'AITA for not working with the father of my children to make his and his wife's relationship with the kids better?'
"AITA for not working with the father of my children to make his and his wife's relationship with the kids better?"
I (36f) have 9 year old boy/girl twins with my ex (40m). We were together for three years and when he got me pregnant he left me to go back to his ex-wife (39f), who it turns out was still legally his wife.
For context. When we met he told me he was divorced and he had friends who backed him up. He never gave any vibes that would make me think otherwise and he seemed like a devoted partner and we had talked about marriage and kids.
He told me he wasn't close to his family but his friends were like his family and I bought that too. They were around us enough. The truth came out when I was 5 months pregnant.
He told me it wasn't working and he wanted us to co-parent instead. I found out within weeks that he was "back together" with his ex-wife and they supposedly remarried.
But they were never divorced. I don't know if they had broken up and separated over her not having kids or whether there was a plan to get kids some other way. But she couldn't have kids and they acted like the twins were going to be theirs.
They tried to force me to let her be present at the birth. I found out he was close with his family and they had no idea he'd been with me. There was a mess with them that I only know a fraction of because I met these people twice. My ex said they'd happily raise the babies together and I could call once a year and I said no.
I didn't invite him to the hospital to see them being born but I did notify him via text that the twins were born. I had a lawyer by the time I delivered the twins so I was working with her to get the best outcome because I knew they'd fight me for custody.
I communicated with him only through text and email at first. And for the first year the twins remained with me despite CPS being called (and I know it was them) and them trying to get full custody in court, which the judge rejected.
50-50 custody was established once the twins were one. But it was hell. There were a lot of attempts to make decisions they legally could not make without me, and I had to document that.
They called her mommy around the twins, encouraged her to have this "special bond" with the twins and even sent videos of her being with the twins and claiming them as hers. They constantly tried to push for more time. A few minutes or hours. I had to be firm and set clear boundaries and point out the custody order.
When the twins were 5 after a lot of parental alienation and attempts to take over as "the parents" my ex lost custody for a while and was only allowed supervised visits.
There was some back and forth regarding that because every time he'd progress to every other weekend they would be back to their old ways and trying to influence the kids to call her mommy and attempting to essentially steal the kids from me. By the time the twins were 7 he was back to 50% custody. But the twins relationship with them was not good.
This has been a problem for two years now and he has told me about it via email a few times. But has asked me for help lately. My ex complains that the kids are rejecting them and especially rejecting his wife.
He mentioned how they wanted to sit in on a therapy session with the kids, since I have them in therapy, but the kids said no to his wife being there and how they act like they don't know her and they don't listen to her. I have refused to help him and work with him on this. He sent some strongly worded emails about us needing to work together for the sake of the kids.
I admit a part of me is so happy about it after all they put me through and how they tried to take my kids, after using me the way I was. I wish my kids didn't have to see them at all. I know all of this might make me TA though because it's about the kids. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
To me, it sounds like this could have actually been planned out. She can't have kids. He finds a girl, friends back up the story he's divorced. She gets pregnant, he goes back to wife and they try to take away the kids through the system. They are the type of people to lie and manipulate to try and get the kids, not too far fetched they didn't hatch a plan to begin with.
Entire_Ad_6210 (OP)
I feel like that's a likely possibility too. I can't say for absolute certainty but it seems too perfect to not be that way.
Girl, you are NOT the AH. Your ex and his wife sound like a nightmare! They treated you terribly, and it's no surprise their relationship with the twins is strained. You don't have to help them fix their mess.
Focus on supporting your kids and making sure they feel safe and loved. Maybe family therapy could help everyone navigate this, but don't feel pressured to be their best friend after all they've done. You deserve peace!
NTA. He used you like a brood mare. I feel so sad for those kids.
Entire_Ad_6210 (OP)
He did and I fell for every lie he told me. He was pretty good at planning it all too.
Hell to the no! They have literally created this situation and they've spent 7 years creating it! Tell him they weren't interested in "working together" when they were trying to erase their mother from their lives.
Do people really think kids don't eventually figure out what's going on? I wish your kids therapist would tell the judge that it would be best NOT to have these two slimeballs in their lives at all!