'AITA for telling my dad to cherish his other son because he's only got one left.'

"AITAH for telling my dad to cherish his other son because he's the only one he has left"

Only_Wasabi7243 writes:

So, I'm a 17M, and I'm graduating high school this year. My parents divorced when I was just shy of 2—a long time ago. Dad remarried, Mom remarried (then divorced again, and now she's single). Dad had another son with his wife. His other son is 14.

My entire life, his other son has taken more importance. I was told that because I'm the older brother, I should be stronger and not make a big deal out of it. I was 9 years old, standing by the window, waiting for my dad to show up, just for him to call my mom and tell me he couldn't make it because his other son had a dentist appointment and was freaking out. It was literally just a check-up.

Yeah, sure, understandable—let me just go f*** myself. Stupid things like that happened. He ditched my sports games for random reasons, not even always because of my brother. He didn't come to my talent show when I was 15 because he didn’t want to.

That’s it. He didn’t want to. No plans, nothing else he had to be at, he just didn’t want to. I spent months learning guitar and a song to play for him since he loves guitar and loves that song. Oh well, let me go f*** myself again.

My parents don't have a good relationship, but my mom doesn’t keep him from me. I’ve heard their conversations; he just doesn’t want to be there. I don’t know. At one point, I asked my mom if he really was my dad, and she said yes, then asked why I was saying things like that.

I asked, "Why does he hate me, then?" It was an emotional moment, but it passed. That happened just before my 17th birthday, and since then, I've just kind of stayed in my lane.

If he reached out to me, I’d say hi, but I wouldn’t ask him anything. I wouldn’t hug him if I saw him, and I wouldn’t beg for time together. I guess I’ve become kind of indifferent. I’m not saying he was never in my life, but he was really only there for the moments that literally anyone else would call him a d%#k for if he wasn’t there—birthdays, short visits on Christmas, and when I had surgery as a kid, he was there for that.

Anything else, though, and he was busy like 70% of the time. Last week, he told me he regretted being so absent in my life. He said he had pre-planned a trip to drive me to college when I start. We’d leave immediately after my graduation and drive across the country. (INFO: I haven’t been accepted to any college yet, but I’ve spoken to the one I want to go to, which is in Washington, and it’s basically guaranteed with my grades).

I told him not to bother and that he should spend the summer with his son. I want to mention that I’ve never said no when he’s asked to hang out or talk on the phone. I always said yes, even when I didn’t want to, just to keep the peace and not cause issues. But as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a dad. I have a mother and a man who occasionally spares time for his other kid.

He didn’t like my reply and said I’m his son too. Lol, not gonna lie, I laughed and asked, "Since when?" We kind of fought after that and didn’t end on a good note. I told him I was planning on dropping contact when I turned 18 since he was probably going to do the same, so why bother keeping this relationship alive when he’s never wanted to know me and I stopped wanting him to.

He’s been trying to reach out, but I shut it down every time. He’s dropped by, but I don’t see him. He calls, and I decline. He messages, and I ignore. Yesterday, I messaged him:

"Hi Dad, please stop trying to talk to me. I truly want no relationship with you. You never wanted one with me, so I don’t see why you’re acting so hurt by this. I don’t know if you never gave a f*** about me because of your own hate for me or your wife who never let me come over.

I don’t know, and I don’t care. I realized I don’t have a dad a while ago and really accepted it recently. I’m not mad; I just don’t care. Keep the same energy now that you’ve had for the last decade and stay away from me. I hope your relationship with your son stays just as important to you because he’s your only kid. Have a good life."

Dad told my mom. My mom’s mad at me and told me I should give him a chance because he’s trying. She’s not wrong, and I do feel kind of bad because I could tell when he was describing our trip, he was excited. Oh well. I wanted a dad to be proud of my achievements and my grades, but instead, I got a "good job" card from a drugstore and an "I’m proud of you" text. Really sincere.

Mom’s still trying to guilt-trip me, and I’m starting to feel like I should just do the trip, then block his number when I’m at college. It’s another year of faking smiles with him, and I just don’t want to do that. It would be easier, though. I don’t know, am I a dick for all this?

OP then provided an update:

A lot of people told me to confront my mom about why she was pushing so hard, and I did. After a while, she gave in and told me we should ask my dad over. Twenty-five minutes later, we’re all sitting in my living room, and they tell me my dad has cancer. He won’t be getting through it, and he won’t be here for my 21st birthday, my college graduation, my wedding, or when I have kids.

It’s different when someone won’t be there but could be, as an absent parent is. Some of you suggested going no contact for a few years and reassessing later, but I can’t do that. People told me to ask myself if I’d miss him if he were gone, and I want a dad.

I don’t know what to say—who doesn’t want a father in their life? Yes, I seemed indifferent in my post, and I really felt that way, but f***, he’s not going to be here, so I don’t really get to take my time and go to therapy, which almost every single person suggested.

If I only get to have a dad for a year, then I’m taking it. I’m going on the trip with him. They made it very clear there’s a chance he won’t be here, and if that happens, he wants me to go with my mom. He’d planned for us to see the country, see where he grew up, and make memories together so I’d have something.

I know people will be mad about what I’m doing, and I’m sorry. Thank you for your advice and your personal stories to try to help me decide what I should do. Is he just doing this now to clear his conscience? Probably. I don’t care. He won’t get to see either of his kids grow up—I think that’s punishment enough.

Here are the top comments:

Muffin_Gem says:

It's completely alright that you've changed your mind after learning about your dad's illness. Your decision is a personal one, and it sounds like you're making the choice that feels right for you given the circumstances. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for prioritizing your relationship with your dad during this difficult time.

Emily_Power says:

That's heartbreaking, even though he was an absent, father he's still the only father you have and I completely understand why you would go on that trip and I really hope you enjoy your time with him. Anyone that is upset with your decision need to mind their own business, it's your life and your choice to have a relationship with your dad.

shellz_bellz says:

I know how you feel. I decided to go NC with my dad after years of neglect, but when I found out he’d had a heart attack, I started speaking to him again. It’s not because of the kind of people they are, it’s the kind of people we are. And when they pass, we won’t regret that last bit of time we had with them.

LiketoChillatHome says:

Don't bother with other people's opinion. You do what feels right for you. I am so sorry that your father is dying and it took that to make him appreciate you. Go and make some good memories, and be at peace.

What do you think?