'AITA for 'letting' my ex and my kids’ half siblings 'be poor' when I could help?'
"AITA for 'letting' my ex and my kids’ half siblings 'be poor' when I could help?"
I have an ex with whom I share two kids (13M & 12M). Our relationship did not work out and we broke up seven years ago. Since I was the financially stable one, she wanted me to have full custody. I have had full custody ever since. She has visitation, but she only uses it intermittently.
Quickly after the breakup, she started dating a guy “with money.” He is from overseas. She quickly got pregnant by the guy and they had a son. The guy did not want to “raise someone else’s kids,” so she moved three hours away and completely stopped seeing our kids for almost two years.
It turns out the guys’ money was actually family money, and when his conservative family found out about my ex and the baby, they cut them off. Also, their son had some developmental issues. She got pregnant again and a few months later, her BF left and returned to his home country. She is now 6-ish months pregnant with no job and taking care of a special needs kid.
She called me last week and asked me for financial help. They are living out of a motel and she is running out of money. I have a lake house about 30 minutes from her. She asked if she could stay there. I said “no.”
She asked if I would send her money, I said, “no.” She called me an AH. She said that I am letting “my family” suffer unnecessarily when I have the means to help. I told I have no obligation to help. We have been arguing ever since. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Make sure she can't break into the lake house. NTA
House is quite secure. It is locked up, in a gated community with 24/7 security, and I have cameras.
Is there any reason to communicate with her at all? Why have you been "arguing ever since"? She isn't calling about the children she abandoned, so why are you entertaining a conversation with her at all? She can only argue with you if you let her.
JayFreeman1970 OP responded:
She still has visitation rights with our two kids. So, I cannot straight up block her.
Have you ever contacted your lawyer when she moved and dropped contact with your kids? It might be a good idea, protect your children from this on and off relationship. It's not heating emotionally.
Basically was told that it is virtually impossible to remove visitation rights without some evidence of abuse.
Little bit the AH in my opinion. Yes you don’t have any obligations to her and I would not send her any money. But letting her use your lake house if you are not using it currently I would think that is just helping someone in need.
Of course it should be temporary but it might be the hand she needs to get out of that situation. Also might be a good example to your kids. It is still their mom. Even if she did not show any interest, your kids still might love her.
JayFreeman1970 OP responded:
My kids are annoyed by her when she calls or shows up for visitation.
Understandable given she clearly never really has shown an interest. Still to me I would see how I can help but I don’t know your history ofc.
Has she been keeping up with her child support payments? Is she using the children as emotional blackmail?
JayFreeman1970 OP responded:
She is intermittent with payments, but they are tiny payments. Not worth even going to court to fight about when she misses. They are less than what my lawyer charges for an hour.
There's got to be more to this. OP you seem like the kind of guy who's great at making himself look like the good guy and someone else seem cartoonishly bad. Not surprised that your kids hate your ex - they're getting their info from you.
Sure, you don't HAVE to let her stay in your unoccupied fancy lake house but maybe consider what your kids will think of you when they get older and you cant manipulate the story to them and they realize you let their mom be homeless and then you made yourself feel better by getting a bunch of teenagers with no life experience on the internet to agree with you.
JayFreeman1970 OP responded:
What info are they getting from me? I never discuss their mother, other than telling them to be respectful to her and when she was calling/coming by.
NTA. You have responsibilities to your kids (as did she, but she doesn't have custody so let's say that's not part of this particular question). You do not have responsibility to your ex or any other kids she has.
She can call you anything she wants. She's your ex. You can facilitate visitation, or anything else that's for the benefit of your two children, but it's more than reasonable to say no to anything else. She needs to chase the other kids' father (or other family) down for their support, if she can.
DON'T GIVE HER A DIME! There are people, usually male, who covered ONE SINGLE BILL, once, for an ex's new and totally unrelated children and end up paying child support, for the UNRELATED child of their ex, until they turn 21. BEWARE. Unbelievable as it is this actually happens.