Man breaks up with a single mom after seeing a photo of her kids, 'maybe it's my own insecurities.' AITA?
"AITA for breaking things off with a single mom after seeing a picture and learning about her kids?"
So I (24M) met Jasmine (25F) through a coworker of mine at the hospital I work at. The coworker tried to set us up after learning we were both single. We kinda hit it off and we went on a couple of dates and I started to like her. She was pretty, chill and funny and while I knew she was a single mom to two boys, it wasn't necessarily a deal breaker for me.
Around a month into casually dating she showed me a picture of herself and her kids at Christmas. They were cute kids, but they were obviously mixed race. That's how I learned that she had two baby daddies. I asked more about the kids' dad, but she said they weren't really involved and she has to fight to get them involved and to get support from them.
We continued our date at the brewery downtown, and I paid for our meals and drove her home. She asked when we would meet up again and I gave a kinda non-committal answer about being busy this week and letting her know.
After being at home and stewing for a little while, I came to the decision that I don't want to be involved with her even as cool as she is. I'd very obviously not be the kids' father, I'd worry about future baby daddy issues, and I just felt uneasy as I got more invested about actually potentially becoming a stepdad. Maybe it's my own insecurities, but I just couldn't.
I called Jasmine the next day and let her know that I'm no longer interested in dating and we could be friends if she wanted that, but she asked why and I said that I'm just not feeling the chemistry. We spoke for a little while after, but she just gave me a curt goodbye at the end.
Later at work, my coworker came up to me and asked what happened. She heard from Jasmine that I was treating her so gentlemanly and kind and things were going so well until I abrubtly ended it and Jasmine was a little torn up about it.
I once again just said I was treating her nice but I just wasn't feeling the chemistry which was a fib since I was feeling the chemistry, I just had apprehensions about becoming closer to her.
So am I the ahole? Should have I been honest and said why I didn't want to continue things or vocalized my insecurities before breaking things off? I hate that I might've hurt Jasmine's feelings, she really was a sweet girl.
Here's what top commenters had to about to say about this one:
Professional_Long396 said:
YTA, honestly. You should’ve been upfront with her about your concerns instead of just lying. It’s one thing to feel uncertain about becoming a stepdad, but it’s another to just end things without being honest about why.
She deserved that respect, especially since you were getting close. Instead of ghosting or avoiding the real reason, you could’ve had a mature conversation about your fears and insecurities. It would’ve hurt, but at least it would’ve been the truth, and you wouldn’t have left her wondering what went wrong.
xsmolsugar said:
YTA. It’s okay to have concerns about being a stepdad, but your decision to abruptly end things without being honest with Jasmine about your reasons feels unfair to her. She was upfront with you about her situation, and while it’s perfectly valid to not want to take on the responsibility of being involved with her kids...
It’s better to express those concerns openly instead of making up an excuse. Being honest with her would’ve been kinder and allowed her to understand your feelings rather than just leaving her confused and hurt. Everyone deserves clarity in situations like this.
BoomerBaby1955 said:
Keep the reasons for your decision to yourself. Stating your reasoning would serve no purpose. If I were you I’d be more worried about becoming Baby Daddy #3 more than the issues arising from her complicated family history. NTA.
Which_Inspection2060 said:
YTA. It sounds like you were honest about not feeling the chemistry, but I think you owe Jasmine more than that. You had clear reservations about becoming a stepdad and dealing with her kids' situation, which is a valid concern, but it would've been better to communicate that with her instead of giving her a vague reason.
She probably feels confused and hurt because you didn’t explain yourself properly, especially after things seemed to be going well. Being upfront would’ve been more respectful and kinder, rather than leaving her to wonder what went wrong.
highcaliberwit said:
NTA. You don’t have to date and get into a committed relationship with anyone you don’t want to.
ShortMuffn said:
NTA. Don't voice your reasons. Just don't continue with the relationship or whatever you call it. You're allowed to stop pursuing someone for whatever reason.