Parents enforce 'no-cheaters policy' for Christmas dinner, leaving daughter feeling unsupported. AITA?
"AITA for inviting our oldest daughter over for Christmas eve dinner with the stipulation that her cheating boyfriend can't join?"
I'm 56 (F) my husband is 60 (M), our oldest daughter is 30 (F), our son is 28 (M) and our younger daughter is 26 (F). For privacys sake we'll call our oldest daughter Kate, our son Sam and our younger daughter Mary.
We'll call Kate's boyfriend James. So Kate has been with James for almost 3 years. They currently live together. We always had family get togethers during holidays and he attended along with Kate. He always seemed very kind, polite, mature and down to earth.
His family is very nice too. He and Kate seemed so happy and seemed to click so well. From what she shared, they had excellent communication and never fought and we're even discussing marriage. About 7 months ago Kate told me he had her ring finger measured at the jewelry store and she was so excited! So we're we!
Unfortunately 4 months ago, I found out from a friend's daughter that he was having an online affair (long story). The family informed Kate, she apparently confronted James and he broke down crying and gave her all the details.
From what Kate shared, he gave her full disclosure, did not blame her for anything, took ownership and he is currently getting individual counseling. He wants to work through it as does she. They're still together.
She told me he's going above and beyond for her to make it up to her. I cautioned her in case he does it again. She told me he promised her he wouldn't and apparently can't believe himself why he even did it in the first place. He reached out to me and my husband and apologized to us. He was in tears.
With Christmas Eve coming up our usual family holiday dinner is approaching. It'll be me, my husband, Sam, his girlfriend, Mary, her husband, and hopefully Kate. I invited Kate but told her that this year we can't invite James. She seemed very upset.
Apparently the past two months they've been rebuilding things, went out on a romantic getaway, James is still getting counseling, gives her undivided attention and support.
She said he acknowledged that it'll take a long time for trust to build back up. She told me if she attends without him this year she'll feel like a third wheel among all the couples there.
She said by not inviting him this year it feels like her family isn't willing to give him another chance like she is. I'm not sure what to do at this point! I've spoken to everyone else and they're all on board with not inviting him. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
INFO: Why didn't you invite James?
I understand he cheated on your daughter, that's not the answer I'm looking for. My question is what is the reason you didn't invite James and how do you expect it to play out?
I'm going to go with a different reason for YTA. Not inviting him alienates her. That means when she next needs support, she won't turn to you. I'm making the assumption that he's not abusive but I'm going to use abuse as an example.
When you have a child or friend who is in an abusive relationship, you may wish to put your foot down and say "either you leave that person or I can't be there for you." It could be for your own boundaries but frequently it's to try to get the person to see they're losing others and to leave the abuser.
But it doesn't work that way. Usually, that kind of action serves to further isolate the person being abused, which is what an abuser wants anyway. Basically, it removes alternative viewpoints from the person's world.
YTA - You need to be in your daughter’s corner right now. I’ve been through this with someone very close. Her partner cheated on her, in a way that went beyond online, and while we had disdain for the broken trust and betrayal, and made it clear that we did not expect her to just forgive him.
Ultimately she is the one who was most hurt by this, and she gets to choose how to move forward. She chose to forgive him. It took a lot of time to build that trust back up, we obviously couldn’t just forget what he’d done. Neither could she.
But if she felt ready to bring him to family gatherings again, we would do our best to respect that and show her that we were in her corner no matter what and trusted her judgement.
What does excluding him achieve, really? It makes it harder for Kate to attend because she'll feel conflicted about going without him, she feels unsupported re her relationship and her choices...I get why you don't want him around, but I think you're just going to push Kate away here.
YTA - boy oh boy has my family disliked some of my family member’s boyfriends. They were always welcome with open arms on holidays, because the holiday is about family. Not necessarily “accepting” their boyfriends, but showing that even with a terrible boyfriend, the family member is still welcome. If that makes sense.
Some of these events even helped everyone form interventions, like, “Hey we all noticed Jess was a jerk to you when you spilled the soda, are they always like that? Let’s talk about it.”
Now, we are old. Everyone married good people, so it all worked out. Sometimes we gossip about the bad ones “hey remember Jess, yikes!” One day your daughters ex will be a joke, “dodged a bullet with that one!” And you can all have a laugh about how much he sucked.
YTA. They are trying their very best to make this work and it sounds like the bf is doing sufficient to make your daughter happy and things are looking up for them. Why on earth would you want to exclude him? The only person who bestows forgiveness is your daughter and she has done this. Its nothing to do with you! That should be the end of it.
All you are doing by excluding him is ruining their Christmas, putting additional strain/stress on your daughter and her bf and getting to feel all holier than thou! Show some faith in your daughter as well as some Christmas spirit, please.