"AITA for kicking my daughter out?"

My daughter (16F) just recently cheated with her sister's (17F) bf (17M). To say this was a shock was an understatement. My oldest was completely heartbroken and shattered that her sister did that to her. Not to mention she was also really heartbroken by the bf.

My youngest on the other hand is now saying that their dating, and that it couldn't be helped they fell for eachother and her sister should try to be understanding. I was stunned that she had the audacity to say such a thing and sent her up to her room while I tried to console my 17yr.

My 17yr can't stand to be in the same house as her sister and I decided the best thing for now is to give their relationship some space. My girls have two different dad's so I told my 16yr's dad what was going on and he understood and agreed to take her.

My mom however has been giving me a lot of shit for what happened. She says that this is not the way to handle the situation and I'm going to make my daughter think I don't love her as much as her sister. She says that since I'm the adult I shouldn't be choosing sides and shouldn't have kicked her out, especially because she didn't want to go.

I am feeling a bit conflicted about this. On the one hand I have siblings myself and could never imagine doing this to one of them. Not only that but if they did that to me I would NEVER forgive them.

And if this were someone else like a friend, I would tell them to never let their sister back in their life because clearly she has no respect or value for them, and nd was willing to throw away that relationship for something that may not last.

On the other hand she's my daughter and I don't want her to ever think I don't love her or prefer her sister. I also want my kids to have a good relationship with eachother, but I can't pretend I like the person she's become to do this to her sister. I'm trying not to let the anger of her actions cloud my judgment but I've never been angrier at one of my kids.

I know she's a teenager and teenagers do dumb things but I would have never done this, even at that age. Plus what kind of signal would it send to my 17yr if I just overlooked what her sister did to her. I've asked family and friends for their opinions but while some agreed with me others disagreed and I just don't know what's right. I just feel so conflicted.

Edit: To clear some things up, my youngest is not staying with her dad permanently. Three weeks at most if my daughters don't want to try to talk before then. My other daughters father lives a couple hours away so no she can't stay with him.

My 16yr's father and I have come up with a plan for him to try to get her to see reason while she's at his house, and when she comes back, I'll offer both of my daughters family therapy. My oldest is already in therapy because she has clinical depression but my youngest isn't and I think it might benefit of them to talk things through with a therapist.

Her father might also get her a separate therapist if that's something she's open to. I'm not using sending my 16yr to her dad's as a punishment but rather as space to give them both time to think things through, like the option of therapy and how they want to handle this situation.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

dbellhogwarts said:

I fully thought from the title that’d you’d kicked her out to live on the streets. But sending her to her dads while you console your other daughter is a sensible thing to do. I’m saying NTA for separating your daughters whilst emotions are still high and giving them both a break from each other. It depends how you follow this up though.

They both need to rebuild the relationship and you can be a crucial part of that process. I have no advice on the 16YO and the boyfriend though. What a sh!tshow! Good luck 🤞🏻

CreativeAirQuotes said:

NTA. There are times when not choosing sides is choosing a side. By staying neutral, all you do is tacitly acknowledge that the hurtful actions of one party are equally valid to the hurt feelings of the other.

And unless there are some problematic issues not included in your post, having your daughter stay with her father doesn't seem like a harmful punishment. It's simply giving your two daughters the space they need from each other.

Metomeelpalo said:

NTA. Parents are there to teach lessons when you missbehave. Your daughter sounds a lot like my sister. My parents always let her get away with everything. Now she is a spoiled 40 years old narcissist and she is quite lonely. Also i am no contact with her and my dad, and low contact with my mom. If you as a mother let her get away with everything you will be raising a narcissist.

Isolated_Reader62 said:

This is a super tough one. I would say NTA, but sit down with your 16 yo and explain you believe in an effort to save Their relationship, you’re helping them have space from each other. Reassure her you still love her and you’re not picking sides, but that you’re trying to help them resolve the situation

OP responded:

I did explain my reasoning to her, that I wasn't doing this because I hated her, but because her sister and her desperately need space right now. She was still hurt though.

Demoniokitty said:

NTA. However, you should sit them both down and explain that dude is not worth neither of their time. If he cheats on one, he would gladly cheat on the other.

And OP responded:

I have tried to tell that to my 16yr but she's hearing none of it and is determined to stay with him. As for my 17yr she's completely done with the guy.

She later shared this update:

So her father and I talked with my 17yr's therapist today and she recommended that it might be best to have my 17yr stay with her father when my 16yr gets back. My 17yr agreed she would like to try this option.

Obviously I want my girls to repair their relationship but if this is what's best for my 17yrs mental health than I'm not going to stop her from moving out or pressure her to rekindle the relationship with her sister. I do plan to take her out and do something nice before she leaves.