Wife draws a line with cop husband's female coworker, a self-described 'homewrecker.' AITA + UPDATE
"Am I being insecure or am I justified over my husband’s female coworker? I don't know what to do."
My husband (27M) and I (28F) have been having the same argument over his female coworker for 7 months. We’ve been married for 5 years, together 10 (high school sweethearts). We absolutely adore each other and are each other’s best friend.
We’ve grown together over the years, especially since we got together young. No children and we don’t want any. We love hanging with friends, but we are totally content just doing something together or a spontaneous trip.
I should say my husband has never cheated or given me a reason to think that. He’s oblivious to his effect on women. They always drool over him. He’s 6’6, fit, & handsome. So yes, I’m always a little insecure.
This is more so about the coworker I don’t trust than it is about him. Granted he didn’t shut her down when she was flirting with him, but he’s also the oblivious type of dude who thinks everyone is just being nice. I don't know how to feel about that. But after I expressed concern, he distanced himself from her…mostly.
Anyway, I’ve set very clear boundaries that my husband repeated back to me so i knew he understood. One of those being he cannot be alone with this coworker. Ever. It seems strict, but it’s important to note this RAT already slept with someone at his job that she KNEW was married.
I’ll never respect a homewrecker. Some of our arguments he has said that my boundaries are controlling. That gives me the ick…what do y'all think? My husband has broken this boundary twice now.
The most recent being today. The first time was a few months ago. They both go to the same Brazilian Jui-Jitzu gym. It’s almost always a group of people so no big deal for me.
Well this instance he went with his friend and no one else showed up besides her. My husband’s friend leaves because his wife also doesn’t like this coworker and pretty much has the same boundary.
So my husband decided to stay because and I quote “I already drove all the way out here and wanted to make it worth my while.” The gym is 25 minutes from our house. So I blew up because my boundary was clear.
Thinking about how he was just in the gym with her doing BJJ stuff alone pissed me off. He tells me there’s cameras. I don’t give a single eff because that wasn’t the point. The boundary was clear. He apologizes and says he should’ve just left and he’s sorry he didn’t. Again, we reiterate the boundary, no time alone.
Fast forward to today. They have a gym at work so he usually works out before going into work. He tells me “fyi she showed up at the gym after I got there. There was no interaction besides hi and bye. I left after 20 minutes of her getting there.”
One thing to note about my husband is that he holds integrity as his number one trait so I have no reason to ever think he’s lying about this kind of stuff. He’s always honest, even if he knows I’ll be pissed. So he tells me that and of course I’m angry.
I basically say what part of no alone time is unclear? He tells me he shortened his workout and left, but i expected him to finish his set and leave. Especially after he agreed to that after the BJJ thing happened. He then tells me he’s tired of being made to feel guilty when he’s doing nothing wrong.
I emphasized it’s not the point. It’s him disrespecting me and my boundaries. Ladies you know this type of female. They “only” get along with the guys and claim they don’t fit in with girls. They flirt with anyone that will talk to them. Etc. she’s not a girls' girl.
So chat…am I being dramatic or what? There’s a lot more background to this, but this is the biggest issue. They used to meet up a lot while working to talk about “work” but I shut that down. But now they spend 20-40 minutes on the phone at night when working too.
That also pissed me off since that doesn’t happen with ANYONE else he works with. He said he would keep the conversations short going forward. But just so you have an idea.
I don’t think they’re sleeping together or anything but I just don’t want to be disrespected while I’m at home and he’s not making it CRYSTAL CLEAR like god damn deer park that he’s not interested in her. He can’t be friends with these types of females. They don’t know what that is. They’ll do anything for attention.
I don't know what to do at this point. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of talking about her. I’m tired of the anxiety. He says he only cares about me and she’s irrelevant, but why don’t I feel like that’s the case?
ETA:
The phone calls are at night when they are WORKING. He works night shift. No calls are done when he’s at home with me.
ETA 2:
They are cops that work night shift. Communication is extremely important, as well as trusting your partner. I still think they can have that without being friends at work.
