Man confesses, 'I'm in love with my wife's sister and I want a divorce.' AITA? UPDATED
When this man is freaked out over his feelings for his wife's sister, he asks the internet:
"I know this is so wrong but I want to divorce my wife after spending time around her sister?"
My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Our marriage has been horrible for me in the last year. My wife is always angry, negative, lazy and blames EVERYTHING that goes slightly wrong in her life on somebody else except herself.
I'm a very outgoing and motivated person and like to go out a lot. My wife is less outgoing but use to always try make an effort to go out together and have fun. For the past year she hasn't done anything in our marriage.
She is addicted to her phone and tiktok and barely pays attention when I'm talking or we are doing something. We barely go out anymore and if we do she always finds something to get angry at like a waiter taking a little too long.
When we are out eating she is on her phone watching tiktoks and barely communicating with me. She always wakes up moody and angry and destorys the whole vibe. She curses in every other sentence she says and huffs and puffs if she has to do something that normal grown adults have to.
We have also not been intimate for the past 6 months and it doesn't look like something is going to change. I always tell her how much I appreciate her and that I love her and try to do things together.
But she always shuts me down when i suggest doing something because she is 'tired' but then proceeds to watch netflix untill 2 am. She never shows any affection or appreciation towards me.
For the past year I have tried to communicate to her that something needs to change in our marriage but she just gets angry and avoids the conversation instead of talking. It has gotten to the point that I have stopped caring about our marriage and have just been going along and focusing on my personal life and goals.
My wife's sister L has recently gotten out of a longterm relationship and has moved in with us temporarly. L is the complete opposite of my wife. She is happy, vibrant, talks and just fun to be around.
Ever since she moved in we have been spending a lot of time together because my wife doesn't do anything else than watch netflix and talking to her friends on facetime when she is home.
On the rare occasions she is not doing one of these things, she is out with her friends. L is a very active person so we do a lot of activities together. She joins me when I go to the park to get some fresh air, she helps me cook when I'm preparing dinner and even works out with me in my home gym.
I always try to get my wife to tag along with us but she never does. Spending all this time with L has totally changed my mood.
Being around a person that is positive and doesn't complain about every single thing in their life is so refreshing and fun. But don't get the wrong idea, we have never done anything inappropriate, we have just become really good friends that lift eachother up.
The past couple of months since L moved in have made me realize how unhappy I'm in my marriage. Having someone around you that is constantly complaining, cursing and angry drains every bit of energy you have. It's depressing and that's not how I want my life to be.
I want to be with someone positive who shows that they care about me and want to have new experiences together with me. I have tried so hard for the past year to make my marriage work with my wife but I just get shut down.
I don't feel loved anymore and appreciated and I don't want to be in this position anymore. I want to divorce so I can move on with my life and find someone who actually loves me and cares for me. I have officially checked out of my marriage and don't want to turn back anymore.
I'm just not completely sure how I should go about the situation now. I know for a fact that I'm going to get trashed by friends and her family for leaving my wife and that I'm somehow going to come out as the bad guy. I want this process to be as clean as possible, but I'm not sure how.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
greendeath09 writes:
She sounds totally depressed. All of those aversion behaviors point to something internal that is making her not allow herself to feel joy. Seriously sounds like she has some major self worth issues and is trying to escape her reality for some reason.
Get her to counseling, tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want to make her feel loved and she has a part to play with that.
If she flat out refuses any of that, then your choice becomes if you want to live a life that makes you happy, or endure one that is what you know.
Sorry you are going through this, keep in mind people bury traumas DEEP and she may be reliving some trauma that made her shut down, it's the only thing that makes sense, unless she is just a miserable person for chemical imbalance reasons.
Good luck dude, don't bail on the marriage just yet, but start making a plan to have your finances in order if you do need to leave.
poison09 writes:
Marriage is NOT a reason to feel forced to stay with someone if they are draining your mental health. I don't see whats wrong with some of you. You are not tied to be forever unhappy with a person just because you married them.
