this very difficult co-parenting situation.

OP responded:

Yeah, I think my wife just feels like if she can get her daughter to get more things like money or whatever, it will benefit her daughter more than not having it.

Ok_Lemon24 wrote:

Definitely NTA. No idea why your wife would even suggest or say such things to you. The biological father didn’t pay child support nor did he visit his kids, he had also tried to damage your reputation after he learned about the custody case. I say you have every right to be mad at your wife, and I hope you talk to her about this.

OP responded:

That is the hard part. She claims I’m being biased for myself instead of thinking about the kids considering the history I now have with the bio dad.

tosser9212 wrote:

Ex didn't separate you from his vengeance, seems to me you opting out of everything to do with him is appropriate.

NTA, and your wife needs to understand that she has a responsibility to her ex regarding the children; you do not.

OP responded:

I think she does, but she also seems to be wanting us to be three happy co-parents as opposed to the divide that he created.

charming-industry-86 wrote:

I don't think a 17yo female will take kindly to a man she can't stand going on doctor visits, let alone showing up for birthdays. Granted, they are his children, but I wonder if the wife is over this guy. There doesn't seem to be anything about the son.

He's the one to worry about, the daughter will be 18, and dad won't be able to do anything, but the son will still have to have contact. The wife is delusional if she thinks her present husband should bridge the gap when her ex nearly sabotaged his career.

Bonnm42 wrote:

NTA, at 17 and 14 years old, the kids are old enough to decide for themselves if they want their Dad to be present at one of their events. Besides, the Father blaming his kids for everything tells me he shouldn’t be around them, (if they don’t want), anyway.

Pushing the kids to have a relationship with someone who ignored and blamed them will only lead to the kids resenting both their bio parents.

kol_al wrote:

What your wife is doing is the wrong thing to do and the longer she keeps it up, the more she damages her relationship with her daughter. Has she ever considered some counseling with the daughter so that someone can explain that her "he's her father" reasoning is likely to create some long term problems for her child?

Trick_Delivery4609 wrote:

NTA. All communication with him should be through a court approved parenting app and that only.

Once he tried to mess up your job, you don't owe him any favors. He can go through the court or the app or the lawyers. Put up hard boundaries.

CaptainMalForever wrote:

NTA.

As long as you don't get in the way of legal stuff (like with the doctor's visits, that might fall under the custody agreement), but also, you need to support your wife as well.

OP responded:

I avoid getting involved as much as I can, but it is hard to support her as I see her getting taken advantage of by the bio dad at the same time with trying to get more time with the kids or even reducing child support for a month because “he really needs it instead."

Bravobsession wrote:

NTA. I would have zero contact with anyone who tried to ruin my career, I would block that man and never look back. Your wife is delusional and her attempts to force you and the children to have a relationship with a father who clearly doesn’t care bout them are harmful.

She is teaching them that it’s normal to accept being ignored and/or treated poorly by someone who supposedly loves you. She is teaching them to ignore their own feelings. She is teaching them it’s ok for others to violate their boundaries because even their own mother doesn’t respect them.

She’s teaching them to be people pleasers because “it’s the right thing to do”. It’s BS and it’s damaging to the entire family. I really hope you share the responses with her because she needs a reality check.

OP responded:

Considering her own mental health history growing up in an abusive household, I’m wondering if she just needs to go back into therapy to understand the disconnect.