Eight-year relationship ends after BF shames GF's brother for his clothes on her birthday. AITA?
"AITA for leaving my boyfriend of 8 years, after he ruined my birthday and told my brother that he needed to change his clothes?"
I, 30f, have been with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) 36m, for eight years. He knows everything about me and he knows my family, but I never expected him to behave the way that he did. Let me start at the beginning:
Yesterday was my birthday and we had made plans to spend the day together. We were going to go shopping and out to eat because I wanted to keep things small and simple this year. He lives about an hour and a half away from me and told me to call him when I woke up, so he could come down early.
I woke up at 9am and immediately texted him, before getting ready for the day and going to run some errands. I kid you not, this man had me waiting ALL DAY for him. I texted him again at 12pm, asking when he was coming, and he said that he had to "finish his laundry." I didn't mind that, so I said okay.
He called me around 1pm and we usually sit on the phone for hours, talking or doing other things, and we did that until about 4pm. By that time, I was getting upset because we had plans and I had been waiting on him all day. Fast forward to about 8pm, and he FINALLY shows up. It's clear he's upset, but so was I. I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry.
Now, I invited my siblings to come, and this is where the problem happened. My younger brother, 21m, is openly gay and has his own sense of fashion. If I can remember clearly, he was wearing shorts, a crop top, and a top over his shirt so that you really couldn't tell that he was wearing a crop top.
And I should also mention that the shorts weren't super short either. He dresses like that daily and I didn't see a problem with it. If I'm being honest, he had on more clothes than I did.
My boyfriend saw him and didn't say anything. We all got into the car and headed to the restaurant, but halfway there...he turned the car around and said he wasn't going into a restaurant with my brother dressed the way that he was.
He then told him that he had to change his clothes, and that made my brother uncomfortable and upset. He told my boyfriend to pull over so he could get out of the car, and I said no. It was in the middle of the night, on a dark back road, and I wasn't letting him get out of the car.
I didn't understand what the issue was all of a sudden, especially when he clearly saw my brother's outfit before we left the house, but I was pissed off and I knew right then and there...I was done with this relationship.
When we got back to my house, I told him we were done, and he said he was fine with that before leaving. I thought I'd be sad about us breaking up, but I'm not. It was a long time coming, but now everyone is saying that I was too nasty in my decision to break up with him. So, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Not the ah at all. he ruined your birthday, disrespected your brother, and made everything about himself. you just finally chose peace over tolerating that mess.
Move on. He was looking for an excuse to end it.
I agree. It seems like he created a scene that he knew you wouldn't agree with so you would break up with him and he wouldn't look like the bad guy. He couldn't break up with you on your birthday so he ruined it for you instead. Sounds like a set up. NTA.
NTA. I'm puzzled at how it even got that bad even before his completely out of line remarks about your brother. You spoke in the phone for 3 hours but he never understood that you wanted him to come down ASAP? And you starved yourself all day despite having no confirmation that he was joining you till dinner?
QueenieB_ (OP)
Everything was planned a week or two in advance, he knew I had been waiting on him, but clearly he didn't care.
NTA but I wonder: during those 8 years together there was never a similar behavior? Are you sure there isn't something wrong with him?
QueenieB_ (OP)
Honestly, he's never been as hostile as he was last night. I'm not sure if he just didn't want to spend my birthday with me or if it was something else. His homophobic tendencies shined bright last night.
I mean it doesn't sound like he was that bothered that you ended it so it was clearly the right choice.
NTA. He didn’t want to be there, and was enough of an ah to get you to do the breaking up ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
NTA — nowhere even close to it. Good lord, it’s hard to find a place to start. I’ve had the misfortune of knowing many toxic men in my life, and your ex bf is a walking red flag. This jughead is 36 years old, and he couldn’t even keep a commitment of spending time with you on your birthday because he needed to do laundry?!?!
He forced you to sit around waiting all day when you could’ve made alternative plans. Did he even bring you a present or apologize for taking so long? The final straw was bullying your brother like that. Another person’s outfit is none of your ex’s business, and imo it sounds like your bf was just angry that you brought your siblings which took your attention away from his diva ass.
The fact that you’d been in a relationship with this loser for 8 years with no mention of marriage or long-term commitment like living together kinda told me everything I needed to know about your ex. I feel sorry for you and your bro.