'I told the man I've been talking to I'm nervous to meet him because I’m overweight.' UPDATED 2X

Being vulnerable can be terrifying, but it's also the only way to truly get close to people.

"I (24F) told the man I have been taking to (30M) that I am nervous to meet him because I’m overweight."

I 24F have been talking with a man well call him Tom 30M for about a month. We have not met yet in person and are supposed to finally meet in the beginning of June. An hour ago, I sent him a message telling him that I am nervous to meet him because I am a bit overweight.

For context, about 1.5 years ago I ended things with my ex fiancé. The breakup was very messy and mentally taxing. I entered a depressive state. I stopped working out, gained about 60lbs, I was vaping and depended on alcohol much more than I should have. I also didn’t feel like myself at all and was very unhappy.

Luckily, I have an amazing family, friends and a pretty dope therapist. Slowly, I’ve been able to pull myself out of my depression rut and by the start of this year I was feeling much like my old self again. Feeling better, I decided to really grind down on breaking these bad habits. I quit vaping 3 months ago and about 1 month ago I started going to the gym consistently.

My relationship with alcohol is much healthier as well. Now I’m trying to clean up my diet to lose weight so I can feel confident in my skin again. I really had no intentions of dating seriously until I met my goals but here we are. At the begging of this month I was bored and swiping on hinge and I happened to match with Tom.

He asked to follow me on Instagram and I didn’t think much would happen. The first few days we chatted it was sparse and nothing of interest. Plus he told me he would be out of town in another country until June. Then everything shifted, we had one really good conversation and I found myself looking forward to each notification I received from him.

He’s sweet, kind and really funny. He remembers small details such as my favorite flowers. Today he even sent me a photo of a plate with my favorite flower and said it reminded him of me. He’s also told me he already likes me on numerous occasions. We send photos of each other back and forth.

He has seen what I look like, but I don’t think he realizes I’m a bit chubby. Mainly in the arm and stomach area. We are supposed to meet when he comes back and I started to get nervous that he would no longer be attracted to me. Which is something that has never bothered me before (I have still been casual with men throughout this). I also know that I am pretty and so much more than looks.

But, I have genuine feelings for this man and I am afraid of his rejection. I sent him a message a few hours ago with many of the same details I included here. I’m really nervous for his response and it’s getting close to morning in the country he’s currently at. I want to hear advice from those who may have been in a similar situation.

Commenters were encouraging.

Constantine28 wrote:

My girlfriend felt like you (probably with some extra anxieties too), it took several months for us to meet in person, when we did, I was smitten. We’ve been together almost 2 years now. You’ll never know if you don’t try!

test_test_1_2_3 wrote:

He’s seems photos of you and you’ve warned him how you’re feeling insecure about your weight. If he’s still keen to meet you then you just need to get out your own way and meet him.

You’re never going to get over insecurity and anxiety without taking some uncomfortable steps, you will never feel 100% secure or ready to step outside your comfort zone. The only way to get over it is to do it.

You also don’t need to get yourself ‘perfect’ before you consider having another relationship. For a start, you’ll never feel that way because you’ll keep moving the goalposts but mostly you just don’t need to. Losing a bit more weight won’t eliminate insecurity, getting out there and proving to yourself that nothing is as bad as it is in your head will.

Notwickedy wrote:

Hey, my (now) husband and I had originally never met, and only been friends over video games. I was also more chubby than you, and like you, was extremely nervous about him being disappointed when he met me (he is very fit). I told him the exact thing you did and was upfront about it. It 100% didnt matter to him and we’ve been married 10 years now. If he’s the one, it won’t matter!

edgelordcoffee wrote:

As someone who is in a "mixed-weight relationship" (read: I'm bigger than my partner), communication was key. I always posted at least one full body picture on my dating account, and I told him clearly before we ever met that I was not only taller than him, but heavier. Everything worked out great!

Here's the kicker...he likes me for me. I enjoy my body, he enjoys my body, we're happy. Let loose! Trust him. If he says he likes you for you, take that and run with it. I hope everything works out for you!

The same day, OP jumped on with an update.

Hi guys, I do have an update for everyone. I wanted to start by thanking everyone for the very kind comments and encouraging messages. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read this post and give thoughtful advice.

I also wanted to address all of the photos on my Hinge profile and Instagram are from the past 8 months. None of my old photos from when I was thinner are present on either platform.

