'AITA for kicking out my roommate after both of her parents died?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking out my roommate after she’s lost her parents?"

Me and my roommate are childhood best friends who moved in together after we both graduated from college. It’s been good for a few years, but sadly both of her parents passed away a year ago in a car accident.

This absolutely devastated her, and because of this I offered to take up all of rent if she pays for groceries and small necessities. Soon after this, she quits her job and starts staying at home a lot more to cope. I understand this of course.

The only problem is now I’m paying for everything, groceries and utilities alike. My own situation job wise is shaky, since my boss sold the company and now it looks like the new company we’re under is ready to do a massive lay off. While I was applying for some possible new jobs, I offered to help my roomie look for a job herself. She just gave me an odd look and said she wasn’t ready yet.

Since my situation financially is looking pretty unstable, even taking up an extra job as a cashier in Walmart to save up as much money as I could for a possible month or two of being jobless. I would get off at 3 am to have her text me soon after asking me if I could bring her booze.

And sometimes I will notice her and her boyfriend have been having some fun since I’ll find food all over and sometimes even evidence of multiple people being over. She doesn’t feed my Yorkie, Connie, and sometimes I’ll even find the poor thing locked in my room with evidence of her not being let out even to go to the bathroom.

A week ago I told her that maybe now it’s time to get a job, since working till 4 or 5 in the morning and waking up at 8 am isn’t helping my own mental health. I even contacted her family, who told her they’d help her pay to see a therapist and I have multiple recommendation letters saved up for her in case she needs them for a new job.

This set her off, she demanded to know why I told her family, and she WAS considering applying for a job but now her mental health is bad all over again.

After months of stressing out over her and crying endless nights, I finally gave her a 30 day notice to either get the money to pay for 40% of the rent, or I would be forced to kick her out. I also stated that she would need a job, and as far as I can tell her attitude towards me has gotten even worse.

Nitpicking everything I post online and even going as far as to go to my parents and crying to them. It’s all been so stressful and I feel like If she doesn’t move out, then I’ll just move back in with my parents and leave her to her own devices.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

LefthandedLemur said:

NTA. She is taking advantage of you. "and she WAS considering applying for a job but now her mental health is bad all over again." And a liar as well.

OP responded:

She’s pulled this one on me a couple of times, but I always look past it and continued to show her jobs and being stubborn about it in general. Even if I drop the subject for a few days.

[deleted] said:

NTA. What happened to her parents is awful, but all of that responsibility should not be yours to bear. You gave her more than enough time to cope, and at some point she has to pick up the pieces and continue with her life.

Sounds like she has just gotten used to the free ride and is just using you at this point and making lame excuses... this is definitely a one sided friendship, and at some point you have to do what is best for you. You’ve done more than enough for her.

OP responded:

Her boyfriend is def not a good influence. Went to highschool with us, and has been in and out of work for about 2 years now. Never commits to anything and as far as I’m concerned he bums out at our place while I’m not home, which is forever now since I’ve started working my second job.

I basically come home for an hour, eat as much as I can, and then head out until 3 or 4 and pass tf out before I have to wake up at 8 am.

CheerilyTerrified said:

NTA. You're friend experienced a horrible loss, but at some point people have to help themselves and she's not willing to do that. Nothing you can do will make her better off, she needs to do that herself. I think it's reached the stage where it is no longer you supporting her but her taking advantage.

Also, it sounds like reaction to you setting some boundaries she has become somewhat abusive. I don't know if it is her gaslighting to make you continue supporting her, or something else, but either way, I think even if she got a job and started paying rent it would be better for one of you to move out.

OP responded:

Even if she tries, I’m set on my notice. I’ve given her as many recourses, and I’ve even forced her to sit down in front of my computer to look for jobs. I’ve been considering moving out myself since some of my cousins have told me their plants to move out. Of course I’ll help her look for a new roomie.

unlucky_dominator_ said:

NAH. You are being a great friend - nearly a sister. You gave her time and love and support to heal. But you can't pour from an empty cup - you need to also be taking care of yourself.

Also at some point, you're enabling her to wallow in her sorrow. It sucks but life goes on after a tragedy and she's putting off the inevitable reality of returning to the real world. Her parents probably wouldn't want her whole world to stop because of their death. You're giving her time to get a job and pay you.

Hopefully she can step up and appreciate the support you gave her to grieve and also the supporting nudge you gave her to resume her life.

And OP responded:

Her parents were like a second pair of parents too me, since our parents were basically the best of friends. I know they definitely would have wanted her to move on and become successful.

Before this she was the brightest person I ever knew and basically my sister. As much as I miss it though I’ve come to realize I’m enabling her and that it’s better for us to separate for a while, whether it be in the apartment or not.

She later shared this update:

Thank you all for the enlightenment, I think that I’ll just try to evict her either way. There was no written agreement really, more of just a verbal warning. I think it would be better for the both of us to be apart. She needs to be with her real family that message me constantly worried sick about her, and I need to be alone and worry about my own problems.

If this breaks our relationship forever, so be it. It’s obvious what I did was not helpful at all, I can never be too harsh on her or set boundaries since in my head she’ll always be like a sister to me.

She needs to be with people who aren’t afraid to say no to her and will force her to change for the better. My words and warnings obviously aren’t getting to her since I haven’t seen her overly anxious about it, I think in the end this is the best for us both.