'AITA for making my stepmother cry in front of her family?' 'She can't have bio kids.'
"AITA for making my stepmother cry in front of her family?"
My (16m) mom died when I was 5. When I was 8 my dad remarried. He started dating my stepmother a year before and he talked to me and my sister (24f) about it before. He told us we didn't need to see our stepmother as a new mom or even a mom figure if we weren't comfortable.
But if we could be respectful and give her a chance to be something. He told us if there was anything off he wanted to hear that too. We gave our blessing while also saying we didn't want her to be 'new mom' and dad said he supported that and would make it clear to her. They got married and things seemed okay. Dad never called her our mom or anything and she...didn't really.
There were times she called us her kids and she'd try to do some of the mom things like Mother's Day activities or sometimes we'd have stuff a parent-kid sports day and she'd want to go instead of dad since "most kids have their mom." But dad would gently remind her that she wasn't mom.
My sister and stepmother had a really rocky and rough relationship and they don't speak much. My sister tolerated her for dad after the wedding more than anything. But at first she was okay with her. She just hated that she didn't accept the no-mom role.
We spent after school with our grandparents until dad got home (he'd finish work before my stepmother). So she wasn't doing all the mom stuff. She did offer to quit her job to do it or to go to part time or something but dad and her talked and he asked if she'd be okay doing all that and not getting recognized equally. So she kept her job but still tried to fill the mom role sometimes.
My dad and her started trying for kids and they ended up going to fertility doctors and stuff. Even when that was happening she still tried to fill that role for me. But I still don't want her to be mom. The problem now is, she can't have bio kids. Nothing can help.
Dad has been comforting her about it. But now she has decided that I could let her adopt me and we could work on changing our relationship. I said no when asked and told dad. He decided they needed couples therapy.
We were at her family's house Sunday afternoon and they were talking to her about the infertility stuff and she had mentioned she still has one kid aka me, and that we were maybe making that official and even if we didn't, she was still mom to someone.
It annoyed me and my dad wasn't in the room at the time. And I said no. Her family all looked at me and I said she isn't my mom and we'll never make it official because it's not true. She started crying hard and my dad heard and came in and he brought us home. They got into a big fight that night and my dad told me I did nothing wrong but she said I humiliated her in front of her family. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Organic_Start_420 said:
NTA she humiliated HERSELF counting on you not standing up for yourself.. she's an aH you have 0 to feel guilty about op.
CleoJK said:
Also, she wouldn't have been embarrassed in front of her family, if she hadn't said that in front of her family...There is nothing like a bit of family pressure to add to something that's already had a very clear answer. Your step mum put herself in this position, hopefully therapy will help her. NTA.
Frankensteins_Kid said:
NTA. She KNEW coming into this marriage that the mom role is off the table. She probably thinks "They're kids. I can change their mind if I force it hard enough".
I'm sorry for her that she couldn't have her own kids. But you & your sister are not obligated to play into her happy family fantasy. The mom title is not something that she is owed based on how many "mom-like activities" tokens she collected.
It's 100% up to the kids. I'm glad your dad stood up for you on this. I've read a lot of redditors prioritising their new lover/spouse over their kids. Good dad.
Fragrant-Customer913 said:
Go dad for not pushing this woman on you as your mom. He seems to get that just because she’s his wife that she isn’t your fill-in mom. At 16, you are old enough to have an opinion. Your opinion is you don’t want to be adopted by her. It sounds like she put you in an uncomfortable spot and she messed around and found out. I think she did it hoping if you were cornered you would agree. NTA.
Visual-Lobster6625 said:
NTA - she embarrassed herself by lying to her family. All you did was tell the truth. It's not your job to perpetuate her lies. Also, you are not an emotional support child for your stepmother's infertility issues.
Crzy_Grl said:
NTA but I really feel for your stepmom. She seems to have good intentions, and i wonder if your dad even loves and appreciates her. She must feel so alone, if nobody is in her corner. I think all of you need to have some empathy and compassion for each other.
princessmem said:
NTA. You did nothing wrong. She was told from the beginning, and throughout that, she's not mum. There's plenty of children out there that would give anything for a family, so maybe she could look down that route? Constantly pushing your boundaries, though, is not going to end well.