'AITA for laughing in my mother's face when she said my stepsister planned my 18th birthday?' UPDATED
"AITA for laughing in my mother's face when she said my stepsister planned my 18th birthday?"
A little background: My mom and dad separated when I was 6 and each went their separate ways. Of course, they had joint custody of me, but they both started new families: when I was 9, my mom married a man (let's call him Robert) who already had a daughter (let's call her Keira) who was two years older than me.
My dad got engaged when I was 8 to a wonderful woman (let's call her Layla) who he married when I was 12.
My relationship with Layla is beautiful, she has truly been a mother to me: she basically helped my dad raise me, she takes an interest in my life, she comfort me, she advice me, we have common interests and we do many activities together.
She and I recently talked about the possibility of having her legally adopt me as soon as I come of age (doing so now would be a bit messy legally because of my parents' joint custody) because, for me, she is my real mother and i want it to be official.
My relationship with my bio mother, on the other hand, is almost non-existent. Even though I was forced to spend specific days with her, we never managed to bond because she spent all her time giving attention and affection to Keira (who already have her own mother). Even when she tried to involve me in some activity, she always included Keira and we had to do only what Keira liked.
At a certain point I started to decline her invitations and often asked if I could avoid going to her on the set days because I was almost always ignored or left aside and I preferred to stay at home with my father and Layla.
My father always tried to understand me but he also had to honor the rules set by the judge; when I got more mature he admitted that he was afraid that my mother might make some mean move in court if he agreed to not let me go to her on the appointed days (yeah, this is something my mother would do).
After knowing this, I understood my father's reasons and I absolutely don't want to get him in trouble, so I didn't make such requests anymore and I respected my schedule.
Now let's get to the point: In two weeks I will finally turn 18. I was lucky because my birthday falls on the days i have to stay with my dad, so he, Layla and I started planning my birthday a month ago: it will be nothing too crazy, just a party with family and friends at my favorite pizza place.
It's going to be a casual night where I just want to have fun with the people I care about and do what I like (the place also has karaoke and I love singing). Of course, after booking and setting everything up we sent out the invitations and this extended to my mother as well.
Honestly, I didn't really want her there, but then I thought that this would actually be the last time I was forced to be involved with her because, once I turn 18 I won't be forced to follow the judge's rules anymore. So we sent out the invitations 2 days ago and we already had almost all the answers, so we could organize the precise number to send to the pizza place.
The only thing missing was my mother who saw the text and did not respond. I told my father that I would not insist and if she did not respond, then it meant she did not want to come and I was fine with that. I think my father was also a little relieved by the idea, even if he didn't say it openly but i could see it on his face.
Anyway, the drama started this afternoon: My mother called me, very angry, accusing me of being childish and that I shouldn't have planned anything without telling her first. This left me a little confused and I reminded her that I ALWAYS planned all my birthdays with dad and Layla, most of the time she didn't even remember, so complaining now was quite hypocritical.
This made her even angrier and started attacking me because Keira had been crying ever since I sent the invitation to my mother because she had already planned a whole birthday party for me.
And i was really speechless because the relationship between me and Keira is zero: She is the classic spoiled brat who always wants to be the center of attention and my mother has always supported this behavior of hers, making it worse, and clearly she and I have never gotten along. I just didn't understand why the hell Keira wanted to organize a birthday party for me, it didn't make sense.
I asked her why she did it and especially why she did it without telling me. I mean, she didn't really think I wouldn't make any plans for my 18th birthday, right? It was ridiculous.
My mother said it was supposed to be a surprise, and since I didn't tell her about my plans, she thought I didn't want to do anything for my birthday. And I mean... she could have asked? No? No.
But here comes the worst part and, I admit, the one that made me lose my cool: my mother started listing all the things Keira had prepared for my party (maybe to rub in my face what I would have missed) and they were ALL Keira's favorite activities! Things that I didn't like!
She had booked a fish restaurant for lunch, and I don't eat fish. Not because of some whim but because it make me feel sick: Just smelling fish makes me feel nauseous. I'm not allergic (I had it checked), my body simply rejects it.
She also booked an afternoon activity at a ranch near the city where my mother now lives where you can ride horses and...well, I don't like it. I have nothing against horses in particular, but the idea of riding one or getting really close to an animal that big scares me.
Then she thought about going back to my mom's house for a backyard barbecue for dinner and I just don't want to do that because I don't want to spend more time with my mom than I have to.
