'AITA for not buying gifts for my husband because he refuses to admit that he's picky?'
"AITA for refusing to buy my husband anymore gifts?"
throwaway_newlyhitch writes:
I (35f) have been with my husband, James (39m), for 12 years, and we have this argument like clockwork every single birthday and Christmas. But I've had enough. I hate surprises, and I hate surprise gifts even more because I lived in clutter with my parents.
Being forced to keep a present to avoid offending someone bothers me because then I grapple with frustration, guilt, and general annoyance since there's now a thing taking up space that I don't know what to do with.
James, on the other hand, loves surprise gifts, but he is super picky. He does this thing where he will tell someone, "Oh, I'm alright with anything!" but when he gets that "anything," he will make some remark about how he actually wanted XYZ.
This dampens the mood and makes him sound so childishly ungrateful. It drives me mad because the most hypocritical thing is that if I do that to him (i.e., say, "Oh, I actually wanted XYZ"), he'll get upset and say that I should be grateful.
For example, he bought me a dress he thought I'd like for my birthday, despite me telling him over and over again how much I would have liked a specific pair of earrings. I gave a weak thanks, and he was sulky all evening, especially when my friends bought me something else off my wish list, and I was so happy.
And it's not about the price either because the things he surprises me with are always either more expensive or around the same price as what I actually asked for. Now, I've tried my hardest to figure out what he'd like, but I always somehow miss the mark.
For instance, one year I managed to force him to tell me that he'd like "any (keyword there) Apple product," but when I got him a new iPad to replace his old one, he said that he'd actually prefer AirPods. I returned the iPad, and he got upset.
Another year, he told me he wanted jogging socks from a specific brand, but when he got them, he said that he actually wanted another variant of it. Another year, he kept talking about a specific type of wallet for six months straight—sending me posts about it, reviews, whatever—and I got it for him, thinking I'd cracked the code.
You know what he said? If you guessed, "Actually, I wanted something else," then you are absolutely correct. Rinse and repeat. This year, I tried to ask him again to at least give me a hint to work with, and he playfully told me to surprise him.
Years of pent-up frustration got the best of me, and I told him that he's an ungrateful child and I will NOT be surprising him. If he wasn't going to tell me, then he gets nothing. I also told him to stop surprising me with stuff I don't even want because he's a hypocrite whose feelings will get hurt if I don't fall to my knees thanking him (I exaggerate) for something I don't want.
I'm done coddling him over gifts because it's stupid and causing undue stress to me. As per usual, he's gone off to sulk, and I feel terrible for lashing out at him. AITA?
Here are OP's responses to the top rated comments.
Infamous_Channel2910 says:
Give him cash.
OP responded:
I thought that would be a reasonable middle ground. But nope, he says its so impersonal
Goddess_of_Bees says:
Have you two talked about this? So you've been married for over a decade, have had this pattern repeat over and over and over.. you have very clear reasons why you don't want surprises, he has them for wanting them, and yet somehow, you haven't worked it out?
Either you always play good weather and never told him how you felt about gifts, or asked him straight up. I'm not talking hinting at what you want, I'm saying sitting down and discussing the whole concept of gift-giving, why it stresses you out, why you feel like he's disappointing you ánd why you feel like you're disappointing him. And try to find an adult solution. Or, you did have this conversation and he's a massive a$#&ole?
OP responded:
Oh, we recently got married, but have been together for over a decade (not sure if that clarifies, but I figured I'd just put it out there). But yes. I explained in another comment that I've given him more context on why I dislike surprise gifts (i.e., the clutter thing), why it's difficult to get him gifts when there's nothing to go on, how its disappointing when he doesn't even thank the giver (inc myself) and say "actually...".
We've had these kinds of 'let me explain' type of talks on other things and we've found a reasonable compromise, but this concept of gift-giving is something he just would not let up. I'm completely baffled and so frustrated. I've asked him directly why won't he tell me, and he really has no answer except that he likes surprises.