'I was accused of babytrapping my fiance when my tubes are tied.' MAJORLY UPDATED

Being accused of tricking or betraying someone close to you can hurt on multiple levels. It both reveals a lack of trust on their end, and shows a

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman shared how her fiance accused her of babytrapping him. She wrote:

"I (27F) was accused of babytrapping my 28M fiance when my tubes are tied."

I had an argument with my fiancé this morning. We've been dating for 2 years, engaged since September, and for the most part, everything has been going well. We've been planning a quiet backyard ceremony so that we can save up for a house instead, we've been communicative and managed to get through fights in the past, but this takes the cake.

He's been evasive for the past two weeks about the wedding or any future plans we've made, and I basically had to corner him this morning before leaving for work to ask him what's going on. Turns out, while he was dogsitting for his uncle early in February, they had a chat that stuck with him.

When they were talking about life and how things have been, his uncle admitted he resented his ex-wife for babytrapping him, and now he's divorced while his ex-wife is dating again and my fiance's cousin is an entitled a**hat who terrorized him when they were both teenagers. Turns out it's been sitting in his mind.

He says that he thinks I'm about to spring a pregnancy announcement on him and trap him in the marriage. This is despite the fact that he knows that I don't want kids. I basically raised my siblings and lost out on my childhood. I told him about not wanting kids when we first started dating.

We were both on the same page and I've asked him about getting a vasectomy in the past, which is why it surprising that he thinks that I'm trying to babytrap him. Thing is, the first chance I got (which still took a long time,) I got my tubes tied. I literally can't get pregnant. I reminded him of this fact, and that made him go really quiet.

He didn't even apologize or say anything, so I told him that if he's going to be like this over a made up issue in his head, I don't know how much I'd trust him in a real crisis. Now I'm wondering if I was too harsh and what steps we can take to move forward. Or if I'm the right amount of angry and I should just end it. I have no idea what to do right now???

People had a lot to say in response.

Cultural_Shape3518 wrote:

Is this the only time he’s pulled something like this, or does he have a history of being easily influenced by people he maybe shouldn’t be taking advice from, especially when that advice isn’t even applicable to his situation?

OP responded:

He sometimes gets influenced by things he sees online, it's why we avoid using apps like Facebook. But he rarely takes advice from his family, especially the uncle since they weren't that close before his divorce.

TeaLover315 wrote:

He says that he thinks I'm about to spring a pregnancy announcement on him and trap him in the marriage. I’m confused. You stated that this man intends on marrying you, right? You’re engaged? Baby trapping is when someone intentionally gets pregnant using methods like deception to keep their partner from leaving the relationship. Does he actually intend on marrying you?

I literally can't get pregnant. I reminded him of this fact, and that made him go really quiet. He didn't even apologize or say anything I would demand a response from him. His words and behavior are a red flag. I would postpone the wedding until the relationship is in a better place. Maybe this needs to be addressed with a counselor.

OP responded:

The only reason I didn't drag a response from him is that I would've been late for work and I have a meeting I couldn't miss. But if he doesn't have a response when I get home, I'm definitely going to call off the wedding, if not the relationship.

Radiant-Nobody6620 wrote:

His uncle sounds like a real winner. Misogyny at it's finest. Why is he afraid of getting trapped into marriage when he's literally planning a wedding with you? Like, the f**k? Marriage also isn't a trap, anyone can leave at any time, regardless of whether there's kids. And the fact that he forgot your tubes were tied. Is he dumb? You sound the right amount of angry to me.

Personally, I'd be hesitant to marry someone who was so easily swayed by his sexist uncle that you're somehow trying to trick him into a life of misery. On top of that, he's been dwelling on this for two weeks and never once communicated what was going on with him - he just completely checked out until you forced it out of him.

I'm not sure I'd want to marry anyone who a) thinks marriage is a trap for men and b) let his uncle convince him you're just like his ex-wife in one conversation. c) can't communicate or apologize. d) surrounds himself with such sh#$ty male role models and e) doesn't understand how tied tubes work.

OP responded:

I think this is exactly my problem. I don't know if he thinks I'd deliberately ruin my life to just to mess his up, or I've been lying since I met him. I don't want to make a knee-jerk decision, but I'm seriously reconsidering this relationship.

RaymondBeaumont wrote:

Based on how you've described him in some other comments. Is he mentally challenged in some way or what's the deal?

OP responded:

He's not. He's a smart guy but he's weak when it comes to social influence. At best, he's impressionable, at worst he can be somewhat spineless. I thought that he had improved a lot over the past couple years but I guess I was wrong. :/

A week later, OP shared an update.

It's been an exhausting week, both at home and work. Basically, we're not engaged anymore, he moving back to his parents, and our relationship is over while he works on for himself. He wasn't cheating nor was there a secret baby on the side. Half a yes to him having second thoughts, half yes to him being influenced by family and friends.

I won't go too much into the details, just that his uncle's family were always awful to him, they were always the go-to babysitters, and he has trouble standing up to that generation of his family, he's impressionable, and he has trouble separating fact from fiction because of that and them.

Another factor is that one of his formerly child-free friends announced his wife's pregnant during New Years, and he's been excited about it. My ex-fiance's wondering if he'd change his mind, especially since his parents do want to have grandchildren and have been asking if we're going to wait before having them.

After dogsitting for his uncle, apparently all that combined in his mind that I changed my mind and I'd surprise him about it. Which is the core of the matter for me. Whether he forgot I had my tubes tied doesn't matter.

He was projecting his fears, anxiety, and trauma onto me and punishing me for something that I didn't even do or say, and then made me out to be a deceptive partner because of that projection. He stopped trusting me because he was afraid of what the warped version he built up in his mind might do. That wasn't okay, and that's why I ended it.

He's been moving his stuff out all week and he told me he's going back into therapy. His parents will be there to help him, and they separately apologized to me; they had no idea how bad his anxiety is.

I'll be there to support him as a friend and I've been trying to say that it's on pause, but typing this out also makes me realize that no matter what, I wouldn't be able to win against those fears, nor can I trust him to ever really fully trust me against them. Assuming he ever did.

Thanks for your input, Reddit. Some of the thoughts did help me steer the conversation, but ultimately it still boiled down to a broken trust and I don't think we're coming back from that.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

reality_junkie_xo wrote:

I would just cut all contact with him once he's moved out. Don't stay on as his friend. That never works. He needs to deal with his issues on his own, and you deserve to be able to heal from this relationship and move on with your life.

OP responded:

Yeah I don't think I'll stay friends for long with him but a lot of our circles overlap and I don't want to lose friends over this yet.

wpnsc wrote:

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you now need to put yourself first. You can't support him anymore. Let his family do that. It would be best for you to cut all ties. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Bankzzz wrote:

If he was so easily swayed by someone else’s opinion then the relationship may not have been strong enough for marriage anyway. As sh#$ty as the situation is, it’s probably better this is out of the way now and not after you’ve gotten legally married.

Completely_Entry wrote:

Don't forget misogyny and general ugliness that his uncle force fed him during childhood that he internalized. That poison was always inside him, it just took this moment for it to seep out and become visible. Nuts to his "anxiety". He pulled an astoundingly stupid sh*tfit and now has to live with the consequences.

Sharp_Replacement789 wrote:

I feel the need to put my mother hat on. This young man isn't good enough to marry anyone right now....and most definitely not even close enough to deserve you. Use this time to pull away from him. He will be a hot mess for longer than you can imagine. Be thankful you saw this now, and not after a marriage. Enjoy this new time in life.

It sounds like OP is dodging a major bullet by not marrying him.