'I think I just dumped my boyfriend because he proposed.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I think I just dumped my boyfriend because he proposed. What now?"
Today is mine and my boyfriend's second anniversary, though the first 6+ months of this we were friends with benefits so I don't think it counts, but he does. I don't talk to my parents. Haven't said a word to them since I was 16.
I don't want to put the reason here but it was bad enough that me never speaking to them again could be seen as them getting off lightly. I left home at 18 by marrying my best friend.
He knew what was happening the whole time and wanted to help me, and it was bad enough that marriage was the best escape plan I had. It was the only way to avoid being dragged back home (I'd tried running away before this), but we divorced 5 years later (we were both having issues with student finance so we needed to go through it as married).
I took his surname to avoid being tied to my parents and my friend and I are still close. He actually set me up with my current boyfriend. My mum contacted me right before Christmas. I'd deleted my old facebook, and then made a new one back in November, and forgot about the privacy settings until mum messaged.
She was asking if her and dad could see me on Christmas day. My boyfriend saw the message and asked who it was. I admitted she was my mother. This lead to questions, as the only time I'd talked about my parents was to say I don't speak to them.
I said that she found me, but I wasn't going to reply. I said I have my reasons which I'm not ready to tell yet, but I would as soon as I was ready. He said that was good enough for him. I blocked her and moved on.
It's been a few months, and I've been trying to tell him, but it's hard. It's like every time I try I just can't get the words out. And then tonight, on our second anniversary, he proposed. Using my nan's ring. Which my parents have.
I asked where he got it and he told me he'd gone to see my parents. He got mum's name when she messaged me, contacted her and went to see her within a few days of me getting that message, the whole time knowing that I didn't want to hear from her. He'd asked them for permission to marry me, and they'd given him nan's ring because nan always meant for me to have it.
I don't know if I actually dumped him. I definitely told him to leave. But I didn't actually break up with him. He's at his sister's place right now and keeps calling/texting me, wanting to know what he did and asking me to call him, and his sister, who I'm friends with, is also asking what's happened.
I knew he was traditional, and he put a lot of stock into family, which is why he was so close with his family, but he knew I didn't speak to mine and never pried into it, just took me at my word when I said I'd tell him when I was ready, and when I said that he'd said that he was patient and could wait as long as I needed.
When I was in therapy my therapist used to make me write stuff down or draw pictures or basically just put my feelings somewhere to get it out, so that's what I'm doing now. I wasn't even sure I was going to post this but right now I'm just so lost and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I go from here.
I love him, but this is honestly the only thing like this that I've ever asked of him. 6 hours ago I could see a future here, but now the last few months, this proposal, and any future proposal, all feel tainted somehow. I love my nan but knowing he asked my parents for permission and knowing how he got nan's ring just makes me feel sick.
Edit: He gave me his reasoning through messages and voicemails. His stance is that there's an importance to the tradition, and family is important, and there's mentions of my parents meeting our kids one day and dad walking me down the aisle at our wedding.
He seems to think the whole thing's fixable and it sounds like they gave him some fake story about them grounding me so I ran away or something equally minor on their part and drastic on mine.
He's also said that they seemed like nice people and if he'd gotten a bad feeling when he was messaging my mum he would never have gone to meet them. From what he's said they asked about me, specifically what I do and my workplace, and he's given them this information, but no means of contacting me directly.
I don't know what to do. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need a third party to give me advice, and that would normally be a therapist or something but it's the middle of the night and I stopped going to therapy years ago so can someone just please tell me what to do? Put things in perspective? Give me advice?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
There was a OP like this a couple of years ago but from the other side, where a bloke done something similar and made contact with his wife’s family, and his wife basically left him. And he was writing in asking how to fix it - because he had a wonderful very close-knit family - and naïvely thought that this was something that could be fixed, and that he could fix it.
Of course it’s up to you. In the end your gut will tell you the right response. A number of people here have quite reasonably said that this would be a complete dealbreaker. It was certainly extremely thoughtless of him. I think if you just let him know exactly how badly he screwed up here, then his response to that will tell you whether or not it’s worth trying to salvage this relationship. In your heart, can you trust him again?
