Estranged dad’s gay wedding support shocks son, sparks uncomfortable competition from mom. AITA?
"AITA for inviting both of my parents to my wedding?"
So I 32(M) recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years 36(M) and we are currently in the phase of not only moving in together, but planning our wedding. Of course, one of the first things I wanted to get a handle on besides a venue is who was coming.
A little backstory, I was raised by my mother 60(F) while my father 65(M) supported from afar. They were divorced and If I remember correctly this happened shortly after I was born. I asked if it was because of me, but both my parents clarified they simply had fallen out of love and they didn't want to be together anymore.
Simple, but just for a deeper dive. My mother is a fancy Baptist woman cares about appearances, but is not shallow she would give you the dress off her back and the purse she just bought if it would help.
A very all around kind and caring woman, my father is very similar in that he cars a lot about others but he's more of the go with the flow type as well as Atheist. A very Type A married to Type B situation.
I have a very good relationship with my Mother as she was there for every important thing in my life. As for my father he had a very bad habit of either missing or being late in my childhood events but got better at making my milestones as i grew up. We don't have the best relationship but he is trying and that's what i appreciate.
Back to the story I of course told my mother I was engaged and she wasn't thrilled but she was happy that i was happy. I told her that i really wanted her to be at the wedding and would appreciate it if for this one event she could put her religion aside.
She told me that while she supported me and wished for my happiness that she had to hold on to her faith and would likely not be attending. I was sad, but i knew that was more than likely the answer I was going to receive.
So I swallowed my grief and went on to contact my father. I expected some kind of excuse or a 100 questions about how I ended up marrying another man (I didn't know he knew I was Bi) but to my shock he was thrilled, he asked me if I needed anything help planning decorations or a place to throw the wedding.
I was kind of baffled by how excited he was to hear I was getting married. Regardless I told him we didn't have a date I was just asking around who would like to come as we didn't have the biggest budget.
He understood and asked me to reach out to him if I ever needed anything to help with the wedding. After the call I was, at least for the first time I can recall very proud to call him my father. We chatted on and off about some ideas plans where I could get things for cheaper and even family members who could pitch in.
Sometime later I was talking to my mother about the wedding planning, which she honestly wasn't listening to me. That was until I said I couldn't wait to see what my father came up with for wedding games.
I swear you could have heard the record needle scratch for miles as my mother suddenly gave me her full attention. "Your father?" She asked me as I suddenly had the feeling I had done something wrong.
I responded yes, and told her about how my father and I had been wedding planning together even figuring out a later date to go try on tuxes. She didn't respond for a moment before asking me why I invited my father given every event of my life he's missed. I think my response triggered something in her because I told her. I wanted a parent at my wedding and you said you didn't want to go, so I asked him.
She suddenly straightened up and began asking about flowers and colors, everything that I was trying to talk to her before was suddenly important. I didn't clock it at first, I was just excited she was showing interest and that she would be attending.
Now i've been speaking with both my parents who are enthusiastic for my wedding. I thought all was well until i started getting calls from them asking if the other had input on something the other had said and what it was, or how much they were helping with certain parts of the wedding and it quickly began to spiral out of control to them both trying to outdo each other for my wedding.
I expressed this to my sister 41(F) she and I do not share a father but we share a mother. Who told me it was kind of an A-hole move to invite my father just to get my mother to go, and now I'm complaining about their input.
I expressed to her that was not my intent and I just wanted a parent at my wedding, I didn't expect them to try to out do each other like this. She replied that while she understood that I just wanted a parent I had to have known that once mom learned that my father was going she wasn't going to be out done by him and that this was a foreseeable out come of inviting both. So AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
What does she think you are, a mind reader??
I would be pissed off that your mother would rather do all of this stuff now, not for you, but to try and outdo someone she hasn't had interaction with for decades. While, you have been with her for decades and she wouldn't come, let alone, support your gay marriage. What type of person does that to their child. Just sad for you to have seen the true colors of your mother now. So sorry for you.
IMO....everything that she is doing is to spite your Father not out of love for you, and while yes it is beneficial to you at this time they are making your wedding about them and not you and your fiance. As ugly and messy as my parents divorce was they came together for my wedding...Updateme
If it came down to only one going, I prefer Dad.
Your mom said no. For hateful reasons. You’re allowed to reach out to the not-hateful parent. Your sister is wrong. Your mother is wrong. The reason your mom is now involved is seven kinds of wrong. Weird how her “faith” didn’t get moved aside to support her child.
But it SURE did when it looked like the other parent would make her look as small and hateful as she is. I’d reevaluate your opinion of your mom. Your sister is straight trash.
NTA! Your mother only wants to go because your father is. She doesn’t care about you or your wedding. She wants to show what a good and supportive mother she is. I’d tell she’s longer welcome. That your dad has stepped up and she can stay home and pray that day.
I’d hire security for your wedding. If you decide you want them both there, I’d tell them whoever makes a scene or causes drama or says one unkind word to the other will be removed and you’ll go NC.