'I’m skipping my dad's wedding despite him saying my attendance is non-negotiable." UPDATED 3X

"I’ve decided not to attend my father's wedding despite him saying me and my daughters attendance is non negotiable."

My (25f) father (45m) and my mother (40f) got divorced around two years ago. To me, it wasn’t a surprise at all. I had seen it coming since I was 10yrs old. However to my father and my brother (17m) it was a total and devastating shock. My brother, who already had a myriad of other mental health and school issues, didn’t take it well. And my father was blindsided.

Now, two years later him and my mother are both in new relationships. My father met a woman (we’ll call her Amy) on a dating website months after the separation with my mother. She had no children of her own and her husband had passed, I’m unsure of how long ago. At first they seemed like a good fit. She was a bit odd, but honestly everyone in my family is so I didn’t think much of it.

At first she was polite and seemed interested in getting to know my brother, I, and my daughter (4f). But over time things became a bit off. Due to medical issues she had to move in with my father and brother so they were able to help her out and it quickly became clear that she did not care about my brother.

She was rude, inconsiderate, demeaning, and did her best to play him down as a priority to my father. I.e she was to be my fathers main priority. It’s her way or no way. Anything she did to my brother that my brother then relayed to our father she denied and accused my brother of being a liar. She has also trashed the family home, leaving my brother to either live with the mess or have to clean it himself.

Due to this, I’ve never liked her, but have always played civil for my dad's sake while being honest about how I felt with my brother. Now Amy and my father are getting married next week. I do not drive (my own fault) and have apologized to my father frequently for being a burden. As he is adamant me and my daughter be there and has tried to find someone to drive us.

Supposedly my aunt had been assigned this task. However, two days ago, my husband received a call from my aunt's husband, expressing that he believed it was unsafe for my daughter to attend (the wedding is on a bridge.) I found this odd as him and my aunt are still bringing all four of their children (ages 4-12) and especially because he told my husband not to tell me he called.

But I didn’t think much of it as I had faith in my aunt's husband to be someone of good faith. That has all been blown out of the water. My brother has texted me multiple times late at night to tell me he’s been listening in on Amy and my father’s arguments. Amy is nearly adamant on my daughter not attending and is saying all these issues are my fault for not driving.

I knew this would cause issues which is why I had repeatedly apologized to my father for being a burden. My brother then told me my aunt was throwing a fit and angry about being assigned to drive my daughter and I. That she didn’t want to bring my daughter either and instead wanted to bring another family member we’ll call Sarah. Sarah is older and lives alone.

Sarah spends tons of money on my aunt and my aunt knows this, mooching off her as much as she can. Sarah had offered to pay for a hotel room for my aunt and her family (the wedding is an hour from where we all live.) It is 100% my aunt's business on who she wants to drive, I won’t sleight her for that.

But the fact she had her husband call mine in an odd attempt to convince me not to bring my daughter just rubbed me the wrong way. My aunt then texted me this morning saying she won’t drive my daughter and I said that’s fine and told her not to worry about it, I’d figure it out myself. She was clearly mad and told me I better text my dad and my grandparents as everyone was all worked up by the situation.

My husband and my mother are now telling me I just shouldn’t go, and I agree with them. At this point it feels like I’m a burden and that if my daughter and I do attend it will just be awkward as there’s a whole group now working against my daughter attending when they know my father said her attendance is non negotiable. As my daughter's mother, everyone's adamant on her not being there really bothers me.

That on top of how my brother has been treated throughout all of this and his own feelings he has expressed to me this whole wedding feels like a terrible idea. On top of all this I am currently 32w pregnant with my second daughter, and the constant back and forth fighting and clear ulterior motives has had me worked up for days at this point.

I love my dad, I want to support him and I want him to be happy. I don’t think Amy will give him that. And I can’t in good faith support this especially when I’ve expressed my brothers happiness is my main priority and he is FAR from happy. My brother has also said if me and my daughter do not attend he will not be attending either.

I feel terrible, and am sitting here drafting a text to tell him I won’t be coming, but a small part of me feels as if I’m in the wrong and I can’t shake it.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit: To add because a lot of people keep mentioning it. The man I call my father is my step father. My bio dad has never been in my life and my step dad raised me. So I’ve always called him dad. I didn’t know my step dad wasn’t my real dad till I was 9. So no, my step dad did not get my 15 year old mother pregnant when he was 20. My mom had me at 16 with my bio father who was also 16/17 at the time.

Edit 2: Yes my husband knows how to drive. However the wedding falls on a day he just can’t call out of work. As well, he was not particularly eager about the wedding from the moment they announced it. Husband and my father have terrible history and he doesn’t like Amy at all for how she’s behaved since they got together.

The internet did not hold back.

miyuki_m wrote:

Why would anyone think you'd actually want to participate in such a s-t show? Tell your brother to start recording the way Amy treats him. If it's not legal in your state to record without her knowledge, tell him to do it openly. She'll either give him evidence of her behavior or she'll shut up. Don't go. You're not a f-ing poodle and he doesn't own you.

You don't support the marriage, so just stay home and put your feet up. Your father is letting this woman treat your brother like shit. He shouldn't be marrying her at all, much less demanding your presence at the wedding. Your father is about to lose both of his children over this woman. You don't have to subject yourself to going to the wedding and witnessing his downfall.

OP responded:

100%. It’s most likely I will be staying home and bringing my brother to my house so we both can avoid all the drama.

Fire_or_water_kai wrote:

Don't go. The way all these people are behaving is atrocious, and I wouldn't subject myself to it. But, since they want the drama, give it to them in the form of telling your dad that you're sorry you won't attend because of his wife, aunt, and everyone who has tried to single out your child. Also, being heavily pregnant means you're not up to a lot anyways.

