'AITA for kicking my husband out when our phones got disconnected?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking my husband out when our phones got disconnected?"

Long story short, we have been trying to financially recover from my husband hopping jobs and then not actually working at all for about three months. Our bank account was emptied, we had to go through a debt consolidation process, I had to empty out a retirement account, we almost got evicted, almost lost both of the vehicles, the whole nine yards. He started working again including some overtime.

My position is salary, so overtime isn't an option for me. We had a pretty intense conversation in the midst of it all with me telling him that the next time this happens, I wasn't putting up with it. We got caught up on rent, got caught up on the cars, everything. But then he started calling out of work again. And then he changed his shift which someone had him out of work for almost two weeks.

He still has a job, he worked yesterday, but he's been going less and less. His last check was almost $500 less than what it usually is, and that's just for one week.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment in a different city that I scheduled a decent amount of time before I was supposed to be at work, so I wasn't expecting any calls. I went to my doctor's appointment, stopped to get gas, and then my car wouldn't start. Tried to call my husband, and I got that "you're not able to make calls recording."

The bill is in his name due to that being an agreement we have (I handle rent, utilities, etc, he handles misc things.) Found a place with WiFi and tried to call him through messenger. Got that taken care of, but was still a little frustrated at being stranded for a bit with no phone.

We get all that dealt with, he calls the phone company to see if we can get an extension or make a smaller payment on it. Nope. It's gonna way too over past due, and this thing hasn't been paid in a few months, with the grand total being over $500, which we don't have. Close, but not quite.

My job is a traveling position. Most of my work requires me to have a phone between calls, texts, the whole thing. I am technically on call 24/7. My immediate reaction was, now this man is messing with my job, the one thing I thought he couldn't. I broke down in tears and told him to get out and to not come back until the phone bill was paid.

He's not getting a paycheck this week because of how long he was out due to him switching shifts, so that means it'll have to be next week when I get paid. He was pretty much speechless, packed his stuff, and left with one of his friends. I have been a complete wreck since, and I keep wondering if I made the right decision. Am I the @$$hole for kicking him out?

TL;DR: husband was out of work for a bit, we were finally starting to recover, but then he started calling out again and our phone got disconnected, so I kicked him out

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Arbor_Arabicae said:

NTA. I wouldn't take him back after your phone is back on, either. "Now this man is messing with my job, the one thing I thought he couldn't?" Do you really want to live like this?

flaky-burnt said:

NTA. You kicked out your husband because he isn't an equal partner. Not only is he not working steadily and contributing to the household, but he's endangering your job. He didn't even notify you of the issues with the phone bill?!

OP responded:

Nope, not a word. I've asked him multiple times about if there's anything else that's behind, is the anything else we need to plan a payment for. When I asked him about why he didn't, he told me that he thought he had scheduled a payment for the end of the month and it was fine. Apparently not.

[deleted] said:

NTA. You did the right thing. Just from you saying "now this man is messing with my job" makes it clear you no longer view him as a partner, but instead a tremendous burden at best and opposition at the worst.

You feel like you are struggling against him because you are. He almost ruined you. You spent the entire last year cleaning up his mess. His only reliable contribution is financial burden. If you want to leave him you're perfectly within your rights.

Pure_Explanation_624 asked:

NTA Why are you with him? Serious question

OP responded:

Other than the financial piece, I don't have any complaints. He's very loving, very supportive of me and my career, he has a good sense of humor, and he's supported me a lot when I had my own mental health issues. I love him. We started with nothing but a blow up mattress and a TV on the floor and built what we have now from there.

He has been a bit inconsistent at times, but it's never been this bad until this past year. Occasionally we would have to struggle for a little bit, but that was typically around big ticket things like moving, a car breaking down, etc. Historically, he's been a really good worker.

Before all of this happened, he had the same job for almost two years but then left when he found something that paid more, and even then he had already been hired on before he quit the first job, so maybe less than a week of a pay check missing.

We did have a miscarriage last year after trying for a year, and I do think that's still an issue for him. We grieved together for about a week, then I went back to work because I had to. He didn't. Then after they he called out often. We've had conversations about that, and I encouraged therapy, offered to go with him, but he went once and never went back.

He also has ADHD that is severe enough to cause issues with his overall functioning (he will forget that he's driving), but he doesn't take his medication for it like he's supposed to. I've tried to talk to him about why he doesn't because by all means, if that's an issue, we can talk to his doctor about it, but he says he doesn't have a problem with it, he just doesn't want to take it all the time.

There's a lot of things. Part of it is how he was raised, part of it is never really having to provide any sort of structure for himself, part of it is me also enabling him for as long as I have. The list is long, and some of it is historical, and some of it is fresh, but at the end of the day, I just want the man that I married back.

She later shared this update:

I'm sorry I'm not able to respond to everyone. I'm trying to get caught back up on the work I missed today. I spoke with him about getting our phone bills split and he's completely in agreement with it. He is currently at work right now.

I do thank you all for the input and advice, and even the suggestions for how I can help support myself or him better, whether that be the responses of getting a divorce or trying to listen to him more.

I do have a different bank account set up that I was already just starting to put a little bit at a time in (we're talking like $50 at a time) but I think I'm going to start moving more over just in case and have my phone and my car switched to coming out of that instead. For the people who have mentioned therapy, I currently do go to therapy once a month that's covered by my insurance, he went once and never went back.

The idea of couples counseling has been mentioned before, but to me, I really don't want to invest time and money into something that's going to be a moot point if he can't work on himself. We also did try couples therapy a few years ago, and he was completely unresponsive. Like legitimately just kind of sat there and gave one word responses to everything.

The therapist got frustrated, it was a whole thing. He also, believe it or not, would use his couples therapy appointments to get out of going to work. And then wouldn't go to the appointment with me.

She later shared this second update:

More questions that get asked: yes, my work does have a $100 a month stipend for phones. The problem is my reimbursement checks go into our joint bank account, which wasn't an issue to me because I thought the phone bill was getting paid. I'm going to start putting those in my second bank account and have my phone bill set to come out of that one.

Also, yes, he does have mental health issues. He has anxiety, depression, and ADHD, but he doesn't take his meds often and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go to therapy because he doesn't like it. He went once and never went back.

Also, I didn't want to make a decision the day of because I know I was emotional yesterday, but moving forward if I put my reimbursement checks and a portion of my check into my bank account each pay period, I can make sure my stuff is covered while also saving up for a deposit and first month's rent for my own place (our house is currently a three bedroom, not something I would need on my own).

I might not be able to get a house, but I can definitely afford an apartment on my own. Our lease is up in December for this house. He has until then to put some effort into his mental health, show me he can consistently go to work, and manage his own expenses. If not, dueces.