'AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?' + UPDATE
"AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?"
Sweet-Syrup-9739
My (30M) wife (34F) and I have been together for 8 years, 5 of them married. I thought we were the kind of couple that could tell each other any problem. I loved her deeply and always believed she felt the same way about me. Like many couples, we had our ups and downs, but I never thought it could lead to infidelity.
4 months ago, I started noticing changes in her behavior. She was more distant, always glued to the phone and avoiding our conversations, you know the typical thing about a cheating person.
Well one day, I came across a message on her phone that confirmed what I feared the most: she was seeing someone else. It was like a punch in the stomach. I felt anger, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of betrayal.
But instead of confronting her right away, I decided to wait. My main reason was to protect myself in a possible divorce. If I was going to face this situation, I wanted to have solid evidence, so I spent the next two months gathering messages, photos, and anything else I could use if things got legally difficult.
During those two months, I pretended normality while the pain piled up. I watched her act like everything was fine, and with each passing day, my feelings for her faded.
The love I once felt was replaced by indifference. If anyone says that love for someone doesn't go away, well, it's not entirely true. When I finally gathered all the evidence, I confronted her.
I showed her everything I knew, and although she tried to deny it at first, she finally admitted that she had been having an affair. She said it was a mistake, that she still loved me, and that she wanted to work things out.
But by then, I didn't feel anything anymore. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't even get angry. I simply told her that it was okay, that we could get a divorce, and that we could each move on with our lives.
My lack of emotion baffled her. She said my indifference was cold and cruel, and that if I had truly loved her, I should have fought to save our marriage, which was ironic coming from her.
But the truth was that I did love her, very much. Only after two months of living with the betrayal in silence, I just didn't care. AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
TheRealOneMexicanTwo
NTA, remember this "The only reason she's sorry is because she got caught."
WhichMain7073
Ironic she wants to fight for the marriage after getting with other people for months.
1indaT
NTA. The indifference you are feeling g is probably a defense mechanism. Don't be surprised if you have a lot of different emotions. Good luck, op.
wellearnednihilism
NTA. You’re not the asshole for becoming emotionally detached after discovering your wife’s affair. Your feelings are a natural response to a profound betrayal of trust. While your wife may have hoped for a different reaction, you’re not obligated to fight for a relationship that she damaged through infidelity.
Your decision to protect yourself legally was prudent. Moving forward, focus on healing and what’s best for you. Consider seeking counseling to process your emotions and the end of your marriage in a healthy way.
WhereWeretheAdults
NTAH. Ouch, that hurts. You caught her, she's losing her safety net so she's lashing out. She tried all of the standard excuses. Then she tried to flip the script by claiming you never loved her. Good on your for getting everything lined up before confronting her.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
Sweet-Syrup-9739
Hi everyone, for those of you who don't know, I'm the guy whose wife cheated on him with someone else and he became indifferent. I'm doing this mini update because many of you asked me to give one.
But I'm lazy today, so don't expect a long one. Well, for starters, the divorce is in progress. The notice was delivered to her at one of her friends' houses, since the house we live in is mine, from my mother's side.
Moving on to the divorce, she didn't take it well and called me to tell me that she would contest it, that we weren't getting a divorce. I didn't say anything, I just hung up because it bothered me to hear her voice at that moment.
I read comments that say indifference is a way to protect yourself from strong emotions, and they were right. After a couple of days, I started thinking about the time invested in my marriage and I really got angry.
For her, eight years of relationship was nothing to open her legs to another jerk. For those curious, her lover is someone older, maybe 40 or 47, and he has a wife and kid. I don't care if the idiot has a heart attack or something; my soon-to-be ex and that guy are just trash that came out of the same landfill.
Sorry, I was getting angry as I was writing, so I took some time to calm down. Back to my soon-to-be ex, I really don't care if she decides to contest the divorce; she's just making things harder for herself, since all of our assets are separate, including the house where I live.
For the moment, that's all I can share with you. Thanks for your advice, and to all of you who commented that I should work things out with her, screw you. You don't decide for others, you just show that you have problems. I'd rather divorce a thousand times than stay with a traitor with no morals.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ArtisticRiskNew1212
Tell the wife of her lover.
NTA still, good luck on your divorce. She’s a cheating POS.
LandofDonkey
NTA – indifference is the ultimate power move. She made her choice, and now you’re making yours, with a coolness that probably stings more than any argument would. Contesting a divorce from a house she doesn’t own? That’s next-level denial right there. Keep calm and let her handle the consequences of her own choices.
tinysydneh
"we weren't getting a divorce."
I don't think she gets to make that choice anymore.
boomboomman12
I'm always baffled by people, especially the cheaters, telling or asking the victim to save the marriage. If they cared about the marriage so much, why are they risking killing it in the first place?
dryadduinath
I love that she thinks contesting the divorce means “we’re not getting divorced” especially after she admitted to cheating. Does she think a judge is going to give OP a stern lecture about loving and cherishing his wife faithfully as long as they both live?