Mental illness is NOT an excuse to ruin another person's mental health ESPECIALLY when they have communicated that its happening. "In sickness and in health"
"Yeah he's a real keeper" Some of the comments here are just disgusting?? People should NOT have to force themselves to stay with someone they are unhappy with just because they possibly have a mental illness.
People should not be pressured to stay with someone they are unhappy with because they are married. And other people are NOT responsible for taking care of your own personal mental struggles.
If his wife does indeed have depression for example. It is NOT her husbands responsibility to fix that. And if that is too much for him to handle then he has every right to leave and look out for his own mental health.
nmarta09 writes:
It seems like your wife is severely depressed and you have reached your breaking point. Mental health issues are really hard not only on those who suffer from them, but also on their families, especially if the people who are sick don't seek help. I can understand your frustration and it seems like your wife needs a real kick in the butt to change things.
Have you considered separation? Like, give her a time stamp to get her act together, go on meds, start therapy and see a psychiatrist. If she doesn't do anything in the next 4-5 months, then you could think about getting a divorce.
Recovery is a lengthy process (usually meds take a few weeks to really make a difference), but the wife you know and love is still there, she's sick and needs help. Yes, she has neglected you for the past year.
Yes, you have every right to be fed up. Move out, live your life, think about your mental health, check in with her in a few months. This way you will know you have truly tried everything to save your marriage, imo.
kh1003 writes:
It sounds to me like your wife checked out long before you did, judging by her own behaviour. People don’t just drown themselves in cell phone addiction to escape a happy marriage lol.
Trust me I was there. Left the husband and that fixed the issue! I feel bad for the both of you, because you probably both just didn’t communicate your needs effectively, because 99 percent of the time neither partner is, despite thinking they are.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and this couldn’t be truer. So all that being said, this missed connection has resulted in basically a Cold War, and your wife being bitter and not putting any effort in to try anymore.
You’re also quite bitter, judging by the amount of venting you needed to do there. I know too well though, there is always two sides to the story.
So maybe if you don’t want this to get messy figure out why your wife checked out, apologize for that and don’t put all the blame on her like you’re trying to do here.. most adults that have been here, and are being honest with ourselves, know that it always takes two. (Unless it’s just sheer abuse, but this doesn’t sound at all like that)
pschology7 writes:
As someone with 8 mental illnesses, her mental health is not an excuse to treat you like this. But she might be severely dissociated and not realize her harm. I'd say separate but try to encourage her to get into therapy.
She's going to be upset and feel like she can get another chance out of you. But stand your ground. Offer your friendship for whenever she is ready for help to change, but the relationship clearly has run its course.
As someone who is in a relationship with someone who had a very toxic marriage it can be hard to let go of guilt, but remind yourself this is the best for you both. She doesn't seem to think she needs you nor does she desire to accept your love. No matter your vows, this doesn't fit into them.
She might get the help she needs, then she can process everything easier while you are separated.
mrrinkface writes:
There are some major red flags in your story regarding your wife. A majority of the time a significant other does the things your wife it doing, like being glued to her phone, being disrespectful and disinterested in you, and generally just being really negative towards everything you do, it usually means that they are having an affair.
If I were you I would look into this, check out what she’s doing on her phone that’s mixed in the all the social media stuff she’s into. I might be wrong, but it’s really suspicious, especially if her attitude changed suddenly in the marriage towards you and it keeps progressively getting worse as you’ve said.
Look into this while you work on the divorce, if she is cheating then it would explain a lot and also make the fallout from family and friends way more tolerable.
If you don’t find anything then just be adamant with everyone that she has changed as a person that makes you feel like you’re a doormat in the relationship, and that you don’t feel neglected as a partner, and that you’d rather be single than feel like a prisoner in your own life.
Also, don’t pursue the sister, she’s single and had to move in for a reason so just make sure that you don’t fall for anything. Just be happy that she helped you realize what you feel you deserve out of a partner and that you are not getting it.
fallingpart3 writes:
Divorce her. My uncle made the mistake of having kids with a woman that was always negative and never paid attention to him and was just awful to him all the time.
He used to love spending time with my mom whenever we visited because my mom hated my aunt and tried lifting my uncle up as much as she could.
