'I told my brother that I won't attend his wedding. His fiancee wants me to pretend to be straight.' UPDATED 2X

It's important to put your foot down and stand up for yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable in the moment.

"I told my brother that I wouldn't attend his wedding."

Me (M25) and my brother (M28) have never had a good relationship and it only got worse after i came out as gay, luckily our relationship has gotten a bit better over the last two years. In those two years he met his fiancée.

Me and her never got along because she doesn't like gay people in her mind we are sick. I had an argument with her once and she told me that I needed help because, in her words, I am "sick in the head and need professional help."

It's not the only thing she has done and said to me but i don't want to get into details. So my brother came to visit a couple days ago. It was a surprise since he doesn't visit often. I let him in and we started talking. He told me he was getting married and i congratulated him. We talked for a while longer and then he tells me that he has to tell me something.

I asked him what was wrong and he tells me that he wants me to attend his wedding without my husband and instead bring a girl. I asked him why I can't attend with my husband and he tells me that it is how his fiancée wants it and that I should accept it since it would only be for one day. We got in an argument and i told him that he shouldn't expect me to attend since I wouldn't be there.

After I said this he told me that I'm an AH and accused me of not wanting him to be happy. He left and a couple hours later my mom called me. She asked what was wrong because my brother told her that we had a fight, I told her what happened and she told me that she would like to see me attend his wedding but that she understands if I don't.

My father on the other hand messaged me telling me that i'm an asshole for hurting my brothers feelings but his reactions are nothing new. Honestly I want to attend his wedding because he is my brother and I love him but as things stand I will not go. Thank you for your time and have a nice day.

The comments came rolling in.

milky_coconuts wrote:

Honestly you shouldn’t go. Your brother doesn’t leave a woman who’s disrespectful towards his family (aka you). Your relationship might have improved but honestly I don’t feel like it’s enough. Now wanting YOU to come where you know his wife doesn’t accept you and he doesn’t try to defend you (even if I understand that he is kind of homophobic) it’s another thing.

And even have the nerves to ask you to pretends to have a girl ? You’re married with your husband for god’s sake. It’s not like he’s just your bf (even there I think it’s problematic), that’s not normal that you’re being asked to deny your sexuality to attend to a wedding.

OP responded:

I want to be there for him but I don't think it is worth it. Like I said in the post, his fiancée has done and said a lot of stuff to me and he only defended me once. I get we don't have the best relationship but it hurts that he thinks so little of me. Him asking me to bring a girl instead of my husband really hurt, not just myself but my husband too.

It especially hurt since we invited his fiancée to our wedding even though she doesn't like us. My brother doesn't like that i'm gay, he accepts it to a point but I never thought he'd act like that. It just hurts.

abcdefthis wrote:

Did they come to your wedding? Out of curiosity.

OP responded:

They did but i had to basically beg my brother to come.

ForsakenPhotograph30 wrote:

What a horrible thing for SIL to ask. Stay home with the one who loves you!

OP responded:

It really hurts to hear that she wants it that way, no matter what she has done I never thought she be like this.

KingPercyTheFirst wrote:

F#ck all of them, you and your husband should do something hella fun instead.

OP responded:

We are probably going to spend time with friends or go and visit his family. Either way we'll have fun.

Skyforger53 wrote:

Your family sound pretty awful, I'm sorry you have to deal with so many bigots in your life. I would 100% not be going to the wedding.

OP responded:

My mother isn't all that bad after her and my dad got divorced. My sister is the only one that I truly feel like she cares about me. My father is just, well he's even worse than my brother.

Annual_Version_6250 wrote:

Even if he had asked you to come alone its disrespectful to you and your husband. But to ask you to come with a girl? Sorry we aren't living in the 1800's. He needs to stand up to his fiancee.

VacaoComTil wrote:

Ask him how he would feel if you told him to pretend to be gay and bring another man to some kind of event you have at your house.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So I honestly didn't think about posting an update especially so soon but something happened today so I thought it would be right to post about it. After I made my post, me and my husband had a talk and to keep it short he told me I could go if i really wanted to but i told him I didn't want to without him so that's that. Now for what happened.

Early this morning I woke up to a lot of texts from family and even friends, they've been messaging me a lot after it all happened. I looked through most of them but I decided to not reply since most of them were bad. So the morning goes pretty good and me and my husband leave at 11 because we were going to watch his nephew's soccer game (he lost), after the game was over and we left, we just had some fun.

