'WIBTA if I limit my parents future time with their grandchild after they suddenly and unexpectedly withdrew their help?'
"WIBTA if I limit my parents future time with their grandchild after they suddenly and unexpectedly withdrew their help?"
TL;DR: my out of state parents packed their bags and left my wife alone with newborn the day after my surgery, seemingly as punishment because they felt slighted. Now I have to mediate.
Backstory: This happened a couple weeks ago. I (33m) just had a serious heart surgery and will be recovering from until early Feb. My parents, who live out of state, upon hearing of this surgery, quickly invited themselves over that week, saying they would stay with my wife the entire week (Sunday to Sunday) to "help out around the house, see and help with the new baby, and to see me in the hospital".
"Great" i thought. The baby is a two person job and the help will make her life easier that week. From here in going to state the timeline, my surgery was on Tuesday.
Tuesday night (day of my surgery): My wife comes home from the hospital where she was most of the day and goes upstairs to pump for the baby. She did not greet my parents when she got home as she was emotionally exhausted and in pain from not pumping the entire day.
My parents feel slighted she didn't even say hi and after 20 minutes go and hand her the baby, which she takes off their hands with no problem and this ends the night.
Wednesday 2pm (the stupid drama day): My wife is leaving the hospital after seeing me choke on a breathing tube in the ICU for 3 hours and she received a text from my father "hey, i will be at the hospital and (his wife, my step mom) is leaving and will stay at (my stepsisters place) tonight.
My wife: "okay then I will need to ask my mother to come over and help tonight." So my wife drove far to pick up her mom (who doesn't drive but was thankfully able to help).
My dad tried calling her during her drive but she did not pick up the calls. This infuriated my parents i think so during this car ride they decided they would be not coming back for the rest of the week. Opinion: I assume this is the Petty Olympics and they were going for gold metals, at the expense of my newborns care and well being.
Anyways. when she got to our house my parents bags were packed and they told my wife they will be staying the rest of the week at my little sisters and would not be helping my wife with the baby.
Thursday: my breathing tube is out and im in serious pain. my dad stays with me in the hospital until 2 am. I heard about this and pretty much just grill him as to why he left and what went wrong and that this is not what the week was suppose to go like.
I am mad, he is x military and I told him he abandoned his post. He cannot explain his actions except for pointing to Tuesday where my wife did not say hi. He realizes he messed up and just apologizes completely, that he wants to see his granddaughter. I told him to just stay with my stepsister the rest of the week like he decided. That he made this decision, not anyone else, etc.
Conclusion: I told my dad that I am mad and will not be talking with him until after my recovery (which he respected). My wife is just going to follow my lead. My biological sister (who my step mom black steeped out of that side of the family) wants me to cut him off like she did.
My actions: I just tell him and his wife he can't be trusted with care of his grandchild and that his interaction with her must be supervised and therefore limited. I can't trust them with care because they might just randomly leave. They can't attribute non action as malice and need to give my wife respect.
Also, I don't know how they attributed so much malice to my wife's actions that they just pack and leave. Everyone loves my wife and she is the sweetest thing (that sometimes won't pick up a call i guess). Are my actions unreasonable or should I just try to drop this whole thing?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Honestly your sister seems to have the right idea. It Honestly sounds like they really didn't want to help but more so wanted to gawk at the baby a little and be treated as guests, they didn't actually want to help. She didn't say hi, dear god, what if she had diarrhea? She needed to pump and she was emotionally drained. It happens. NTA.
Also she didn't answer the phone while taking a long drive....for what? What did your dad want? Did he just expect for your wife to just be without help and not call her mom? Sounds like it. Did they think they would visit the baby and go home without helping? People don't answer the phone sometimes and it wasn't an emergency.
More than that, it's dangerous to answer your phone when driving. They want her to risk her health to be immediately available to them on demand. They dumped in, putting expectations of being cared for on someone they were meant to be helping. They have the emotional maturity of a wet sock and owe sincere apologies to OP and his wife.
NTA. They abandoned your family when you are recovering from serious surgery and your wife is trying to balance caring for a newborn and supporting a very ill hospitalized husband because your wife, dealing with new-mom-brain, engorged breasts, worry about you, and exhaustion, didn't say "Hi."
Wow. How incredibly petty! Instead of giving your wife a little grace and support, they flounce off in a huff. I think you should follow your sister's advice.
You allowed step-monster to black sheep your little sister out of the family, your father allowed himself to be manipulated AGAIN by step-monster to abandon your family during an extremely trying time, and you want to continue a relationship at all?
I would detail to your father how highly manipulated he’s been and cut him off until he’s able to get his balls back from his wife. NTA. But ugh you will be if you allow them to endanger your family at all.
They probably expected your wife to play hostess and wait on them, something completely unreasonable after her giving birth and tending a very tiny new human being. Add to your DW’s stress, you were in hospital having some very serious surgery. I doubt I would have said ‘hi’ and fawned all over them had I gone through what DH had.
Your parents seem very immature and petty. They let you and your little family down, couldn’t handle so much as a week to help. It would be a long time before I spoke to them or invited them back. Period. Your response was excellent.