'AITA for leaving my wife without a discussion after I found out she cheated?'
"AITA for leaving my wife without a discussion after I found out she cheated?"
I know that I am not an a*#$%le for leaving a relationship where my partner was unfaithful. That is normal and I would hope everyone respects themselves enough to get out of that situation. This is a touch more complicated.
I fly in fly out for work. I am currently working a contract in Africa. I work for eight weeks then I get four off. So basically I'm gone for two months and home for one.
I have been doing this kind of work for about ten years now. I had a house but I was never there and it didn't make sense to rent it out since I would not have a place to stay when I needed it. So I sold it.
I stayed with my parents and simplified my life to the point where other than my car and one set of formal clothes for weddings)funerals I could carry everything I own in one piece of checked luggage and my carry on.
I met Louise three years ago. We hit it off and started dating. She seemed okay with my lifestyle and it was nice having someone to come home to. We got married last summer. I found out this September she was cheating on me.
When I got home this time I didn't bother leaving the airport. I checked in to the hotel for the night and left the next day for Vietnam. I rented a nice place there for my time off and blocked her on everything. I also contacted a lawyer to start a divorce.
A few people got ahold of me to see what was going on since she didn't know where I was. I told them that we were getting divorced because she was cheating on me. It happens. I'm sad but not ashamed. I didn't screw up.
We never mixed our finances. The only thing that sort of matters is that our apartment was in her name. We wanted to make sure she could take care of everything while I was gone. All our bills were also in her name.
Not my credit cards or anything. Just water, power, internet, stuff like that. I would just give her money to pay all the bills. It was good because then she had her salary to pay for herself on everything else she wanted while I was gone.
The thing is she can't afford that apartment on her salary. I'm back in Africa and won't be home again until just after Christmas. I'm already planning on taking my parents to Europe over New Year's so I won't be bothering to fly back to California next time. I will just have my company fly me to Italy instead.
My ex doesn't have a lot of savings. She makes good money but she likes nice things. I liked her having nice things so I didn't mind subsidizing her life. Now she is stuck in a lease and has a car note that will eat up all her paycheck. Some of our friends think that leaving her in that situation without talking to her isn't fair.
That she only got the apartment because she was counting on my money for the budget. They all acknowledge that she is in the wrong for cheating. But they think I am screwing her over too much by just leaving her like I did. Cold turkey so to speak. Do you guys think I owe her anything more? Am I the a^%$#le?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Curious, how did you find out about the cheating?
Own-Replacement-952 OP responded:
Was told by multiple friends. Verified with PI.
So solid evidence. Three year marriage even in a community property state doubt you'll owe her much if anything.
You’re in California and a man my guess is for 3 years married the courts will give her all your salary and all your retirement . Don’t give her a penny unless court say so. If you want to live in Vietnam and not go back to USA .( depends on your company ) offer her a small One time payment on just say I will Live overseas. My parents ans friends will Visit and you will Get nothing.
Own-Replacement-952 OP responded:
My company is based in Spain. My wages are paid into my bank account overseas. I own a car in the States. My savings are all in European banks. I have a prenup. I guess she can have the car if it comes down to it. Also we got married in the summer of 2023. How is that three years of marriage?
I would talk to your lawyer. She may be entitled to alimony and you may be doing things that give her ammo in the court proceedings.
Own-Replacement-952 OP responded:
We have a prenup and I have no assets in the States other than my car. If I end up having to pay alimony I will do so. But I doubt I will.
INFO What do these friends think you should have done? For example, would they be sated if you had looked her in the eye, said “You are a cheater and I’m leaving,” before walking away forever? Or do they feel that you should have done something else?
Own-Replacement-952 OP responded:
Leave her money for food and gasoline. I'm not kidding when I say her salary is just enough to cover the lease on the apartment, car, and a few bills.
Yeah, you didn’t “leave her like you did”. You responded to a decision that SHE made. Sounds like FAFO situation to me. NTA
NTA you don’t owe her a damned thing. The scum she cheated with can pay her bills. She knew exactly what she was risking and did it anyway, she literally fucked around and found out