An hour after we got home my sister called me. I picked up and she told me she and our brother had a fight over what had happened. When I asked what happened she told me that she asked him why I can't bring my husband and he straight up told her it is because he is ashamed of me. After he said this they got in a huge fight and she told him she wouldn't attend either.

We talked for a little bit longer and we promised to meet up in a couple days to spend some time together. I'll admit that when I hung up I started crying. I always thought my brother at least had a little bit of love for me but I was wrong.

I'm honestly planning on cutting him out of my life and if he ever wants to be back in my life then he has to show me he deserves it. I'm honestly a mess, I just want all this crap to stop. I hope he has a good wedding and that he'll be happy but i'm done.

The internet was quick to respond.

Azile96 wrote:

What a sh#$ty thing to say! I'm glad your sister stood up for you. I hope your brother changes his mind, but you've got sorry in this decision to not go. I hope you and your husband have a great time together on that day! Make it count!

FennekinFlames wrote:

Honestly, this post makes me feel extremely thankful for my older sister. Me and her are the only siblings, and she's my biggest supporter by far, hands down. Me and her have each others' backs. If something bad happens to one of us, the other is there to comfort them. I even cut off my uncle and his wife in support of my sister, when they started bashing her for converting to Paganism.

TheReaperPrez wrote:

Cut them all out. If your family can't love you for who you are then they're no family at all. You're awesome and deserve love, respect, and happiness. I don't have the entire family history here but sounds like a few members of your family look down on you because of who you love and no one needs that in their life. I hope your husband's family is more loving and accepting of you guys.

There's no good reason your brother couldn't swallow his homophobia if he really loves you but, as you said, he's ashamed. Sounds like he's only pissed because his bride isn't getting the picture perfect wedding she wants.

Edit: I reread my statement and I think it's too brunt. It's not an easy thing to cut out loved ones. Sorry about that. I think you should make what decision makes you feel best but I am sorry your family is treating you like this.

chacalgamer wrote:

Jesus mate. I would've cut him out ages ago. Who tf asks their brother to bring someone else other than their SO to their wedding??? What the f#$k. Not only that, but he's homophobic? F#$k that. I mean, I cut ties with my brother for less than that. You should too, it feels good to let go.

Seven months later, OP shared another update.

So, I'll just say it. I went to my brother's wedding, even though I said I wouldn't. The reason I went is because I wanted to see everyone one last time before I cut contact. It was a difficult day and a lot of people hated the fact that i came, especially the family of my brother's now wife. He came to me once everything was said and done and we had a talk.

I congratulated him and told him that I was happy for him but also that I didn't want to be a part of his life. To my surprise he looked pretty hurt but he accepted it. I'll be completely honest, once I left and drove home I broke down because no matter how bad things got I still had love for my brother. Yes, he was a massive prick but he is still my brother and for that fact alone I'll always have some love for him.

But that was it for this update. I just want this chapter to have an end so I can focus on myself, my husband and our happiness. I thank you all for the kind messages that I had gotten from you, thank you all very much. I hope everyone has a good day.

The internet was in OP's corner all the way.

oxiraneobx wrote:

Good for you. People have a right to be bigoted jerks, you have a right to not have anything to do with them. Being around positive people who love you for yourself is extremely important in life - best to you, OP.

OP responded:

Thank you very much! Best to you too!

Past_Pin3948 wrote:

I’m glad that you went for you, so that you could get closure. It is sad to think there are still so many people with this attitude towards others, but you’ve done the right thing to part ways with anyone who cannot be happy for you. I’m glad you still have a wonderful sister to support you, and I hope you and your husband have a lovely happy life together. x

steppedinhairball wrote:

It's tough but you don't have to put up with hate. It's ok to cut that cancer out of your life. I've got several gay cousins and I'm proud of how accepting my family is of them and their partners. There are a few that are not, but we don't talk about them or to them.

The most recent gay weddings I attended both rocked. Everyone had a great time. My one cousin and his husband were able to adopt last year. It's tiring but they are loving being parents are doing great.

unencumberedhairball wrote:

Sending you love. You were by far the biggest person here and your behavior is more than they deserve. I hope you can find family in new friends and people and have a beautiful life with your husband, far away from judgement. I’m proud of you.

Katlo1985 wrote:

I'm really glad you got some closure. I hope you and your husband live a healthy and happy life together. You absolutely deserve it ❤️✌️

Hopefully, in the future, OP only is invited to weddings hosted by accepting people.