Man becomes 'indifferent' toward his wife after discovering affair, 'I gathered all the evidence.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?"

My (30M) wife (34F) and I have been together for 8 years, 5 of them married. I thought we were the kind of couple that could tell each other any problem. I loved her deeply and always believed she felt the same way about me. Like many couples, we had our ups and downs, but I never thought it could lead to infidelity.

4 months ago, I started noticing changes in her behavior. She was more distant, always glued to the phone and avoiding our conversations, you know the typical thing about a cheating person.

Well one day, I came across a message on her phone that confirmed what I feared the most: she was seeing someone else. It was like a punch in the stomach. I felt anger, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of betrayal.

But instead of confronting her right away, I decided to wait. My main reason was to protect myself in a possible divorce. If I was going to face this situation, I wanted to have solid evidence, so I spent the next two months gathering messages, photos, and anything else I could use if things got legally difficult.

During those two months, I pretended normality while the pain piled up. I watched her act like everything was fine, and with each passing day, my feelings for her faded. The love I once felt was replaced by indifference. If anyone says that love for someone doesn't go away, well, it's not entirely true. When I finally gathered all the evidence, I confronted her.

I showed her everything I knew, and although she tried to deny it at first, she finally admitted that she had been having an affair. She said it was a mistake, that she still loved me, and that she wanted to work things out. But by then, I didn't feel anything anymore. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't even get angry.

I simply told her that it was okay, that we could get a divorce, and that we could each move on with our lives. My lack of emotion baffled her. She said my indifference was cold and cruel, and that if I had truly loved her, I should have fought to save our marriage, which was ironic coming from her.

But the truth was that I did love her, very much. Only after two months of living with the betrayal in silence, I just didn't care. AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

TheRealOneMexicanTwo said:

NTA, remember this "The only reason she's sorry is because she got caught."

1indaT said:

NTA. The indifference you are feeling is probably a defense mechanism. Don't be surprised if you have a lot of different emotions. Good luck, op.

curvybabyrae said:

NTA, You're not the ahole for feeling indifferent after discovering your wife’s affair. Betrayal often causes emotional detachment, and after carrying the pain for months, it’s natural your feelings faded. Her accusation of coldness is ironic, given her actions.

You're not obligated to fight for the marriage when trust is broken. Your response is a valid reaction to the situation. Take care of yourself as you move forward.

DCHacker said:

She is your typical cheater: manipulative and gas lighting. NTA.

NoImagination7892 said:

NTA. She's at fault and projecting it on you.

prettyy_Selinaazz said:

NTA. The pain and betrayal of infidelity can profoundly alter feelings. It's understandable that your love turned to indifference after months of carrying the secret and watching her deception. Your response might not be what she expected, but it's a valid reaction to her actions.

MINI UPDATE:

I'm doing this mini update because many of you asked me to give one, but I'm lazy today, so don't expect a long one. Well, for starters, the divorce is in progress. The notice was delivered to her at one of her friends' houses, since the house we live in is mine, from my mother's side. Moving on to the divorce, she didn't take it well and called me to tell me that she would contest it, that we weren't getting a divorce.

I didn't say anything, I just hung up because it bothered me to hear her voice at that moment. I read comments that say indifference is a way to protect yourself from strong emotions, and they were right. After a couple of days, I started thinking about the time invested in my marriage and I really got angry.

For her, eight years of relationship was nothing to open her legs to another jerk. For those curious, her lover is someone older, maybe 40 or 47, and he has a wife and kid. I don't care if the idiot has a heart attack or something; my soon-to-be ex and that guy are just trash that came out of the same landfill.

Sorry, I was getting angry as I was writing, so I took some time to calm down. Back to my soon-to-be ex, I really don't care if she decides to contest the divorce; she's just making things harder for herself, since all of our assets are separate, including the house where I live.

For the moment, that's all I can share with you. Thanks for your advice, and to all of you who commented that I should work things out with her, screw you. You don't decide for others, you just show that you have problems. I'd rather divorce a thousand times than stay with a traitor with no morals.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the mini update:

ArtisticRiskNew1212 said:

Tell the wife of her lover. NTA still, good luck on your divorce. She’s a cheating POS.

LandofDonkey said:

NTA – indifference is the ultimate power move. She made her choice, and now you’re making yours, with a coolness that probably stings more than any argument would. Contesting a divorce from a house she doesn’t own? That’s next-level denial right there. Keep calm and let her handle the consequences of her own choices.

gloriousgwendolyn said:

NTA. You're right to protect yourself and your peace after discovering something so hurtful, and it sounds like you're handling things as calmly and methodically as possible under the circumstances. Indifference is often a way to reclaim control over your emotions and shield yourself from more pain especially when your trust has been shattered like this.

DetroitSmash-8701 said:

NTA. Sounds like you're just over her at this point which may be where the indifference stems from. Yeah, you'll have moments here and there, but for the most part, you're just done. Best of luck going forward.

UPDATE:

Wow... honestly, I didn't expect the number of messages I've received in the last few hours. I apologize for not responding to the comments, but rest assured, I am reading them. My inbox is filled with hundreds of replies, and I'm truly surprised by the support and the number of people who took the time to share their experiences and opinions.

At first, I felt overwhelmed reading so many stories from people who have gone through similar situations, some even worse. I never imagined that so many people could relate to what I'm going through. I guess it's eye-opening to see that infidelity is more common than I thought.

And yes, there were also comments that made me question if I disconnected emotionally too quickly, but after reflecting, I believe I did what I needed to do to protect myself. Some people told me I should have tried to save the marriage, but the truth is, I don't think I could have.

The betrayal felt like a wall that went up between us, and once I saw everything clearly, there was no way to go back to what we had. It's not that I don't want to love or be loved, it's just that the chapter with her is over for me. Does that make me cruel? I don't know, but it's my truth.

One of the most impactful things was seeing how many people are stuck in relationships where trust has been broken and they don't know how to move forward. To everyone who asked how I'm doing it... I don't have a definitive answer. For me, it was a slow process, day by day, watching the love fade until it was just gone.

There were also some messages from people in my wife’s position, those who had made mistakes but genuinely wanted to make things right. It made me think... what would have happened if I had confronted her before my feelings faded? Maybe things would have turned out differently, but honestly, I don’t think so. Once trust is broken like that, it’s nearly impossible to go back to what it was.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who shared their words, whether they were supportive or critical. You've given me a lot to think about, and I'm grateful for that. I'm processing all of this little by little, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that, for the first time in months, I feel like I can breathe and look forward without the weight of what happened. Thanks again.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Unhappy_Wishbone_551 said:

Divorce is the right decision. That level of lowness isn't something worth trying for.

PuddleLilacAgain said:

She made her own choices. Best luck going forward, OP.

Final-Success2523 said:

NTA don’t be pressured to have fixed thing with that cheater. Cheating is my biggest deal breaker and you can’t put a relationship back together with glue. So good luck in the divorce and find a better wife who won’t cheat.

hi5jennn said:

I think you did the right thing. you looked out for yourself just like she did. Now for the women that projected onto you because they relate to your soon to be ex wife since they cheated on their spouse as well, why don't you take responsibility? do you think anyone with 2 brain cells and self respect will just be like "you cheated with my brother i forgive you!" like in what delusional world do you live in?

TerrorAlpaca said:

Honestly I think you're actually more in shock and survival mode than having lost all emotions already. Those will come later when the separation or even divorce are permanent. Then the emotions might overwhelm you and you start to grief what you had.