'AITA for not closing my marriage because my wife is done having her fun and wants babies?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to close our marriage for the sake of our children?"
WhatIfsForever writes:
I (27M) would say I'm a bit of an awkward guy. I think my outward appearance can be deceiving on that front. I do well in situations where there are well-established rules, like in work and business-related interactions. When it comes to romance, I feel like I fall a little flat. I talk too long about things someone might not care about on a first meeting, I ask too many questions, etc.
My wife (28F) has been interested in opening up our relationship for a while. I was never against the idea, but she continually said she wanted me to try looking as well. I was happy just letting her have her own fun, but she said she only wanted to open things up if I was going out and meeting people too.
And I did—meet someone, that is. He (31M) is so... everything. He's witty and so smart. He's got this biting sense of humor that I'm genuinely obsessed with. He's quiet and deliberate with his actions, and I'm just really overjoyed with the fact that I finally feel understood by someone.
He seems to actually enjoy intimacy with me (in new, inventive ways that I didn’t even consider a possibility six months ago), but more than that, he seems to actually enjoy being with me—getting to know me as a person.
My wife was having fun. I've gotten a lot of fulfillment out of this and gained a lot of confidence. That’s why it was such a shock to me when she came to me and said she wanted to close our marriage again.
She said this was a temporary arrangement and that she wanted to get serious about having children soon. Every time I think about agreeing to that, it feels like I’m losing something really important—like I’m shutting down this significant piece of myself. I eventually told her no, I’m not interested in closing our relationship. Now, she’s accusing me of being selfish and not caring about our future children. AITA?
OP posted an update about a week later.
The last few days have been really emotionally exhausting. The first question I had to sit with was not whether I’d be happier in a relationship with my new partner. It was: Would I be happier without my wife?
I never wanted to go into this conversation with him feeling like this was a one-or-the-other situation. Talking to him without a decision made would feel disingenuous. It would be a d&#k move to everyone involved—like if he said no, then I had my wife waiting in the wings.
To me, that would mean neither relationship really mattered to me—I just wanted to be with someone. In my mind, there were only two options for how things would go when we spoke: I would either be ending things with him for my marriage, or I would be ending things with my wife. There was no taking a leap of faith and then crawling back to her with my tail between my legs.
The conclusion I came to is that I’m just not fulfilled in my marriage. I’m also having these complicated feelings—kind of cycling between anger at her for opening our marriage at all and pulling me out of my comfort zone, while also feeling so grateful for what it’s taught me.
A common theme in the comments on my last post was: “Once the door has been opened, it can’t be closed.” And that’s true. I can’t go back to not knowing how it felt to be understood and listened to. I can’t unknow this feeling of trust. So I told her that I’m unhappy and that I’m going to be looking into separation options.
I had a conversation with my guy, and it went really well. I was just open and honest with him about how I feel—that he gives me things I’ve never had and never knew I could have. He said some really sweet things that are just for me and not for the internet.
There’s no well-rounded end to this story yet. I have a lot more conversations to have. There’s also so much more I want to say—so many emotions that I’d like to put into words—but this is already very long. I just wanted to come on and give a little update for those of you who were wondering.
Here are the top rated comments.
iciclestake says:
Sounds like your wife wanted to have fun without being labeled a cheater, so she convinced you to open the marriage but didn’t expect you to find more fulfillment than she did. If you are happier with your other partner, choose him—because if you were truly happy with your wife, none of this would have happened in the first place.
SituationSad4304 says:
What was your wife’s reaction? I always wonder what the partner who asks for this really thinks the outcome will be when it seem clear from the outside it’s always a selfish “I want more attention from other people” that turns into “wait I’m jealous my partner is getting fulfillment from someone besides me.”
OP responded:
It wasn’t a positive reaction. Lots of talking about how I made a commitment to her, and that I was throwing that away for someone else. I just kept reiterating that it wasn’t about him, it was about me. How I feel and how she makes me feel. That still hasn’t gotten through to her.
brideofgibbs says:
Excellent news! And I think it is a realistic well-rounded ending to a real life story. Unlike fiction, life doesn’t end with a marriage. Your first marriage is ending because you’ve grown out of it. It worked for you until it didn’t. Now your life story continues. Enjoy your new guy.