'AITA for not wanting my wife to go on vacation?'
"AITA for not wanting my wife to go on vacation?"
An opportunity has arisen for my wife to go to the beach for a week in October with her friend. She asked if I was ok with her going, to which I originally responded (honestly) that I was not ok with it.
We have a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Daycare opens at 6:30am, which is also when I need to be at work. So my wife usually drops them off, and I'll pick them up after work since I get off earlier than she does.
She works one full time job, that has allowed her to work 2 days from home each week because of our infant, and then has weekends off. I work a full time job during the week, and a part time job on the weekend. (So effectively I have no days off.)
My wife gets up in the mornings and gets the kids ready, and usually gets up with the baby at night as well, as she gets more days off/ at home. Were she to take vacation, this would of course all fall on me. I could probably manage to be late to work all week without issue, as long as I stayed later to make up for it.
I told her I was uncomfortable with her leaving for so long. I understand needing a break from the kids, but there's a difference between me watching them for a day so she can relax and her straight up taking a whole spring break.
Not to mention, she also has a 3 day work trip at the end of this month that will put us in the same scenario. It's a lot for one person, and originally, I did not want children. Granted, I love them more than anything now, but ultimately, I feel like this is the life she chose for herself and she knew what she was getting herself into.
I don't want to deny her the opportunity per se, but I don't know of many mothers who leave for that long by themselves with such a young one at home, and I feel like she's being a little entitled.
She responded that she's not being entitled because she's just asking me to do what she does every day. She feels like I'm telling her that she can be a mother and nothing else. I don't think this is true, I think I'm just asking her to be a mother FIRST.
I know she does a lot as a mother, and I appreciate it greatly, but admittedly I do not feel like I'm capable of doing what she does every day. I do not get the days off/ home that she does, and I honestly don't have the patience I should with the infant.
After much back and forth, I begrudgingly told her that she could go and that I would just figure it out, and if I absolutely had to, I would take PTO from work to make sure the kids are taken care of.
She said not to worry about it, she just won't go. I don't want her to be bitter about it, because I completely understand needing a vacation, especially from kids/ family, and have offered alternatives, like watching them for a weekend so she can do as she pleases, to which she was not very receptive. Am I the as$hole ?
Later, he edited the post to include:
Edit: people seem to be hung up on the 'this is the life she chose for herself' part. I do not say this to say that she deserves more of the burden of parenting. A lot of assumptions suggest that I do not parent while she slaves away. I feed and bathe and father my kids as well.
It is a team effort, but taking over her share while working 60 hours a week is overwhelming af. When i say she chose this for herself, I mean that getting things her way on her own time becomes much less reasonable, and i feel like she refuses to accept this, or is largely unwilling to compromise when it comes to giving up things she wants.
Another Edit: I have no problem being a father. That's not the issue. In fact, last year before I switched to my current jobs, there was a good 8 to 10 months where I worked at night, and kept our toddler during the day to save on daycare costs.
It was great. Who doesn't want to watch Bluey all day? I CAN do what she does every day. I CANNOT do what she does AND what I do everyday.
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say about this one:
Thick_Skin_5746 said:
When will people learn that there is no compromise if one person in a relationship doesn’t want children. That being said how much childcare do you actually do? From your post it sounds like your wife does the bulk of it and works full time. So she’s on duty 7 days a week.
Betzschaba said:
NTA. You have 0 days off, and probably are working like 60 hours per week or more. Sometimes parents cannot take breaks and this applies to your wife too. Parenting is about sacrifices and if she was the one pushing to have more kids, she have to do some sacrifices too (also you both are responsible for the kids, no matter who ask for them).
Pauscha580 said:
NTA. So what I'm reading is, she gets the kids up, ready and drops them at daycare. You both go to work, two days of which she does from home. You pick the kids up and care for them until she gets home at which point you mostly take the toddler and she mostly takes the infant.
She is home with the kids on the weekends and you have another weekend job. I don't understand how the duties are unbalanced. I do know that it is possible to get tired enough to forget the work the other spouse is doing and that sounds like whats going on here. After she gets back I really think you should take a vacation so that everything stays balanced.
KeqingBish said:
NTA - You work 7 day weeks, out of home, she works hybrid full time - essentially meaning that she commutes 3 days and then your partner doing more with the kids balances out the fact you commute 4 more days and work 2 entire days on top of her professional workload.
People say being a parent is a job, and it absolutely is not a job, it is a chosen commitment, as much as it is unfair, if you choose to have children - you don’t get to just vanish for a week and dump the entire set of children responsibilities on your partner while they continue to work literally every day of the week in addition to anything they already do at home.
It’s insane to me that people are claiming YTA - I can’t get behind going on a solo trip while I have a family that includes a 7 month old baby and a partner that is working 7 day weeks. If you’re responsible enough to have the child, you need to be responsible enough to follow up on EVERYTHING that entails basically for life.
A family holiday or a couples getaway with organized childcare would be a different story, but two solo trips away in 3 months with a child that’s around 6 months old is completely self indulgent and entitled.
BoundPrincess84 said:
YTA. These are your children, right? If she can do this everyday, you can do it for a week. I think it's too late for her to not be bitter though. You basically told her that she can't go on vacation because you can't handle doing what she does every single day.