'AITA for just saying OK when my fiancé broke up with me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for just saying OK when my fiancé broke up with me?"

I (28) have been with my fiancé (Alex, 34) since 2020. We met at a friend’s party, hit it off, and have been together ever since. He finished his Doctorate in Economics just last year. Since then, he has been working at the university. I have my Master’s in Media Sciences and decided to start working instead of pursuing a PhD.

Okay... so the problem is that Alex broke up with me last Monday. It was literally so surreal and honestly... just weird. For the past few months, he’d been acting strange. He was making demands and then dropping them immediately.

A few examples: he told me we were going to paint our walls from dark green back to white. When I asked why, he just said, "For f%^@'s sake, forget it," and never brought it up again, even when I asked.

Another time, he came home and got mad because I was sitting on the couch with my head covered in a blanket (I had cramps). He was upset because I was “just sitting there watching Netflix” (mind you, the house was spotless). When I tried to talk about it, he said, “Forget it, it’s not a big deal.”

This kind of thing became common. Every time I tried to communicate... tried to figure out what was going on, whether it was something I did or if maybe he was just stressed at work... he would just say everything was fine, but he was clearly seething with rage. I didn’t even have to do anything; he would find something to complain about (the apartment, clothes, me, work, etc.).

So, I gave him space, which apparently was also wrong. I told him I was going to help my parents with repairs for a few days, and somehow that was wrong too, because he wanted to renovate the apartment as well.

Then, on Monday, I got a text saying we needed to talk. I knew what was coming, and after the last few months, I had made peace with it. When I came home, he was sitting on the couch. He didn’t even wait for me to take off my jacket before saying, "I want to break up." Then the verbal diarrhea started.

He told me he resented me. First, because I didn’t pursue my academic career further, even though I was capable, and he didn’t want to upset me at the time. Then, when I started making more money (since he didn’t make much as a PhD student), he felt like I should have the last word financially, and he hated it.

Mind you, I never said anything like “it’s my money, so I have the final say.” That’s a rule he imposed on himself, and he hated it. He said he hated our paint scheme, the couch, and even our f$&#i#g crockpot.

Then, he told me he had rejected a better PhD program to stay here because I had already started my job by the time he got the acceptance letters. Only, he never told me he had even applied overseas. He said a few months ago, he checked in with a friend who’s in that program, saw how they were thriving, and decided I had ruined his life.

He said I had too much control over his life and that he hated the idea that I could just decide not to pay for things and “f%^k him over” (I honestly don’t even know what that means). He also said he hated that all his friends loved me and didn’t let him vent about me.

Then he said again, “I’m done.” I was floored. I had already made peace with the idea that we were ending, and it hurt, but after that rant, I was just disgusted. I looked at him, probably with a disgusted expression, and said, "Okay."

He lost it. He said this is exactly what he meant... that it was horrible. We had been together for four years, and all I had to say was “okay” to our breakup? I just asked if he wanted to stay here while he figured out where to go. He said, “Typical, of course, you’re holding the apartment over me,” and started ranting again, so I just left.

I told my parents, and they’re also confused. My dad suggested I reach out to our landlord and explain the situation to see what options I have. I can keep paying the rent no problem myself. He covered the utilities and some subscriptions.

Just to reiterate, I never had a problem with this. I saw that he was chasing his dream, and that was more important to me than a 50/50 financial split. I make good money and am happy at my job. I never saw it as “slaving away.”

I always had the mentality that my money was our money because we were building a life together. Of course, I had my own savings and fun money, but I honestly never cared. As long as I felt he was working towards something and wasn’t taking advantage of me, I was fine with it. More than fine.

Alex is still mad. He’s going between texting me like a robot about the logistics of the split to being a seething a%^#ole, complaining about everything. I’m not even hurt anymore. I just feel nauseated by him at this point. I don’t know. Should I have reacted differently?

Edit: Thank you for all your opinions! It was nice to get this off my chest, lol.

Just to clarify, tho. I don't feel like a victim. I feel like something happened, and my relationship just turned bad. He behaved like an asshole but that is the extent of it. Very clearly, something is going on. But he doesn't want me to be part of whatever it is, and I have to respect that.

