"AITA for not leaving my estate to my severely disabled brother?"

I (33F) received a terminal diagnosis earlier this year. I’ve got a couple of years at best estimate to get everything in order before I won’t have the cognitive ability to do so anymore. I’ve been working with a lawyer and an end of life care social worker to make sure everything will go as smoothly as possible and my wishes will be respected.

I also have a complicated family situation. My parents were never married and my dad died when I was 12 of the same condition I now have. He never married so all his assets were put in a trust for me by my grandparents. My mom married after they broke up and had my half-brother (26M). He is severely mentally disabled.

He’s a 7 year old in a grown man’s body and even with all the resources they can get, he’s very difficult to care for and my mom and step-dad barely get by most of the time. They tried really hard to get legal control of my trust when I was living with them, but couldn’t.

I help out some when things are really hard, but I feel like my mom treats me like an emergency fund rather than her daughter and my step-dad has been bitter about the financial stuff (my dad was very successful and his family is well off) since even before my dad died. I don’t talk to either of them about my life because they always get passive aggressive and guilt-trippy.

I’ve been trying to talk more with my mom now that I know I’m on borrowed time. We’ve never had a great relationship, but I wanted to try and resolve some of it. She’s been much nicer to me and more concerned since the diagnosis, so I thought it was ok to open up a bit.

I didn’t want her to be blind-sided or feel like she has to take on anything since I’ve appointed another family member to be my medical and financial POA, so I talked to her recently about my plans. I told her that I know my half-brother is a full time job so I’m having other people take care of my care so she won’t be burdened.

She was thankful for that, but then brought up how she always hoped that I would be the one to make sure my brother was taken care of when she was gone and that in a way I still would be. She would put whatever I leave behind into his care fund and would make sure he knows it’s from his big sister.

This is where I might be the AH. I’m not leaving anything to my mom or brother. I don’t have kids, but I have been the favorite “auntie” to my best friend’s two children for their entire lives. They are the light of my life and I spend a lot of time with them. My BFF and I have been through a lot together.

She and her husband have been the ones going with me to appointments and letting me crash in their spare room when I was too sick from meds to be home alone. Whatever is left over after I’m gone is going to the kids for college. I know it’s money that could secure better care for my half-brother and take some of the load off my mom, but I feel like I want to help someone else now.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Lucky_Six_1530 said:

First I just want to say, I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I am glad to hear you have a team of professionals helping you to make the transition easier. That is never an easy thing to hear or process, so please be kind to yourself and know it’s okay to have range of emotions regarding this news.

You are NTA at all. It sounds like your close friends have really been your support network through this and are going to continue being your support network. That is wonderful to have friends like that. Your estate should go to to whomever you want it to go to.

Everyone seems to think there is this unspoken rule that family must be taken care of first-but what they don’t realize is family isn’t just about blood relations. Family is what you make of it. Your friend and their two children have been your family and support so of course you want to ensure they are taken care of. A college trust is an amazing thing to leave for them and it sounds like they will be grateful.

Please don’t give in to your mom and step dad. Even if you did leave something for your brother, there is no guarantee it would be used to better his care (especially since they have tried to get access to your trust fund before). Stick to your feelings and wishes.

This is what top commenters had to say:

Lucky_Six_1530 said:

First I just want to say, I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I am glad to hear you have a team of professionals helping you to make the transition easier. That is never an easy thing to hear or process, so please be kind to yourself and know it’s okay to have range of emotions regarding this news.

You are NTA at all. It sounds like your close friends have really been your support network through this and are going to continue being your support network. That is wonderful to have friends like that. Your estate should go to to whomever you want it to go to.

Everyone seems to think there is this unspoken rule that family must be taken care of first-but what they don’t realize is family isn’t just about blood relations. Family is what you make of it. Your friend and their two children have been your family and support so of course you want to ensure they are taken care of. A college trust is an amazing thing to leave for them and it sounds like they will be grateful.

Please don’t give in to your mom and step dad. Even if you did leave something for your brother, there is no guarantee it would be used to better his care (especially since they have tried to get access to your trust fund before). Stick to your feelings and wishes.

norablisss said:

NTA. You’ve thought carefully about your decision, and you’re making arrangements that align with your values and relationships. Your half-bro’s care is undeniably a huge responsibility, but it’s also a responsibility that rests with your mom and stepdad.

It’s clear that you have a deep bond with your best friend’s kids, who’ve been a huge source of comfort and support to you. Choosing to leave your estate to them is a deeply personal decision, and you have every right to direct your assets where you feel they’ll bring the most meaning and fulfillment. Best of luck!

CandylandCanada said:

NTA, not in the least. You are in an unimaginably dreadful situation, with no good options. You've done everything right so far re the POAs. Ensure that your will strictly conforms to your wishes. Some people put a clause in the will stating "I have chosen not to make provisions for A, B and C. This is my express wish". The clause makes it harder for A, B and C to challenge the will.

My heart goes out to you on so many levels. Please, take care of yourself, take care of the little ones, and do what you want with YOUR inheritance. That's surely what your dad intended.

And Prestigious_Blood_38 said:

NTA you should also give yourself a free pass to not tell your mother your plans before your passing. Just write her a letter that explains. Or leave your brother something smaller. You have the right to enjoy the time you have left without having to have this argument with her

Away_Refuse8493 asked:

Have you talked to your friend? Is she ok with your brother getting nothing? I'd be uncomfortable, in her shoes.

And OP responded:

She knows the situation with my family. We’ve been friends since we were in pre-school and she saw first hand how my mom and step-dad treated me. She’s also knows how little my mom has done to be present in my life up until the point I was dying and how the only thing she ever seemed to call for was money.

I’ve told her recently that I’m putting aside some money for the kids’ college provided hospice and medical care doesn’t eat it, just not the amount. She knows I’m taking steps to keep my mom’s family out of my end of life care and anything important and supports that.

My brother wouldn’t have inherited anything if I didn’t have a will, so he’s not disinherited so much as never inherited. I’ve already put a significant amount of my own money towards his care since I’ve been an adult just to keep them solvent. He isn’t going to end up on the street, he’s enrolled in every program he can be a part of and would go to a state-run home if none of us were around.

I don’t have warm feelings for him as he is prone to violence when upset and my coming to live with them after my dad died upset him so badly he attacked me multiple times a day for months. Not his fault, but it’s hard to feel any kind of responsibility to someone who has sent you to the hospital before.