'AITA for not hosting Thanksgiving because of my MIL's 'honest' feelings about me?'
"AITA for not hosting Thanksgiving because of something my MIL said to me?"
fhxueduedidiw writes:
My partner and I have been dating for a few years and have lived together for two. When I first met his mom, I was very nervous and wanted her to like me. I learned some customs that show respect and followed them.
I cooked meals from scratch for her that she loved. Holidays were hosted in our home. I would cook for days and serve the whole family, making sure every detail was perfect. Holidays were lovely. I never had times like that with my own family and was grateful to the point of tearing up many times (not in front of my partner's family).
My partner and I have a business that takes up much of our time, and we hadn’t seen his mother much lately, so I planned a day to pick her up, take her to a local coffee shop she enjoys, and then to lunch.
As soon as she saw me, she immediately commented that I had lost weight and complimented me multiple times, then asked to take selfies with me so she could post them on Facebook because I looked so pretty. I have had issues with eating disorders in the past, so the comments did make me feel weird. But I knew she was trying to compliment me, so I didn’t say anything.
We went to lunch, and she wanted to take more selfies and was again complimenting my looks. She said, “You were okay before but too overweight.” I don’t know why this hurt me, but it did. I blinked back tears, and the food came.
I couldn’t eat it and found myself pushing food around and only taking some bites of dry salad. My partner and his mom ate, either not noticing that I wasn’t really eating or choosing not to comment on it.
I did not want to cause a scene because, again, I knew she was trying to say something nice, but she is very blunt. She is not aware that I used to starve myself, and she probably wouldn’t have said it if she did.
After lunch, she needed to go to the restroom, so I helped her (she’s in her 80s and uses a cane but needs to be steadied). While she was washing her hands, she told me, “You know, I never liked you, but you’re okay now.”
That did it. I couldn’t hide the hurt anymore. I teared up and stammered awkwardly that her son would be right back to help her walk to the table. I went to the table and quietly told my partner I would take an Uber home, that I was upset about something his mom said, but I would see him at home. His mom tried to call me, but I decided not to answer.
I guess the reason I’m feeling so upset is that I’m feeling like I’m only worth something if I’m thinner. I also thought she always liked me. She acted like she did. Now it all feels fake. I don’t want to host Thanksgiving anymore.
Why should I kill myself cooking for days for someone who only really liked me when I lost a few pounds? My partner thinks I’m overreacting and misunderstood her. He said it’s normal for MILs to not like DILs at first because we “take away their sons.” But I didn’t take him away. He is the one who hasn’t made an effort to spend much time with her. Every time we have seen her is because I organized it.
But she’s old, she’s a blunt Asian mom, and she doesn’t know I had eating disorders. So, am I the a^%$ole for wanting to cancel Thanksgiving? Should I just forgive her and suck it up so the family has a nice Thanksgiving together? Am I being a huge baby?
OP responded to some top comments:
Turbulent_Ebb5669 says:
Oh, she's one of those. And tell your partner it's NOT normal for MILS to not like DILS, while it happens it's not as common as people think.
OP responded:
I just wish she would have only said she liked me. I don’t understand why it was necessary to include the first part. She said she was just being honest when my partner questioned her.
winterworld561 says:
No she was being cruel. She knew those words would hurt you. That fact that she hasn't apologized means she knows exactly what she did and doesn't care. I actually think that she does know about about your past eating disorder and that your partner has told her. Explains why she kept making comments about your weight. Step back and don't do anything anymore.
OP responded:
I actually thought about that too, I’m going to ask my partner when he wakes up if he told her about my past issues.