Now I just have to detangle myself legally from him, and after that, I'll just be left alone with my ugly green wall color. I think I might also adopt a cat as my ex was really allergic.

OP responded to some of the top rated comments.

dan1987te says:

Dude basically hates himself for decisions he took without ever consulting you. He chose his comforts but now since others seem in a better position he is venting on you and making you the culprit. NTA but your man has a little brain and doesn't know what to do with it.

OP responded:

I would have supported im if he wanted to move away. Idk if we would have stayed together because LDR's are hard, but i would have been 100% supportive.

RantyMcThrowaway says:

NTA. Dude basically said he hates you and everything about you. What are you supposed to do, beg for his love when you can find someone who'll give it to you readily? Nah.

Sorry this happened and that you were blindsided, but this will be a good thing in the long run. Onto the next. FWIW he sounds jealous, insecure and emotionally stunted. If what you've written is how things played out then you dodged a huge bullet.

OP responded:

He was basically doing his own renditions of "10 things I hate about you". I don't know... I mean he wants to break up with me, why would I plead? It is done.

A month later, the OP returned with an update:

To start, Alex moved out pretty quickly after the breakup. He has been staying with a friend, and we sorted out everything like mail, subscriptions, and the lease. I’m also in the process of adopting a cat. Her name is Luna, but I have been thinking about changing it since my family already has two pets named Luna, a Moon, and Qamar.

She is still at her foster home for now, but I have visited her a few times, and I already adore her. She is a scrappy little tabby who follows her foster mom around like a shadow, and I can’t wait for her to move in during the first week of December.

I’ve already gotten her bowls, toys, and a bed by the window ready. Now onto what happened. Last week, I was out showing someone around the city. He is the son of my parents’ friends who recently moved here for work.

My parents asked me to help him get familiar with the area, so I agreed. It was nothing special, just walking around, grabbing coffee, and pointing out useful spots in the city. Apparently, Alex saw us.

I didn’t even realize he was there, but later that night, I started getting texts from an unknown number. I guess he got a new number since I blocked his old one. The texts were just weird.

He accused me of flaunting my “new relationship” in public, said I must have been seeing this guy before we broke up, and told me that everything he suspected about me was true.

I didn’t respond. I wasn’t going to entertain his paranoia. The messages kept coming though. They went from angry to desperate, with him saying things like, “At least admit you were lying to me,” and, “Was anything about us even real?” It was exhausting and honestly a little scary to see how quickly he spiraled.

For the record, this guy isn’t my boyfriend. He’s not even someone I’m interested in. He’s just the son of family friends who needed help settling into the city. The whole thing was completely innocent, but Alex has twisted it into some kind of betrayal in his head.

What gets me is how little Alex seems to know me. I’m not the type of person to jump into a relationship so soon after everything that happened. Even if I were, it wouldn’t be any of his business. We are done. I’ve made that clear.

After I didn’t respond to his texts, Alex started calling. I didn’t pick up, but the voicemails were a mix of angry rants and desperate pleas. I ended up blocking his new number too. It feels ridiculous that I have to keep doing this, but I guess this is where we are now.

Then this weekend, I went out to a bar with my friends. A few hours in, guess who walked in? Alex. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or if he followed me there, but as soon as he spotted me, he came straight over.

He was clearly upset, asking to talk, and I told him no. My friends stepped in, and thankfully, he left without causing a scene, but it ruined my night. It felt like I couldn’t escape him, no matter where I went or what I did. When I got home later that night, I was completely drained. I had just started to relax when I heard a knock on my door. It was Alex, standing there in tears.

He started crying, saying he missed me, that he didn’t understand why I was “doing this to him,” and that he didn’t know how to move on. It was like all the anger from earlier had been replaced with this desperate sadness. I didn’t let him in. I told him he needed to leave, and if he didn’t, I would call someone to make him leave. He begged me to listen, but I just closed the door.

I spent the rest of the night feeling shaken and honestly a little scared. I don’t know what he’s going through. I wrote his best friend about the situation but the plea of talking to him. He said he would.