My mother also said they had already sent out invitations to everyone and at that point i was really speechless but I had to aske her who she had sent them to because my friends, my dad and his family hadn't received anything... it turns out that at the party was mostly invited to Robert's family, my mom's family and Keira's friends.
I mean, it was basically a party organized by Keira for herself but under the pretext that it was for my birthday. Sooo...I didn't hold back anymore: i laughed in my mother's face and hung up the phone. It was all too ridiculous to be true, come on.
My dad came to me a little while ago, saying that my mom called him mad because I laughed in her face when she told me about the party they had organized for me and he was very upset about it.
He was starting to say that, despite all the feelings I had for my mom, they were trying to do a nice a thing for once but I stopped him right away and explained in details how the party had been organized, a detail that my mom apparently left out with him.
His expression changed quickly, he just said "I'm going to make a phone call" and I've been hearing him yelling at my mother for at least twenty minutes by now.
Layla came to me after learning about the situation and said that as much as she could relate to me, I was a little rude to laugh in my mother's face and hang up without explaining; for her, I should have spoken out like an adult despite my feelings and sort things out in a civil and mature way. She wasn't angry, just a bit disappointed about how i acted.
As soon as she left, I thought about my actions and maybe I was a little hasty but I don't think talking to my mom about it would have helped honestly. But maybe I could have handled it better? I'm starting to think I was a bit of an a^%$ole in that moment...
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You laughed because the absurdity hit comedy gold levels. Your stepsister planning a party that's literally an anti-you festival under the guise of your birthday? That’s sitcom material. You're not obligated to feign gratitude for something that was clearly not meant for you.
If anything, your reaction might finally get through to them that you’re not just a side character in their family narrative. Keep your birthday plans with your dad and Layla, and enjoy turning 18 with people who actually pay attention to what makes you happy.
"l was a little rude to laugh in my mother’s face and hang up without explaining; for her, I should have spoken out like an adult despite my feelings and sort things out in a civil and mature way."
In order to be mature and adult-like, you do NOT need to be prim and proper, considerate, and civil with ALL others, at ALL times. Being those things, all the time, in actuality, likely means you’re a doormat. Basic respect should be given to others automatically, but if they disrespect you, then it’s off the table and needs to be earned back.
OP, Your mom lost the right to have you treat her civilly. You do not owe her an explanation. You do not owe her maturity. You do not owe her kindness. You do not owe her respect. She has not shown you an ounce of those things since at least the last decade of your life.
For the first time in your life, you aren’t require to cater to your egg donor’s, nor your step-sister’s feelings/wants. By laughing in her face and hanging up, you showed her: 1. You won’t tolerate her (or step-sister’s) crap anymore, 2. Your obligated kindness has run out, and 3. She no longer can treat you however she wants.
Her repeated dismissals of your feelings and her obvious fake displays of compassion, aren’t going to fly anymore. What you did marks the turning point. Why are you expected to act more “adult-like” and “mature” than your literal parent?!?
When someone says “be the bigger person” what they really mean is, “make yourself uncomfortable for the comfort of others”. I know Layla means well, but if you heeded her advice, it’s going to end up sending the wrong message.
Your egg donor needs to know that her abuse and neglect towards you stops NOW. And I think you did a pretty good job of starting to make her aware of that. You did nothing more than match her energy. She gets what she deserves and nothing more.
You are about to be an adult! Not only exciting but it sounds like things will get better for you since you can decide who to spend your time with. Sounds like your mom and stepsister are just attention seekers
2 days later OP came back with this update:
Ok, I didn't think my post would get all this attention, welp. But thank you all for the good wishes and words of comfort. I read all your comments and decided to follow some advice: first of all i talked to Layla about my reaction to my mother.
Layla raised me on the importance of communication and always pushing me to talk about my problems so I could solve them, so i see where her comment about my behavior came from and i understand it.
But i also gave her my point of view, telling her that the situation my mother was explaining was too absurd and laughing is the only natural instinct that came to me; while my mother was talking at some point i thought "Is it a joke? Or some sort of bad prank? Is she making this all up?" because her bullshits was absolutely ridiculous.
Layla said she understood me, and as many of you have told me, she just wanted me to understand that there will be situations in my life where I can't just laugh and hang up the phone and she was just worried about my reaction. Anyway, we managed to clear the matter between us and I'm happy.
I also talked to my dad about the phone call he had with my mom. Apparently, my mom had an excuse for everything: She said that Keira just wanted to do a nice sisterly gesture on my big day, that she wanted to share her hobby (riding horses) with me and that she never thought my fish problem was a real problem but just a whim and the restaurant they had booked at made the best fish around.