Not sure if that changes y'all's opinions. And yes, he does like attention and being noticed. But when I said he’s oblivious, I mean when we’re together he treats me like I'm the only one in the room….
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
Well, she's not irrelevant because he constantly breaks your boundaries for her.
He’s just trying to workout though. Having to modify his life for another person is weird and unnecessary. I would only set that boundary if something had actually happened between them.
Historical_Radish703 (OP)
He never did anything. But she flirted with him for months before it came to my attention.
Can you clarify what you mean by “she flirted with him for months”… who told you? Your husband? I think your husband should be the one creating the boundaries, not you. He is the one that can navigate how much contact he has with her, if any, and keep it professional.
The fact that he isn’t makes me think he loves the attention. He loves you being jealous. It’s a major ego boost. I would stop verbalizing your boundaries and state plainly “these are my boundaries, and if they are broken again, I will be forced to leave” Men don’t respond to words, they respond to actions. If you show him you’re willing to walk, I bet he will quickly realize what he is about to lose.
Historical_Radish703 (OP)
My husband told me she flirted with him after i saw some overly friendly messages from her. He then told me he would make a better effort at disengaging with her. We then settled on work related only convos.
He does like attention. His love language is words of affirmation 100%. As far as his boundaries with her…it got to that point after a huge argument we had. I demanded he tell her they will only be professional relationship moving forward.
She cried like a baby over it because she’d no longer get his attention….3 weeks later they were back to their friendly selves because my husband didn’t feel right about it. He felt bad for her. & I’m like EFF her. What about me? Who is more important here? He said I’m the only one that matters. At this point i feel lien i have to choose if im going to continue to fight this battle or let it go.
So where do things stand right now? Since he acknowledged that your feelings should be the priority, has he taken action to reestablish strictly professional boundaries with her?
Historical_Radish703 (OP)
The long phone calls are no longer happening. He doesn’t text her unless it’s work related. They still see each other at BJJ. I feel like I’m asking him to give up his work friendship, which i KNOW isn’t fair. Don’t come for me people. I know it’s toxic. I just don’t like it. I’m not the only wife that has an issue with her. She’s made it known she likes married men and a “challenge”. Ew.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I talked to him yesterday and it went really well. Thank you for all the neutral party insight from y'all. It really helped me keep my cool and actually explain how hurt this entire situation made me for the last 7 months.
I started by saying it may feel like I’m bringing up old stuff, but it was important to get to the root of the issue. I told him i learned the difference between a boundary and a rule.
I apologized for trying to control him and his behavior. I told him he would do whatever he was gonna do regardless of whatever rules i made. I acknowledged that he probably would feel resentment towards me if I kept it up and let him know I would not be doing that anymore.
If you want to cheat, you will. That would be reflective of your character not mine. I learned that I was trying to control scenarios that I wouldn’t be present at because I was insecure and told him I would be working on that.
I explained the BJJ thing hurt me because he made a choice to stay 1) knowing it would hurt me and 2) didn’t think to leave when his friend did. This helped me realize that it wasn’t so much that he was alone at the work gym the other day with her, but that he made the CHOICE to stay knowing it would upset me.
He said he absolutely agrees that the BJJ thing was wrong and that it didn’t feel right to him that he stayed. He wanted to give his perspective on the choice and said it wasn’t him choosing to hurt me, rather he was choosing himself because he just wanted to workout.
Fitness is important to him. He apologized for hurting me and appreciated that I recognize it would be really difficult for him to just leave the work gym when he only wants to workout, especially if she showed up 5 minutes after he got there. He said he will continue to only speak to her when necessary or for work.
Now for the big stuff. I told him the underlying issue still exists and this is why this has dragged on for 7 months….he has an attachment to her, whether he’s in denial about it or not, because he cannot treat her in a strictly professional manner like his buddy does (whose wife also has the issue with her).
My support was the phone calls, the going back to his ways after she cried when the boundary was originally set by him, and the extra attention. I almost broke when I told him that I was most hurt by being put second to her when I am his wife and partner for 10 years.