I’m seriously considering getting a new phone number and possibly even talking to someone about how to handle this legally if it keeps happening. It feels unfair that I have to go to these lengths just to have some peace, but I don’t see another option.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

Caspian4136

I think keep track of every call, text and VM, collect a "paper trail" in case you need to go the legal route. Maybe get an additional lock on your door just in case. He's obviously unstable and has been for a while. Just focus on yourself and your new chapter in life, don't feed into his crap.

Solraay-xWest

You’re handling this really well setting boundaries is hard but necessary. Stay firm, and don’t hesitate to involve legal help if it keeps up.

anothertypicalcmmnt

"Once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern." - I can't imagine that he just happened to see you when you were out in the city twice. Definitely get prepared in case you need to file a restraining order and take legal action.

Be sure to practice good safety like locking doors and windows. Maybe even preemptively tell whoever works the front desk or whatever at work to not let him in if he comes to your work place? Hopefully overtime he will come to see that this relationship is completely over, and he will stop bothering you.

imnotpaulyd_ipromise

I would tell him that if he keeps coming over like that you won’t let him in and you will call the cops. Also hopefully he will lose interest and stop getting new numbers to harass you pretty soon. And most importantly: congrats on the cat! That is great place to invest your energy and help get this creep out of your mental space.

3 days later OP came back with this "final update":

Thanks for the concern and support I’ve received. I’m fine. Really. A lot of people suggested things like getting a restraining order, but I just want to clarify that it’s not as simple as walking into an office and asking for one.

The process involves proving there’s an immediate danger to your safety, providing evidence like texts, calls, or witnesses, and then attending court to get approval. It’s not something you can do lightly or without solid proof.

I’ve also seen people diagnosing Alex with various mental health issues, and I want to ask everyone to stop. Yes, something is clearly wrong, but I’m not a doctor, and neither are most of you. It’s not fair or helpful to label him with something like bipolar disorder or anything else without real expertise.

For what it’s worth, I don’t actually feel like I’m in danger. In the past month, these were the only three incidents that happened. I don’t think he’s actively stalking me so much as he just knew my patterns.

The bar we were at is my favorite spot, and it was a party of one of my closest friends, so it makes sense that he might have guessed I’d be there. when he showed up at my apartment, he knows what time I usually get home. The city tour is the only thing that might have been more intentional, but it could also have been a coincidence that triggered everything.

Anyway, this is the end of it. Yesterday, Alex came over with his mom and one of his friends. At first, I didn’t want to let him in, but he promised me that this would be the last time I ever saw him. I agreed, mostly because his mom and friend were there, and I figured it would be more awkward to argue on my doorstep.

When we sat down, Alex admitted that he was going through a crisis. He told me he was mad at me, but he didn’t know why. He said he doesn’t like me, that I annoy him, but that he weirdly still loves me, which is why he went crazy when he saw me with someone else. He assured me there wasn’t anyone else on his end either.

He said he felt like he was going insane. He talked about how he feels judged for being older and not being able to give me the life he thinks I deserve. He said he hates his colleagues, hates his job, hates everything right now, and that everyone and everything annoys him.

He told me he feels old and like he should want kids at this point in his life, but he doesn’t, and that thought terrifies him. He said he just wants to be alone and not talk to anyone for a while.

I didn’t say much. I mostly just nodded because I didn’t know what to say.

After he was done, he told me he was leaving. He’s on some kind of mental health leave from work, and he said he’s leaving the country on Sunday. He’s going to South America to spend time in nature and “find himself.” He thanked me for everything and said he was sorry for how he acted. Then he just got up, grabbed the few things he had left at my place, and walked out.

His mom was inconsolable. She kept apologizing to me over and over, saying how embarrassed she was by his behavior. I told her it was okay and that she didn’t need to apologize for him. She cried a lot, and his friend ended up driving her home after Alex left.

I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. Part of me is relieved that it’s over. Part of me feels sad for him because he clearly doesn’t know how to deal with everything he’s feeling. Mostly, though, I just feel tired. I’m glad he’s taking steps to figure himself out, but it’s not my responsibility anymore.