Mom considers divorce after husband refuses to help with childcare despite her full-time job. AITA?
"AITA for leaving my husband after he refused to help with our child?"
My (29f) husband (30m) and I have been together for 10 years and currently share 1 child (3f). When our daughter was born I was working full-time in an office setting but then went on a leave after developing severe PPD.
We realized that we didn’t need my full income so I stepped down to part-time so we didn’t have to use daycare and to hopefully relieve some stress to ease my depression.
I worked part-time from the time she was 6 months old until January 2025. During this time I was responsible for the household and our daughter. My husband’s only real responsibility was cooking dinner and the occasional breakfast.
I cleaned, I grocery shopped and meal planned, I remembered all the appointments and events, I also did all of the child rearing with the exception of the two days I worked in office (I had one day from home but my daughter was at home with me).
I became more overwhelmed than I was before. I asked for help constantly and my husband would follow through for about two weeks before telling me that he was too tired from working full time (~40 hrs). I told him I wanted to go back to work full time and split the workload. He said no.
I found a job anyway. One where I’d be able to put my daughter in a reputable daycare for my remote days and still be bringing in more monthly than my part time job. (It’s important to note that we are also renovating our entire home due to hurricane damage and we didn’t have insurance so extra income is needed.)
I told my husband about the job after accepting the position. He was furious. He told me not to expect any help outside of what he does now (cooking). He has remained steadfast in his decision to not help.
I recently asked again if he could At least help by brushing her teeth in the morning. He said no. I said we are supposed to be a team and I would really appreciate his help. He snapped that this is what I wanted, I did this to myself and he would not be helping beyond his fair share. I said fine I’ll figure it out myself.
I’ve since been contemplating divorce. If the only responsibility I need to pick up is cooking then what help do I need from him? AITA for deciding that if he won’t help, I won’t stay.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Marriage and parenting are supposed to be a team effort, not one person doing 95% while the other cooks dinner. You deserve real support, not resentment for asking.
NTA. If you divorce, you will split custody and then you’ll have nights where you have only yourself to worry about. No one wants to be away from their kid but this would also ensure he does his part to. You cant keep going 100 miles per hour without crashing, it’s time to put yourself and the baby first.
NTA he doesn’t consider looking after his own child as his fair share of work. Like this is not a man you want to be married to. If you divorce he will either give you full custody and pay child support or split custody and you will end up with less work.
There was a post here about a man who was convinced his wife couldn’t cope if she divorced him and update was all about how he couldn’t cope parenting his kids and keeping up with housework and desperately wanted his wife back. Be that wife OP.
NTA. How these situations go is; the one who works less outside the home, does more work inside the home (cleaning, grocery shopping, etc), but everyone splits the childcare 50/50. I would start with bringing up you're not happy and think you two need couples' counseling. If he screams at you again, divorce. You two are no longer compatible and communication has broken down.
NTA. He needs to do his fair share of parenting. With how little he is helping, what is the difference of what you’re doing right now & what you would be doing if you were separated/divorced.
Ditch the deadwood, you can do this on your own. And as a bonus, you wouldn’t need to do his washing either. Win win.
I’d ask him to clarify exactly what qualifies as his “fair share” versus what is yours and see how it looks when he spells it out. Just to see what he says. And then I’d remind him that parenting and partnership is about doing the right thing, not what is fair.
NTA. Tell him-our daughter was not conceived by miraculous conception. That’s 50% of you there. So either you do your 50% of parenting and you and I are a team, or you do your 50% as a single dad. Your choice. You’re doing this to yourself.
He doesn’t want to help his own child? He needs a reality check that divorce he’ll need to take care of your daughter more than just making her dinner. NTA. You’d be the A H to yourself and your daughter if you stayed with this man.
NTA. But divorce takes time. In the meantime you need to accept that he will do nothing but cook. So you need to stop doing a lot of the things you are doing to make his life easier.
Clean your side of the bedroom. Vacuum your side. Not his. Clean the sink or shower before you use them, not after. So that they haven’t been cleaned before he uses them. If you have more than one bathroom just use the other one and leave him with his own dirty bathroom. Do your laundry and your child’s laundry. Don’t do his.