There’s paternalistic, “I know best,” aspect to this that squicks me right out. That take a TON of nerve: to contact family you haven’t spoken to in ten years and act as though it’s all hunky-dorey. The future is him forcing you to do things you don’t want to do, being controlled, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. Just no.
I’m very surprised he went out of his way to even contact your parents after you told him that you haven’t spoken to them in almost 10 years. To me, that shows a breach of trust. Maybe talk to him and see why he decided to do this, but in the end, it’s up to you if you’re comfortable with a man who basically went behind your back, no matter how good his intentions.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So here's where I'm at. I read every comment/PM/chat and decided I had to tell him, if for no other reason than to make sure he knew why I was/am so upset about this. I talked to my ex husband (25) about it, because he was there for the whole thing and watched it happen in real time and he said he would be there for me and talk if I couldn't.
My ex husband was not happy with my boyfriend, to say the least, and told me that my boyfriend had actually asked him what happened about 6 months ago, but my ex husband had said it was up to me to tell him when I was ready, and my boyfriend had said that was fair enough and he'd wait for me to tell him.
Ex husband hadn't told me any of this because I'd only just asked my boyfriend to move in and he didn't want to undercut my happiness, which he has apologised for and said he won't do that again (as in he won't keep things from me to protect me).
So boyfriend comes over, ex husband is already there, boyfriend asks why ex husband is here. I say I invited him for emotional support when I tell him everything. Boyfriend isn't happy but sits down. I then began to tell him.
The first thing I said was what they did in the bluntest language possible (as in "my dad ___ and my mum ___"). I started to elaborate when boyfriend interrupts and says something like "they told me you'd lie".
Ex husband tells him to watch how he's speaking to me and boyfriend says he'll speak to me how he likes and then tells me that he knew the truth, and implies I should be thanking him for sticking around.
The "truth" appears to be my parents telling him that I was always unstable, refused to see a mental health professional, and eventually they caught me breaking the law and rather than report me they grounded me, and I ran away rather than get grounded, all of which is absurd and I honestly can't believe that he bought it.
Ex husband tells boyfriend, or rather, ex boyfriend, that he has half an hour to pack his stuff and leave, and if he speaks to me at all his time straight goes to 0. Ex boyfriend packs his stuff and leaves silently.
So to recap: he knew that 1) I've not spoken to my parents in a decade, 2) I got married at 16 and took my husband's surname to escape/hide from them, 3) it was bad enough that I still have nightmares over it, and 4) I'd tell him when I was ready.
Within a few days of hearing point 4 he sought out my parents and asked permission to marry me based on his own gut feeling about them (because the vibe he got from their texts was a far better judge of character than my 16 years with them /s). They fed him lies about me, which he bought and he gave them information which includes my full name, job field, place of work, and possibly the address of our flat.
While they have not done anything with this information yet (that I know of), my ex boyfriend has stayed in touch this whole time, so if he messages them saying I broke up with him they might decide to pay me a visit now there's no longer a man in the house. My ex husband has offered to stay with me temporarily. I don't know if I have grounds for an RO but it might be time to look for a new place.
So yeah, sorry for how dramatic this whole thing sounds. I just wanted to post an update because I got a lot of good advice on the first post and I want to thank everyone who responded. Situation is now resolved, though it isn't exactly the happiest ending and there's still stuff to work out, but this part is over at least. Thanks again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Looks like you dodged a bullet with your ex, really nasty peice of work.
Make sure you are safe, can you move?
throwaway2908313 (OP)
Given what's going on in the world right now it's not going to be as easy as it would normally. My ex husband has said he'll stay with me as long as I need, and has said I can move in with him if they do have my address, but I'm probably going to need a new place anyway.
I just don’t get the ex boyfriend. If he believed the parents why would he stay with her? If I genuinely thought someone would make up lies about their parents being abusive, were mentally unstable and refused psychiatric assistance I would be out the door so fast.