'AITA for wanting my friends to exclude a couple that makes up rumors about me?'
"AITA for expecting my friends to exclude a couple"
Rude-Examination-636 writes:
I (34F) have been part of a lovely friend circle for a while. One of the guys in our group (let’s call him Anton) got a new girlfriend (let’s call her Molly). At first, everything seemed fine, but later, things got weird.
Apparently, Molly started believing I was trying to seduce Anton. This was completely untrue (actually, our friends tried to match us previously with no success). Everyone knows Molly has insecurities from past relationships and has projected similar suspicions onto many other women.
Things escalated when the rumor spread accusing me of being a nasty person, home wrecker, etc. The worst part was the conversation the couple decided to have with me when they felt that our friends started disliking this whole situation.
They sat me down and basically told me that I had been inappropriate, “seductive,” and I should stop. I was in shock, frozen, and couldn’t respond properly at the time. (Just a note, we are in a liberal European country and not some cult where women are not allowed to talk to men :D)
What confused and hurt me most is that Anton had been telling other friends that he didn’t think I had done anything wrong and that Molly was just having a hard time emotionally. But when we spoke directly, he sided with her completely. Later, he also changed the narrative for friends too, saying he needs to be supportive of his partner.
Since then, I haven’t felt safe around them. I freeze completely. They still show up to group events and act like everything is normal, but I don’t feel comfortable. I’ve kept my distance but haven’t made a big deal out of it. Still, I feel stuck—like I’m being forced to share space with people who blamed and shamed me unfairly and never took responsibility for it.
I know in theory it might help to talk to them to express how I feel, but I freeze and am not able to. I am realizing this was actually a traumatic experience, and now I have decided my priority is looking after my nervous system, avoiding them completely, and doing a variety of things to heal it.
I recently shared this with a few girlfriends in the circle, but my pain wasn’t really accepted. They dismissed it, saying I should just talk to them. They didn’t like the idea that in order to protect my healing, I will have to step down from anywhere they are attending. This puts people in an uncomfortable situation where they have to choose who to invite to their events.
I really do not understand how someone can be friends with people who did something so nasty. I wouldn’t stay in touch with someone who did something like this to my friend. At the same time, I am so close to many people in the circle. We have been through so much.
They are like family, and we have so many values and beliefs in common. So… AITA? Is my trauma making this look like a big deal, while in reality this is not an issue and I should just brush it off and be friends with everyone?
OP responded to some comments.
HoldFastO2 says:
NTA after the explanation in your edit. But IMO, this goes beyond asking who the AH is here. If two people talking nonsense at you is enough to traumatize you and make you feel unsafe in your friend group, you need therapy. That is not a proportional response.
OP responded:
There was quite a bit more to it actually, but here is a length limit. I am getting help with the trauma and other types of healing that is required here, which is part of the reason I need to step away.
Hidden_Vixen21 says:
Don’t avoid events. Molly will see that as a sign that she was right. You did nothing wrong. Their issues are not your responsibility. Go to the events. Have fun. Ignore them and do not engage with them.
OP responded:
I did this initially. but i have noticed that I can't have fun. I freeze. I am in a trauma response. I need to step away so i can heal it.