On a side note, why can't your husband drive you around? Doesn't change my answer, because honestly, your dad can't tell you that you must attend something. It's not court, but just a curiosity.

OP responded:

My husband recently got promoted to manager of the shop he works for as the owner is gone in another country for a few months. The day the wedding falls on is just not a day he can miss work. As well my husband and father have a terrible relationship.

I got kicked out at 18 by my mom and when they couldn’t figure out where I was my father threatened to kill my husband (bf at the time.) we also had a rough patch where I almost moved back home but my father said my husband was not allowed to see our daughter. So he wasn’t very eager to attend the wedding either.

aquarius_oracle wrote:

I just have to ask? Is your husband a different ethnicity? Is your daughter mixed? Just wondering if that’s the reason Amy is adamant your daughter not attend. I’ve seen previous stories where someone didn’t want their child to attend weddings because they were mixed or because they had a disability. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, I’d go NC.

OP responded:

Nope. We are both white in an all white family. My parents had a vendetta against my husband since we met at 15. Everyone loves my daughter (or so they say) which is what makes this situation all the more strange. From what I gathered from my brother Amy considers my daughter too much of a hassle for the wedding. She’s 1 of 8 kids between the ages of 4 & 12 that would be attending.

WielderofAphorisms wrote:

You’re pregnant, have a child and do not drive. Your father is marrying someone who is awful to your brother. Your aunt lied and manipulated the situation to her advantage and put you at odds with everyone.

Don’t go. They will be drama no matter what. Better to deal with it at a distance surrounded by the family you chose and hopefully I’m comfortable clothes. May your birth be smooth and easy. Congrats on the new baby.

Dachshundsmom5 wrote:

Why would you go to a wedding when your Dad is marrying Lady Tremaine and you know you're not wanted?

OP responded:

Exactly what I’m thinking. From the sounds of it the only person who cares if we are there is my dad. Mainly wanted second opinions because I know the moment I text my dad it’s gonna set off a whole other wave of drama.

Laughingfoxcreates wrote:

Amy finna push your girl off the bridge…

OP responded:

That gave me a good laugh. Amy has generally been great with my daughter, this is the first time she’s expressed issues with her. I think the idea of the bridge being “unsafe” was just a way for my aunt and her husband to convince me not to bring my daughter without just bluntly telling me not to bring her.

Months later, OP shared an update.

It’s been a few months, but even recently I’ve gotten comments for an update on the situation. There isn’t too much to update on but I figured I would for those curious. In the end, neither me or my brother ended up attending the wedding. He went to his girlfriends the day of and then stayed home alone the rest of the weekend.

I had invited him to stay at my house but in the end he declined. I sent my dad a text beforehand that I was sorry and wanted him to be happy but if I was backing anyone it would be my brother. He proceeded to send me a very long paragraph about how he couldn’t believe what was happening and he really stepped up to be my dad even though I wasn’t his kid.

How he stepped up for my brother after my mom left when I know well and good he didn’t. And that Amy was the right woman for him despite everything. I was too stunned about his comments about him stepping up to be my dad that I kinda glazed over the rest and in the end never replied.

As for me and my dad we have not spoken since other then me awkwardly texting him happy birthday. I haven’t seen them or spoken to them. I haven’t spoken to any of his family since then either. I’ve seen my brother a few times but he doesn’t seem eager to talk to me or see me either and I’m unsure why. I’ve since had my second daughter. Everything went smoothly and she is perfectly healthy.

Neither my dad or his family has even texted me since, even though I know they know I had her. At the end of the day I’m ultimately unphased. However I can’t deny it’s upsetting to lose contact with so much family over something so trivial. I won’t be reaching out first to any of them, and knowing how they are they won’t reach out to me either. So I guess that’s that.

I’m hoping can try and better connect with my brother. As he means a lot to me and I worry about him still living at home with our dad and his new wife. But when I do see him I ask him how home life is and he kinda just shrugs me off. Thank you to everyone who gave advice on my original post and to all those who were curious about how it all ended.

Commenters were happy to hear from OP again.

notsoreligiousnow wrote:

Focus on your little family. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that your dad and/or his side got into his head and said stuff about your alleged true parentage. If that’s the case then focus on your own well being and that of your kids. Family consists of those who choose to be in your life willingly and who bring positivity and joy. Everyone else can see themselves out. Best wishes to you and your little family OP!

DaniMW wrote:

Yep - that kind of threat doesn’t work in this context.

‘Jenny’s presence is non negotiable’ is something you say if someone else involved in the wedding tries to ban Jenny for some reason.

But you can’t tell Jenny that she must attend and has no choice…unless she’s 3years old and literally has to go wherever her parents take her, then Jenny absolutely has a choice.

Beautiful-Scale2046 wrote:

What was the reason they didn't want your daughter there? What was her fault?

OP responded:

I never got an answer for this. I have no clue what the issue was.

sorry_ad-24 wrote:

When I was a kid my step grandmother would tell me multiple times that even though I wasn’t her real granddaughter, she still thought of me as such. As I grew into my teens my mind set became that if she really thought of me as her granddaughter she would not keep reminding me I was not really her blood.

Unless you brought up him not being you real dad and that was your reason for not going than did he deep down ever really think of you as his daughter if that was the first reason he brought up about you not going. I hope not for you sake if you had a good relationship with him before his new bride.

OP responded:

I didn’t bring up how he wasn’t my bio dad as I’ve told him many times in the past to me he’s my dad cause my bio dad is a POS and I saw him as my dad since I was 2yrs old. Which was why it was weird. It seems like he was throwing taking care of me and my brother in our faces.