'AITA for letting my wife be a stay-at-home mom for our newborn?' 'My parents have always been very opinionated.'
"AITA for letting my wife be a stay at home mom for our newborn son?"
My (28M) wife (26F), Ava, gave birth to our first child, Dominic, 5 weeks ago. I'm the breadwinner of the two of us and we could happily live off my salary and our savings. I used to be a response officer in the police force but after I got injured during a call to a knife incident a month after my wife became pregnant, I moved to a higher paying desk job.
I didn't get badly hurt but I could have and I didn't want to leave my wife alone with our unborn child so I switched to a safer position. Ava has been worried about putting Dominic in nursery (or daycare in America) because of something that happened to her sister's daughter while at nursery.
After some discussion, we decided it would be best for Ava to be a stay at home mum for Dominic. I'm completely on board with this and like that he is being cared for by someone I know. My parents came to visit last week. I should add that they have always been very opinionated people.
This was their first time seeing Dominic because I knew they would have a problem with everything and I wanted us to have a hand on parenting to try and lessen that. As I suspected, they had an issue with everything. We were holding him wrong, we weren't feeding him enough, he wasn't sleeping enough, etc.
They've never liked Ava because they don't see animation as a proper job or because she didn't finish high school or whatever other reason they can think of. I mentioned in passing that Ava would quit her job after her maternity pay ends and stay at home with Dominic. My mom flew off the handle at me calling me misogynistic and other such insults.
When I explained our reasons for preferring not to send him to nursery, they turned to Ava calling lazy and telling her it’s the 21st century and the man shouldn't be the only one having to work in the house. They started calling her a gold digger (which is ridiculous, I'm financially comfortable but by no means rich) and calling her fears about leaving Dominic at a nursery to be an attempt to slack off at home.
They flat out said that they feel bad for Dominic having to grow up with someone like her as his mother. That crossed the line. I shouted at them to leave and sort themselves out if they ever want anything to do with their grandson. My mum started crying big crocodile tears saying she just wanted what was best for Dominic. I didn't buy it and kicked them out.
All week Ava and I had endless messages from my parents and siblings calling me misogynistic and that I should know better than to let a "lazy gold digger" stay home while I do all the work.
This has really upset Ava and has ruined her experience of being a mother for the first time. She's been saying maybe it's best if she does go back to work after maternity leave. I completely disagree and have blocked my family but that hasn't stopped my sisters from coming round while I'm at work to pester Ava. This has been bugging me all week. Am I the ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
cascadia1979 said:
NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong here but your family certainly has. You were right to block them but you need to lay down the law, perhaps literally, to your sisters: they need to stop harassing Ava. Coming over to pester her is unacceptable.
You should tell them the next time one of them does that, you’re getting your colleagues involved. Your family members are not to speak to Ava and they’re not to visit Ava.
Maybe in a few months or years you can lower the boundaries a bit, especially if they are remorseful and truly apologetic. But they need to know that right now there will be legal consequences if they do not leave Ava alone.
Individual_Ad_9213 said:
NTA. Whatever living choices you and your wife make in terms of your family, who works, who (if anyone) stays at home, and the like is entirely your business. No one, absolutely no one, should get involved or opine unless they've been asked for their input.
You'd be completely in your rights to cut off all contact with them; and to make any future interactions contingent on them keeping their unwanted opinions to themselves.
NoirFaylin said:
NTA, man. You stood up for your wife and kid, that's what matters. Family should respect your choices and not meddle. Stick to your decision and keep supporting Ava. Boundaries are crucial here; don't let them ruin this special time for you both.
Dull-Assistance1910 said:
NTA. Every young parent has been there. When you first start your family, your own parents (who still think of you as children, and have a lifetime of experience caring for babies) will inevitably think "you're doing it wrong." Some of us are blessed to have parents who are able to hold their tongues. Others are not.
Your parents were way out of bounds. Young families need time to settle in to their new reality. Your desire, along with your wife, to have her stay home to care for your new baby is admirable, and truly, none of your parent's business.
We don't talk a lot about this as a society, but this is the time when a young man truly becomes independent. Your duty now is to separate yourself (emotionally, that is) from your parents and dedicate your love to your wife and child. If you're parents can't take it, that's on them.
Ok_Kangaroo_1873 said:
NTA. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids when the first was born. We did an analysis of the costs of a nursery/day care and determined she would need a minimum of $60k a year to cover those costs versus staying at home. At the time, she could only find a local job paying about $45k based on her education back then. So it made financial sense for her to be a SAHM.
favKatie said:
NTA. Your parents sound less concerned about “what’s best for Dominic” and more about stirring drama. Supporting your wife to be a stay-at-home mom isn’t misogyny—it’s teamwork. Tell your family to take their outdated opinions and babysit their egos instead.
hollyjazzy said:
NTA. If you can afford it, and your wife wants to, by all means she can stay at home. Your family sounds awful, and abusive. I’m glad you threw them out after they were so nasty to Ava. Perhaps time to go LC or NC with them, including your sisters. Let your sisters know that they are not welcome, that they’re trespassing and will be reported to police.
If they continue to harass your wife, a protection order maybe required. Your wife has just given birth and doesn’t need this aggravation and harassment. This should be a special time for her, to bond with your son and to learn all about who he is.