'AITA for wanting my dress back from my sister even though she got married in it?' UPDATED

"AITA for keeping my dress even though my sister got married wearing it?"

Between work and family commitments, my boyfriend and I attend a lot of events which require dressing up. I have this one dress that I really like and I'm able to wear it to basically anything, which is this blue off the shoulder dress.

It's nothing special, but it fits me really well, and it's right on the line between formal and casual, which basically means I can wear it to anything, and it's super comfy, so therefore it has become my go-to dress for most occasions.

My boyfriend bought it for me and it's not particularly sentimental or expensive (checked with boyfriend and it was £140 and on sale which isn't petty change to anyone in this scenario, but my sister doesn't know the cost and I thought it was like £50 or something), but it's just a really lovely dress.

My sister asked to borrow the dress a little over a week ago. She said that she and her fiance were going to a wedding and she needed something to wear. I've let her borrow dresses before and I've always gotten them back, so I didn't see the harm in lending it to her. She said she'd have it back ASAP.

Later that day my parents and I get a videochat request from my sister. She's getting married. Her fiance's brother is holding the phone. I still don't have all the details, but it sounds like it was meant to be someone else's wedding, they called it off, and my sister and her fiance decided to use the wedding. My sister keeps talking about paperwork, so I don't think they signed a certificate, but they had a ceremony.

After the ceremony my parents invited everyone over the next day for a "reception". My sister and her husband are currently living with our parents. On arrival, mum handed me the dress in case she forgot later. I put it in the car and the night continued without mention of it.

The next day I wake up to about a dozen missed calls and even more texts from my sister, asking if mum gave me "my dress", by which I mean my sister was saying "my dress" like it's hers. I say that yes, mum gave me "my" dress back. Sister loses her sh!t. Says mum didn't check with her first, it's her wedding dress, and she wanted to keep it. I say she didn't ask, she says that she just assumed, I say it's my dress.

My sister says that's not fair as she didn't get the big white dress she'd dreamed of, and I shouldn't have assumed I'd be getting it back after she got married in it, then she asks me to give it to her as a wedding gift. I say no.

She says it's not that expensive, I have loads of dresses (4 or 5 for formal occasions and a few sundresses) while she only has one plain black dress, I won't miss this one, but I say it's my dress and I really like it, so I want to keep it.

My mum, sister, and brother in law all feel that as the dress now holds sentimental value to my sister I should give her my dress, and when I said that I wanted to keep it they got mad at me and said that I'm being unreasonable and basically being a total b-word. Dad and my boyfriend are mostly on my side, but even then they're not 100% sure. Am I TA for wanting to keep it?

Info to clarify: it sounds like they were attending someone else's wedding (one of the husband's relatives) then the bride and groom backed out and my sister and her now-husband decided to not let the wedding go to waste, and got married instead of them. I don't know the specifics or how they went from guests to bride and groom, but I'm fairly confident my sister didn't intend to get married in my dress.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Darth_GlowWorm said:

NTA. No one made your sister get married in your dress. You gave it to her under the pretense that she would wear it to someone else’s wedding. Your sister should’ve thought twice about wearing someone else’s clothes to get married in if she wanted to keep them forever. She needs to grow up and stop being so entitled.

littleteacup1976 said:

NTA at all. If i was your sister i would offer to buy you the same dress or something. Not assume it would be given to me

OP responded:

I'm not even sure she could replace it. She and her husband are unemployed right now and I went to look up the dress on the website of the shop we got it from, but I can't find it. It's a few years old so I'm wondering if they stopped selling it now.

terrapharma said:

NTA. Your sister impulsively gets "married" while wearing a borrowed dress and thinks that she is entitled to keep it? If she borrowed diamond earrings under the same circumstances would she be entitled to keep those? It's not the price that is the issue. The dress isn't hers. It's also fishy, because what place allows people to get married without a license?

OP responded:

It doesn't sound like it was official, just a ceremony, so I think they still need to sign the license, but it was a backgarden wedding, with the groom's parents/siblings/cousins in attendance (open air and social distancing), with a priest conducting a religious ceremony.

mirmice said:

NTA!!! Its yours, she borrowed it, she said she would give back ASAP. Also your mum gave the dress back to you like it was nothing so idk how she has an opinion on this. Also it was a gift for you from your boyfriend, does that not matter to anyone?

Maybe your sister can ask your boyfriend where he got the dress and buy you another one so you guys can exchange? Either way your sister is being catty and a bit of a bridezilla.

And OP responded:

Mum didn't realize the mistake as my sister is always borrowing dresses from me, so she just saw it in the wash and handed it over when I arrived because she's done it so many times before, but when she realized she messed up, mum thought I'd just give it back to my sister with no complaints.

It being from my boyfriend doesn't help, he's probably bought me about half of the dresses I own (we have an agreement about clothing for dress codes).

I'm looking for the dress now, but I don't know the brand and it's a few years old, and no longer on the website of the department store we bought it from, so all I have to go on right now is "blue off the shoulder maxi dress". I found something kind of similar, but the color is too dark, the material isn't quite right, the top has ruching that mine doesn't, and there's no leg slit, so it's really not that similar at all.

She later shared this update:

I've slept on it and despite the responses, my sister is the type to not let these things go, and at the end of the day I value my relationship with my sister more than my relationship with my dress, so I'm just going to give her the dress.

I have a few I can wear to events (and it's not the only one my boyfriend has bought me tbh), and thanks to that person finding the brand I might even treat myself to something similar.

Dad has offered to pitch in for a replacement as a thank you, but I don't know if I'll take him up on it. My sister has apologized for assuming, which might not sound like much but by her standards that's basically the equivalent of her voluntarily writing a 10 page essay on the importance of not getting married in someone else's dress.

Honestly, I can't imagine ever wearing this dress again now. I know "tainted" sounds really dramatic, but I can't imagine wearing it without being aware that my sister got married in it. It wasn't such a big deal to me when I first said she couldn't have it, but after thinking about it I can't imagine wearing my sister's wedding dress to events.

Edit: Can people please stop calling me spineless/doormat/pushover? I have plenty of dresses, all bought by my boyfriend, all with varying levels of sentimentality. This particular dress is probably the least sentimental, it just happens to be the most versatile, which is why I was attached to it, but my little sister just got married in it.

The time my sister wore it while getting married is way more sentimental than that time I wore it while attending my boyfriend's bosses' retirement party or my cousin's wedding. My sister apologised, sincerely, for her actions.

Besides, she's 21, she's a self absorbed idiot who I can't stand most of the time but she's also one of my favourite people in the world who at 18 tried to square her 5"2 skeleton looking self up to my 6"4 gym maniac boyfriend and said if he ever made me cry he'd live to regret it because that's the kind of sister she is.

She's not a narcissist, she's just a bit of a b-word sometimes, and I am too, so I'm hardly in a position to judge, let alone cut contact with her as some of you suggested. Kindly chill.