'AITA for leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because of pumpkin pie?'

"AITA for leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because of pumpkin pie?"

My (32f) Mother (60f) hosts Thanksgiving dinner at her house every year. It’s a small event, with my parents, me, my brothers family and my SILs family attending. We avoid family quarrels by implementing a strict “no politics” rule and trying our best to be civil.

I should probably mention that we are not a particularly close-knit family. We rarely see each other beyond these events since my Brother lives in South Africa and I travel a lot due to my work. Thanksgiving is important to my mom since it’s one of the rare times we’re all together.

Anyway, the main problem I have with my mother is her constant critique of me. She has a habit of making passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, from my career to my lack of children to the way I dress.

I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, but she doesn't really seem aware of it. My father claims it is just her way of fussing and expressing that she cares. It does hurt though, because my brother is never criticised in the same manner.

I cannot entirely fault her for her criticism, since I did majorly mess up my life a few months ago (depression) and it has affected her opinion of me negatively. It does not excuse the way I acted, but I just wanted to explain why I left. By the time we finished dinner, I was a bit prickly because of some of her commentary.

I made a cake for dessert. I was explicitly put in charge of it and no one specified what exactly I should make, so I opted for Maple Cheesecake. I did my best and I think it looked okay.

Mum normally makes pumpkin pie, but I really hate pumpkins (they make me gag), so I thought perhaps we could try something new. As I was bringing out the cheesecake, my mom eyed it somewhat warily and announced that she’d decided to make the usual pie as well.

This caught me off guard. I asked why she didn’t tell me beforehand, and she said something like, "Well, we figured you’d do your own thing, so I thought it was best to have a backup." She went on to cut the pie and serve it to everyone, instructing me to leave the cheesecake in the kitchen.

When someone asked to try my dessert, she said "lets not mix too many flavors at once," which just felt passive-aggressive. I know it's immature for an adult to get this upset over a triviality, but I just (politely) refused as she was handing me a slice of pie, retrieved my coat and left.

People were calling after me I think, but by that point I was crying for some reason and it would have been too humiliating to have an emotional outburst in front of everyone for no real reason.

My mom just texted me saying that it was incredibly rude and immature of me to leave like that, especially on Thanksgiving. My brother also sent me a message saying Im acting irrationally. I feel horrible for leaving so abruptly, especially because my parents are getting older and we are already not close. Something about my mother seems to turn me into a neurotic teenager and I hate it. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

ghabda writes:

NTA - You're not close for good reason. Your mom can't even be nice and civil for one evening. Next year decline the invite.

We usually have several kinds of dessert for our holiday meals. Maple and pumpkin go great together. I've had keylime pie and chocolate silk pie at the same time without any issue. Your mother was just being unkind on purpose to undermine you.

You did the right thing by leaving when you felt like you could take no more. You don't need to reply to those texts. They didn't ask a question to reply to. They didn't offer an apology to accept or decline.

So what would you need to reply to? Ignore it and go on with your best life. You deserve peace and kindness at the holidays as much as anyone... your family isn't bringing that. So have Thanksgiving with a friend next year.

aghaoup writes:

That is called years of frustration on your part, and it is totally justifiable, as in "the straw that broke the camel's back." I don't know why, but it seems mothers feel it is okay to be more critical of their daughters than their sons.

This is probably why you don't feel close to her. It does affect your self-esteem, and it is not okay and not fair. Talking with her hasn't seemed to help as you stated she seems to be unaware of her words and actions.

Since you are already fairly low contact with her; if it were me, I would probably talk with a therapist who can help you to find ways to deal with it so that you don't take it so personally. I think you know that your mother won't change as it seems she won't even acknowledge there is a problem.

I would also tell my brother when he is treated like you are then and only then can he express his opinion about it. Most importantly, depression is never anything but a disease and nothing to find fault with yourself or consider that you messed up somehow.

aghoupp writes:

NTA. There's a reason why your family isn't close. Your mother has a real hang-up about you and is quite open about the fact that she expects you to suck it up. Consider that she is a likely source of your depression and she is being totally unsupportive.

Baking a pie is fine, but the real d& move was rejecting your dessert when it was clear that others wanted to try it.

I don't know what you can do, if you refuse to attend gatherings from now on she will have a field day dissing you until her dying breath. But you can't allow her to keep being passive aggressive to you.

Get her one on one and say that she needs to apologise for her rudeness about the dessert, before you will even consider apologising for removing yourself from a hostile situation.

Tell her that you are no longer willing to tolerate a relationship that is so unfulfilling and she needs to tell you just what she really thinks of you, instead of taking bites out of you all the time.

Take charge here, keep the emotion out of your voice and I'll think you'll find that she really doesn't like you at all. This will release you from ever contacting her again. Your brother has no say, he's living half a world away and wasn't even there. If he's so concerned about his ageing parents he can move back home.

firesgighter writes:

You haven't done anything and all the blame rests squarely on your mother. My mom would make statements about my weight, thinking she was being helpful. I finally told her that I didn't like it and to stop.

I think it surprised her, but she stopped. I have a few relatives that have crossed the line with me or just treat me poorly. I had the hard honest conversion with my older cousin when she crossed the line.

She doubled down, and then I made it clear, that I was done. I still see her at family parties, but I have become proactive when dealing with her, so I can control the situation and not them. It might be just walking away from the conversation or just sitting with people I am comfortable.

My suggestion is to have the hard conversation with your mom. Try and use phrases like, when I hear criticism about my weight, I hear that I am not good enough. Avoid saying, when YOU say, I look like I gained weight, that way she doesn't feel like you are criticizing her. This will help you control the conversion.

Make it clear that your feelings we hurt that she made a backup pie and didn't even serve your dessert and that going forward you will not bring any food to any family event. Then set very clear boundaries on what you need from her, to be able to spend time with her.

It won't be easy, and it may do nothing to change her behavior, but it may make you feel better that you stood up and expressed your feelings. Then when she says negative things to you, the simple response can be- Mom you and I discussed this, and I will not be talked to this way and walk away.

I would tell your brother, that maybe you didn't handle the situation correctly, but it was more about more than dessert, plain and simple. You have a different relationship with your mom than he does, and if he can't see that, then that is on him. If he persists, simply tell him, you will not discuss this with him.

Remember- you have every right to feel however you want, and no one can tell you how to feel. You owe no one any explanations on how you feel.