'AITA for not giving medical help to family after they skipped my brother's wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for not giving medical help to family after they skipped my brother's wedding?"
My younger brother got married this past July. We have a huge family and half of them didn’t come (dad’s siblings and their families; mom’s sisters and their spouses, grandparents, some of our first row cousins). They all gave some bs excuse but the real reason was my brother married a guy instead of a girl.
I decided if they don’t care about my brother, I don’t care about them. I’m not going to go no contact or make some drama around it but I decided I’ll throw the same bulls&^t excuses they gave to my brother.
Present day: I’m a pediatric resident so all of my cousins or their wives always text me when their children have something. (Side note: my country has free healthcare, but it’s more convenient to text me than to go to their doctor) anyway.
On Friday one of my cousins texted me, I opened the text, saw it was a medical related thing (but not that could be remotely deadly) and decided to ignore the message. She texted me twice over the weekend. This is the second time one of my cousins tries to get (non urgent!) medical advice since the wedding.
Today my aunt call me in her behalf and told me family help are there for each other, I told her “funny, I don’t remember any of you at my brother’s wedding”. which of was the start of a long monologue.
My mom, who is an LGBTQ+ ally is standing with me but my dad who is more “old fashioned” says I need to understand and be “tolerant” towards people who don’t think like me. So, should I just “forgive”?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
RaddishSlaw says:
NTA. You don't have to be an LGBTQ+ ally to just not be an AH. Just tolerant and respectful of other people's lifestyles. Those people weren't tolerant of your brother's choices so why do you have to be tolerant of them? Is about reciprocating their behaviours. You have nothing to forgive, you just aren't doing the first giving.
NONE0FURBIZZ says:
Bless you for realizing what your brother has to go through and standing beside him. NTA, let their homphobia help themselves.
SeductivexXxMaira says:
No, you're not the a%#&ole. It's completely understandable to feel hurt and disappointed by your family's actions towards your brother. You are entitled to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.
bellasunshinex says:
You're not the a%@*ole. Your family skipped your brother's wedding over who he married, so they can live with the consequences of their “convenient” medical advice requests.
Later OP posted this update:
First, I’ll start by clarifying some things. I love how most of you are under the impression/assumption that my cousins call me, and I just tell them what to do.
The thing is, if I feel that something needs to be checked out, I go to their houses (for example, if it’s an insect bite or a runny nose, I’ll tell them what to do, but if it’s an ugly cough, I’ll go and listen to their lungs), or I tell them to go to the ER or their doctor if I can’t make it or if it’s an emergency.
I have done multiple home visits, read lab results, and gone on “control appointments” for my aunts, uncles, and cousins for years now. When the grown-ups are dehydrated, I even give them IV fluids (not to children because they need specially “made” fluids depending on their lab results).
I do this free of charge (I actually lose money because I sometimes buy medicine for them), but I don’t care because I love being a doctor and helping people (especially family!). I work in a public hospital, so I didn’t go into this field to become rich. I’m not saying this to gain sympathy; I just wanted to clarify.
Some of you might think I’m stupid, but I do agree that “family has to be there for family,” and I’d rather go do a check-up for them than have them wait three hours in a waiting room. I guess this is why it bothers me so much that I’m basically their “home doctor,” and they can’t put on a nice dress and come celebrate my brother. If I go above and beyond for you, I expect the same treatment.
As for my brother, he says he doesn’t care, but we all know he does (because of the comments he makes when he says he doesn’t care). But, he has been getting psychological help for a while now and healing a lot of internalized stuff. He tells me not to lose time or tears over this.
Some people said I should talk to them. The thing is, I tried talking to them when their RSVPs came in, and no one really changed their minds. I don’t resent or hate them, I just don’t consider them family anymore, and without that, I really don’t see why I should treat them any differently than average patients.
To the commenter that said: "YTA to cut off people who had a kid get sick last minute or some other real reason. Also... sometimes people give a lame excuse instead of saying they can't afford to go."
As for those concerned about people who legitimately couldn’t come. I’m not a monster. One cousin is pregnant and avoiding big crowds to prevent getting sick, which I understand. One cousin has a child with a recently diagnosed neurological condition, and they are avoiding triggers, which I also understand.
The cousin whose kid was sick this weekend wasn’t sick during my brother’s wedding. This was not a destination wedding; it was in our city, actually in the same place I got married three years ago—and they all came to that wedding.
But for example, something that I learned yesterday, when my brother sent the invitations (WhatsApp link), the answer he got from this particular cousin who texted me was “lol.” I was not aware of this until I talked to him yesterday after my dad said what he said.
Someone said: Refusing medical advice, though, that's pushing it. Just because you know it's not urgent doesn't mean they do. I'm not saying you have to help them, but you could at least respond with the words "not urgent" or "Go to your doctor," given that most of these people were used to getting medical advice from you and will have panicked.
Now they all know my services are over. We live close to a hospital, so they’ll go if they are worried—they are not neglectful parents. As for those concerned about them damaging my reputation, we live in a big enough city, and when I’m done with residency, I’ll work as a primary pediatrician on the other side of the city, so I’m not too worried, even though I don’t think they’ll say anything.
To those asking about my parents: My mom helped organize everything and paid part of the price, and she has “a list” of people who didn’t come. My dad wasn’t thrilled but has been respectful toward everyone and helped when my mom asked.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
NTA. You're absolutely doing the right thing by prioritizing your brother and distancing yourself from family members who couldn't even show up for his wedding due to their prejudice. It's clear that they don't share your values, and you don't owe them anything, especially not your medical expertise.
NTA, the %$#@#phobes can pay for their medical needs like everyone else. They decided your brother wasn’t family anymore. So stop engaging with these homophobes. All of your medical advice to them from now on should be “damn that sounds bad, you should probably go get that checked out with a doctor.”
What the F^%$ is wrong with people?!? I can't believe that in this day and age, we're still having these kinds of discussions!