I said I will never be made to feel that way again. It was absolutely effed up to see him feel bad for HER and be so bothered by setting a boundary. He finally acknowledged that they were work friends when before he would deflect whenever I asked him why he couldn’t treat her like his buddy does, strictly professional.
He is sorry for putting me through that and now could see how awful this was. I told him if I’m ever put second again, I will leave. Aren’t y'all proud? I made a REAL boundary. Thanks for that.
I think he finally realized what pain this has caused me and was really able to empathize. He struggles with empathy so this is big. I’m really proud of how I explained things this time.
I’m usually so angry or my brain is working faster than my mouth, but I was calm and collected. He was teary eyed the entire time we talked. He’s someone that bottles up emotions.
Remember when I said I suggested a break before i posted on Reddit? Well that really upset him and he couldn’t eat at all until after we talked and went to dinner. My man, that eats around the clock, was so riddled with stress over this he didn’t eat for over 24 hours.
He was fully expecting me to leave this weekend and stay with my family. He was shocked I was ready to talk and spoke in the calmly manner I did and said he was proud/impressed.
I asked him if he’s ready or if he thinks he can only be professional with her and no longer friends. He said he absolutely is because I am his priority and he’s sorry for making me feel otherwise.
He will be resetting the professional only boundaries when he goes back to work. He agrees that at this point, friendship with her is out of the question. He did start off by saying she calls and is friendly with everyone else on the shift. I shut that down immediately and said I don’t care what she’s doing with other people. This is about our marriage only and the wedge she is driving.
I suggested he seek out therapy to figure out why he was seeking external validation from someone other than me. Jury is still out on if he will since he has bad experiences with solo therapy. He promises at a minimum he will self-reflect on that with external resources.
I feel so much better. We were so drained after, but the stress and anxiety dissipated so quickly after we were done. He says she isn’t worth ruining our marriage and i fully believe he will do what’s needed. My husband is my soul mate and I’ve never questioned otherwise❤️
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
This all sounds really positive, and I sincerely hope this is the start of you having an even stronger relationship with him. Super congratulations for sticking to your guns and staying so focused with your points.
It’s definitely something to continue. You’ve set boundaries, so now it’s up to him to make sure he doesn’t trample on them, especially as he knows exactly what you’ll do if he does. I look forward to hearing how it’s going in the future.
I hope he actually nips this pending emotional affair for good but him making himself her de facto mentor and having nightly calls makes me think any change won’t be lasting, sorry to say. Is all that falling under his “professional boundary?”
Historical_Radish703 (OP)
Yes. Phone calls are short & to the point. He cuts her off if she deviates from topic. No meet ups. No special attention. No unnecessary alone time.
I think it's really good that you told him you will leave it it happens again since you're right.... you can't control what he will do. Did he give you any assurances? Ways to prove he's limiting his interactions?
Historical_Radish703 (OP)
He’s willing to go back to daily reports if i want them, but i don’t. I’m tired of thinking about it. I will continue to check the phone records and texts periodically until i feel necessary.
It's called an emotional affair. Yes I said it. To help better understand this I recommend a book. By Dr Kathy Nickerson. The Courage to stay. It really helps to understand everything and break it down and make marriages better. Make changes fully before things go down a bad road.
He isn't going to stop. He is just going to hide it from you. He already tried to rationalize it to you by saying she calls everyone on the shift. That was right after he said he understands. He didn't eat because he thought you were going to stay elsewhere this weekend but you didn't so he thinks he's won.
He thinks you won't leave so he is free to continue his emotional affair with her. He hasn't cared about your feelings for the past 7 months so it's hard to believe he magically does now.
I'm sorry his coworker's wife has a better husband than you do, one who actually keeps his word and leaves when that woman is around. He respects his wife. Your husband only cares about what he wants. Not wasting the drive to the gym was more important than you. His coworker did not care about the wasted drive because he cares about his wife's feelings.