However, I do feel these photos are more flattering angels of myself. Now onto the update. An hour after my intitial post he did see and reply to my message. I got super nervous and took some time to calm my nerves before opening and replying. To my absolute delight it was very thoughtful and kind message.

“OP. You were considering waiting and making excuses not to meet??? You’re beyond fine. I appreciate the vulnerability, but you didn’t need to say all of this. However, since you did I’ll say this back. Wherever you’re at is fine! You’re beautiful, and there’s no need to worry. I’m not worried one way or another."

"Lifestyle, chemistry, and compatibility are what’s important to me when looking at who I’m interested in seeing…not if they’re some arbitrary societal standard of weight or beauty.

If there’s anything I can do to ease that worry, let me know.”

We ended up talking until about 4 in the morning and I’m happy to say that we will be meeting when he is back in the beginning of June. Thank you so much again! I will maybe give another update in the future here soon.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

Ok_Crab_2781 wrote:

Damn what a nice response. It’s also not impossible that he has a siccness for the thiccness so go get it girl!!

bleedingdaylight0 wrote:

Good luck to you! I made excuses not to meet my husband back when we were talking online due to concerns about my weight but boy, was he annoyingly persistent! I finally snapped at him that I’d meet him, but he shouldn’t expect a Barbie doll. He said that he didn’t care if I weighed 100 lbs or 1,000 lbs. Best. Decision. Ever. We celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary this year.

OP responded:

Wow this is so sweet! Congrats on 17 years!!!!

Mrsericmatthews wrote:

Yay! Honestly, this makes the most sense if he is looking for long term. Bodies can change for so many reasons (kids, an accident, hormones, surgery, etc.etc.). If you focus on something that can be so fickle, you're setting yourself up for failure in a long term relationship.

cue_cruella wrote:

That was the perfect response. I hope you two get married and live happily ever after.

Almost two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I know everyone has been waiting for the update and I’m happy to say today we finally went on our date. Thank you again for all of the encouraging comments and support.

But, before I jump into that there were a few more comments and questions I wanted to address, especially because this post made its way to other subreddits. First thing is that both Tom and I are from the US and live in the same state. He was out of the country for work. He is not foreign.

Second, many people assumed that I was sleeping with other men while talking to him. I was not, in fact he was the only person I was talking too. Now onto the date itself. It was absolutely wonderful and he is genuinely one of the kindest, funniest and most handsome man I have ever had the pleasure of going on a date with.

Tom was very excited to see me, we hugged and he surprised me with sunflowers. We got cozy on the couch and ended up talking for nearly four hours. We got kicked out because the spot we went to closed. He was really easy to talk too and the conversations moved just as smoothly as they did through texts.

Also, I kept blushing because he kept complimenting me and the way he was looking at me I know he is attracted to me. After we got kicked out, we chatted outside for a bit longer and he walked me to my car. We hugged and I went to kiss him on the cheek and he turned my face and kissed me on the lips instead.

It was very cute and sweet. Tom asked me if I wanted to see him again this weekend and I said yes. He also messaged me immediately when he got home of when and where we will be going. I’m not sure if I’m going to update again, but maybe if something really exciting develops I will. I wanted to say thank you again for all of the love and support. Ya’ll are beautiful.

The support kept coming in.

Candid-Quail-9927 wrote:

Such a happy update. This is very sweet and would love to hear an update in couple of months. Enjoy the early days they are delicious.

colossalstoryteller wrote:

Awww, I'm so happy for you! It sounds like you had an amazing time on your date. The sunflowers were such a sweet gesture, and it's clear he's really into you. Blushing and compliments? Adorable! And that kiss?

Swoon! I'm glad you felt comfortable being upfront about your weight. If he's a good guy, it won't matter to him. Enjoy this exciting new connection and keep us posted on the next date! You deserve all the happiness.

teambrendawalsh wrote:

This is the uplifting update that the internet needed. I get feeling self conscious about your weight and I think it is really awesome that you were able to be vulnerable and tell him as much. I’m also glad that this dude treated you like the queen that you are. Have fun on your second date and keep us posted.

Mullinore wrote:

Plenty of dudes just want a kind, considerate woman, and if she is carrying a bit of extra weight, no big deal. In some societies it is seen as a sign of fertility. I don't think skinny women are as attractive to as many men as the media lets on. Most guys, myself included, like natural women, imperfections and all.