Man buys house in secret without fiancé's knowledge; 'This isn't financial abuse, this is healthy for our marriage.' AITA?

When this man isn't sure if he's being a bad fiancé, he asks the internet:

"AITA if I Buy a House on My Own Without Including My Fiancé?"

I (32M) have been dating my fiancée (29F) for the 2 years and we got engaged 7 months ago. We plan to get married in Summer 2025. I love my fiancée, and she is a perfect for me.

We have not combined our finances yet, but plan to as soon as we get married. I make significantly more than her, but she is a Surgical Resident and will start making similar to what I make in about 2 years. We live together, and split the expenses where I pay 90%, which is based on how much we make.

Recently, my stock portfolio had been doing great and I decided to sell a part of my portfolio and made decent profits.

I am worried about reinvesting it in stocks and we decided to purchase a home since we plan to get married soon and start a family. My fiancée was also very excited as we would need a nicer house than our current apartment that we rent.

We talked about it, and I offered to purchase the house with the cash I have sitting on the sidelines, and not take a mortgage.

I feel it would be a good financial decision as the current rates are too high, and we could always get a home equity loan in future.

It was all good until I told my fiancée that I would purchase the house and she does not need to contribute anything to it, as she is still paying off her student loans. Of course, I would be on the title and would have the sole ownership.

My fiancée is not ok with this. She says that we will be married, and our marital home should have both of us on the title. Her friend told her that I might be protecting my assets by purchasing the home before marriage, thus making it a premarital asset.

This has bothered her, and she has mentioned that to me. That was not my intention, and I do want our marriage to be successful. I have told her that I do not need to protect anything since we both would be surgeons, and both will make about the same in few years.

However, I feel it is unfair to put her name on the title as I would be paying for the house, and it is risky to put her name even before we get married. I told her that we can revisit this topic after we get married.

As we have started looking for houses, we need to make the decision quickly. I understand her point that she wants to be included in ownership of the house where she would live, and we will grow as family.

However, we are looking to spend more than a million dollars, and it feels wrong to give her half of my earnings and year before we get married. This isn't financial abuse, this is healthy for our marriage. I need advice on what others have done in this situation, and how I can handle it this sensitive situation without hurting my fiancée's feelings?

missk writes:

When it comes to financial decisions, I feel like there are valid points from each side. She doesn't want to be living in a house that she has 0 ownership of, since you could just randomly decide to kick her out at any moment...

and you don't want to put her name on the house because she could randomly decide to dump you tomorrow. Valid concerns, but yeah, you're both trying to cover your asses no matter what you say your intentions were.

But have you considered just...waiting? You say you told her you could revisit the topic once you're married, but in the next sentence you say you're looking for houses already. Why?? You could simply hold off for a year, get married, then buy a house together that she can hopefully also contribute to in some way.

Alternatively, it could be an idea that you buy a house now and agree to add her name to it once you're married. But honestly if neither of you trusts the other enough to do that, why are you even getting married in the first place...?

omi2 writes:

NTA - and the house should be in your name only. You are not married yet - you can add her to the deed if you want after you are married - or she can buy a vacation home for the two of you. Her friend isn't much of a friend IMO.

I've known too many people who blended their finances before marriage and lived to regret it. What you can do is make a will where you leave 50% of the value of the home to your fiance should you pass away before you are married.

Too many things can happen that would lead to a legal nightmare - you pay for the house - it's in your name at least until you are married. It's not a good sign that she would worry about 'marital assets' - you may need a pre nup too.

idin writes:

Wow. I'm sure my opinion will be unpopular to all the women .but I wouldn't combine finances. I would also buy the house on your own without her on the deed. You pay the mortgage, and the rest of the bills get split up, so she pays as close to equal as she can afford. Adjusting as her payscale goes up.

Once you are married, she can be your beneficiary and would receive the home upon your death until you have children, and she would get life tenancy with the children getting the estate after both parents die. I see it as hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

If she insists too much, I would really think about motives. I know a man who combined assets and put their new wife on the deed to a property purchased prior to being married and lost the house and both cars along with most of their retirement fund in a divorce 3 years later because was caught cheating and the judge was not on his side.

I'm not saying he wasn't an asshat for cheating. That's a dick move .but should he really have lost HIS home and retirement fund and mode of transport to allow her to never have to work a real job again. She became a social media " influencer " giving tips on being a homemaker.

With hardly any followers. My wife and I keep everything separate and divide the bills evenly with a joint account for our tax refunds that are used for shared expenses and vacations. Nobody should be a cash cow in a divorce.