And that last one is a lie because, when I was little, I threw up a couple of times in front of my mom just because we went somewhere that smelled strongly of fish so she know very well it's a real issue for me.
My dad retorted that nothing they had prepared had been done for me, that Keira had clearly planned the party for herself, and what kind of party was it for me if none of my important people were there? My mother didn't respond to this, she just started ranting that I was ungrateful and spoiled so my father told her to go to hell and hung up the phone.
After hearing this, I decided to follow another piece of advice you gave me and wrote a message to my mother. This time I decided to be mature and wrote the message in the most polite way possible: I apologized for laughing but what she was saying was too ridiculous so it was the only possible reaction from my side.
I reminded her that she never put any effort into building a relationship with me, that she doesn't know me at all and has never cared about getting to know me and since the birthday party Keira organized only had things that Keira liked, they could enjoy it together with their family and friends.
I also told her that her invitation to my pizza party was withdrawn and she shouldn't bother showing up since she had already made it clear with the last phone call what her priorities were and now I was going to do it too, and she was absolutely not on my priority list.
I already have Layla as a mother and i can't be more happy with her. I concluded by wishing her well with her new family and asked her not to contact me again.
She read the message but didn't respond and I'm fine with that. If she were to respond, I'm sure it would just be more complaints about me being 'ungrateful' and 'spoiled'. Because I know that talking to her is useless, she would not understand or pretend not to understand, but clarifying things once and for all has put an end to our situation.
At least on my side I had a sort of closure and i thank you all for that: I probably would have given up and ended contact with her after my 18th witouth said anything, but your comments helped me understand that a firm 'end' was necessary.
For those who asked how my mom could throw me a surprise party when I wasn't with her: My dad asked her the same question (along with asking her how she could think he wouldn't throw me an 18th birthday party; my dad took it a bit personally lol).
She said they had planned for Robert to come get me the morning of my birthday, explain the situation to dad and Layla and then take me to mom's house under some pretense..
Honestly, I don't know how it would have worked: I would have flat out refused to go to my mother's if it wasn't our set days, no matter what excuse they would have made up, and most of all I would never have left Layla and dad to go to mom's on my 18th birthday. It would have been one thing if my mother and I had a good relationship but that was definitely not the case.
In all of this, the only person I don't feel like blaming is Robert: We never had a close relationship, but he was always polite to me when we lived under the same roof. He even cleared out his study so I could have a permanent room in his house when I went to my mother's.
We didn't develop any 'stepdaughter-stepfather' bond, but he always tried to be kind to me so I don't blame him for any of this. It's likely that he really thinks the party is for me, we don't know each other well enough for him to know my tastes unless my mother told him (which I highly doubt she did).
Luckily, I didn't leave anything of mine at my mother's house either: all my things are here at my father's house permanently. Usually, I would pack my suitcase when I went to my mother's with the things I needed for those days and then bring them back when I went back to my father's.
I never felt safe leaving anything to her because Robert's family and Keira's friends came over often and I didn't want to leave anything of mine out in the open to strangers.
Well, that's it for now. I hope my mom respects my wish to go no-contact and doesn't bother me anymore after that. I'd also like to bring up the adoption conversation with Layla after the holidays, she seemed really happy when we first talked about it.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and advice, your insights have helped me better manage the situation: I can understand that I'm still a little immature but I feel that this experience has helped me grow a little more and see the issue from other points of view. All the best for you, guys🩵
Here's what people had to say after the update:
You handled this situation with maturity and clarity, setting firm boundaries. Layla seems like an amazing support in your life—wishing you the best moving forward.
Well played OP. Have a happy birthday 🎈
Please update when your stepmom officially adopts you (is that still the plan??). I just want to know how the day/experience goes and how happy you are ☺️ I’m happy for you already.
Do you have any sort of relationship with your birth giver’s family and if so what do they think about your birth giver’s treatment of you. I think you handled this situation perfectly far more maturely than your egg donor.
I don't really have much contact with my mother's family. They are just three people: my grandmother, my aunt, and my uncle. My uncle lives a few hours away from here with his family and I've seen him very few times during the holidays I spent with my mother and our interactions were very brief and distant.
With my aunt and my grandmother I only have a cordial relationship: we exchange holiday greetings by text, a few times they've sent me gifts for my birthday (always money loaded onto my father's card) but that's it.
Even the few times I've met them we had casual conversations about how each other's lives were going, but nothing more. In fact, I haven't invited any of them to my 18th and they haven't texted me anything since the drama with my mother happened, so I think they just don't care that much.