Man cancels wedding after fiancée calls him 'small'; 'everything is chaos right now.' AITA?
"AITA for cancelling the wedding after fiancee called me small?"
I (28M) experienced a weird situation with my fiancee (28F). We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 1. We were supposed to get married in April and everything was on track. It has been going on without any major problems and we got along well in general.
One complaint I had was regarding the intimacy. I am similar to a service top (we do not have word for it in straight community so please do not get mad at me). I enjoy giving pleasure and doing foreplay A LOT. However, that started to become a problem later on. She got used to being serviced so much that she did not pay any attention to me.
To be honest, I was not fulfilled. I brought up this topic many times to make the intimacy better but nothing changed. I was her first so considered that she did not know how to approach me and instructed her on what she can do to no avail.
2 weeks ago, I brought this topic again after intimacy. After me pestering her according to her words, she said "well, I would do it maybe if you were not small". That came out of nowhere and surprised me. I am not the biggest guy out there, but I am not bothered by my size.
I cannot change it and born that way so why bother sulking over it, I am confident in myself. I have a decent experience when it comes to intimacy and received positive comments from my old partners. I think that is the main reason I can pull down my pants as if I am 8 haha.
I do not think it was something genuine but told because I was pestering her (again according to her). However, it was such an attraction killer for me. Being hurtful with other person just to dismiss the conversation is shallow in my opinion. Especially if it's something other party cannot change and is body shaming.
Here comes the second killer, she tried initiating intimacy before saying I am sorry when she realized what she said. I rejected her and it has been extremely weird between us that week. We were supposed to be skiing and enjoying each other on that trip.
I gave it a lot of thought about that night and decided on cancelling the wedding and everything. If she can easily make hurtful comments like that just to dismiss communication, I cannot see us having healthy communication in the marriage. The second thing is that, she tried love bombing and intimacy after she realized what she said. That is a huge red flag for me and an instant attraction killer.
I communicated to her about my thoughts and decision to her after our trip. She said I am exaggerating things and being stupid but I have already decided on what to do. I cancelled the wedding related bookings and gave her contributions to her. I lost deposit on some bookings but it's okay.
I would not be exaggerating if I said everything is chaos right now. Both families are trying to understand what happened out of nowhere when we were both invested in marriage. I have no idea about what to say to people. Both of our families are conservative people (especially her family) and I am afraid I'll get a beating if her family learns what happened.
I am sure they'll jump to conclusion that I used their daughter and left her for reasons related to that. I have not dated a girl from my country other than her but I heard cases like that. She has been messaging me and calling me to rethink it but I think this is the point of no return. AITA in this situation?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Billy_of_the_hills said:
NTA. I think you're glossing over the fact that she wasn't willing to satisfy you. If you marry her that's how your whole life will go.
runedued said:
NTA, your fiancée’s actions gave off red flags
runedued said:
NTA, you have the right to break it off at any point and this situation is more than deserving of that reaction.
Western_Ad_9928 said:
NTA be glad you dodged that bullet. She wanted to hurt your pride for no good reason. Try to get over her as soon as possible man, not worth the time crying over someone who doesn't respect you like that.
tallcappy said:
NTA. I wish I had gotten out before getting married. How she is ignoring your needs and essentially gaslighting you is a horrible glimpse into that future. “Believe when people show you who they are the first time.” May you have the strength to weather the storm that is two families and the fallout.
kenakuhi said:
NTA you're being very mature. You've had a recurring issue about a fundamental compatibility topic. You've attempted to talk about it but she keeps brushing you off. She calls your negative emotions due to normal human needs not being met, stupid and an overreaction. And in stead of talking about it like an adult she resorts to insulting your body.
Tell your family that you've realized that you're not compatible long term. Because when there's an issue your communication isn't going anywhere and problems don't get solved. And it's obvious that such a marriage will only lead to misery and resentment for you both.