Man cancels wife's birthday party after she accuses his sister of being a 'leech.' AITA?

"AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech?"

My wife’s birthday party was suppose to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year, it is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else ruining the present surprise.

My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything but the big thing that my wife hate is that my sister has asked for money or help.

We have a shared account and keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I lend her from my account not the shared account.She also pays me back.

So I sent my wife’s present to my sister house and was going to pick them up Thursday. I got a text for my sister saying she got the packages and my wife saw the text.

She made a comment about giving handouts again. She basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending her shit.

She called my sister a leech that can’t get her s together This resulting in argument and I told her that she was holding her birthday present but I am returning them. I am also canceling the dinner party.

Another big argument and I did cancel the plan and asked my sister to return the packages.

My wife is pissed at me and called me a jerk and I told her that this is her own fault.

Let's see what readers thought:

If you are lending (or giving) money to the detriment of your household you’d be an idiot. However, in this case you have a shared account which funds the household so there is no impact.

It’s interesting that your wife opens packages that are sent to you. I’d guess that if you opened her packages she’d be livid (double standards). It suggests she has no boundaries and doesn’t want you to have, not secrets, exactly, but things for yourself. It smacks of a controlling nature.

You‘re NTA for cancelling but you would be if you don’t sit her down and set boundaries.

OP responded:

Lending money doesn’t affect me or the household at all. The biggest expense was around 2000 so her cat could have emergency surgery. She did pay that back.

I truly don’t understand what her problem with me pending moeny that doesn’t affect us at all.

Not to mention me lending money has helped her get her life together. She just finished her nursing course and works at a hospital now.

eaglewye writes:

Perhaps because she wants to be the only pebble on the beach. She somehow sees your sister as vying for your attention, as a competitor. Or she’s just selfish. Or both.

I realise you haven’t written a whole thesis on your marital life and it’s events (please don’t !) but I think she sees you only in context as an extension of her. A possession. You are not an individual just her partner and as such she finds it reprehensible that you would consider doing something for anyone else.

The irony is that by helping your sister she’s now becoming self sufficient and will not be a financial or emotional drain (not saying she was) for the rest of your lives.

candlylan writes:

ESH. You are treating your wife like a child who needs to be punished because she said something that you didn't like.

You are conflating two different issues: the tension between those two, and her birthday.

You should have acted like an adult, and had a calm discussion where you expressed your feelings about wife's comments. Instead, you are being high-handed and patronizing.

Wife and sister's (to a lesser extent) bad behaviour is obvious. Wife should have left the matter between you and sister. Sister should get her act together.