I remember vividly seeing my uncle cry once when he was singing us a song (he was an amazing singer and guitar player) and my aunt shut him up and told him no one wanted to hear him sing.
He was a kind and amazing man, and he died way too soon. He knew he was getting sick but never sought treatment because he was too defeated to do so. And my aunt never cared, even if she herself is a doctor.
Once my uncle passed away at 62, she put up the act of the sad widow when she was only a closeted lesbian that used my uncle to pretend she was straight and have kids.
My cousins were also like my aunt, they were cold and in their own worlds most of the time. I used to hug my uncle and he would immediately feel happy someone was holding him. Please, leave before it's too late. Everyone deserves a happy marriage, not a miserable life of unhappiness.
And now, OP's major update:
My first post got a lot of traction. I appreciate all the supportive messages i have gotten and especially all the people sharing their own experience. You definitely helped me to get some perspective in the matter.
The past couple of days I have been able to clear my head about my marriage. I realized that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who cares about me and loves me.
She clearely doesn't. I want to be with someone who respects me enough to put her phone down when we are having dinner and I'm trying to talk to her and isn't ignoring me to watch tiktoks. I'm done trying and getting nothing in return. I am done giving it my all and getting nothing back.
I have been trying to communicate and make things better for a whole year and have been completely neglected. I still have love for my wife butI'm not in love with her anymore.
I want to move on with my life and find the right one for me and lead a happy life. I have already been in contact with my divorce attorney and am getting the process started.
I turned 32 2 days ago and my wife didn't even acknowledge my existence. Instead, she went out with her friends that night. Even her sister rememberd my birthday and got me a present. She was even shocked that my wife ignored my birthday like this.
We ended up having dinner together at a restaurant and she even paid for the both of us. I didn't even feel the need to mention my birthday to my wife because I knew that at this point she didn't really care.
This really made me lock my decision. I don't care if she is depressed or not, if she doesn't even care enough about me to remember and acknowledge my birthday and rather goes out with her friends, I don't want to be with her.
People kept saying that we should go to counseling and therapy to patch things out. For the past year I have been trying to get my wife to couples therapy with me but she just refuses and gets angry with me as always.
I have tried everything I could've thought of to make my marriage work but she pretty much shuts everything down I try. I've tried so hard to make my marriage work and put in so much effort, but now I have had enough of it.
A lot of people tried to diagnose my wife with depression in my previous post, but I'm not a medical professional so I can only talk from my perspective.
To me it seemed like she was living her own life without me and that she would get frustrated with everything I got involved in. I'm not going to say if she has or doesn't have depression, that's not for me to determine.
Whether she has it or not, I don't find that a valid excuse to treat me the way she has been for the past year. She didn't even have the respect to communicate and talk to me like a decent human being instead of being on her phone or ignoring me. If she has depression, she'll have to figure that out on her own without me.
A lot of people were also suggesting that I just want a divorce to get with her sister, that's not true. I want a divorce so I can get myself out of this miserable marriage and so I can move on with my life.
I have no plan pursuing her sister. I'm getting this divorce for my own well being. L said that she finds the divorce unfortunate but that she supports my decision. She even suggested that we stay friends after because we get along great.
When I told her that I was divorcing her, some little bit in me hoped she would realize what has been happening in the past year and try to apologize and make things good again or something. Instead she started getting angry with me and started yelling at me.
As always instead of taking responsibility, she started blaming me. At this point I stopped caring and didn't respond to all her yelling. I told her that my decision was final.
I also suggested her to see a medical professional to figure her possible depression out, but what she does with that advice is really non of my concern. L knew something was up and tried to talk with my wife about what was going on but pretty much got dismissed and yelled at for getting her nose in our business.
For now, I'll be sleeping on the couch and living my own life. L informed me that she is moving out and was able to find a place so I'll be taking the guest bedroom when she gets out.
I'm in the middle of trying to figure things out with my lawyer and hopefully we will be able move fast in this divorce (ut probably not). I'm mentally preparing my self for everything that will happen to me socially and I accept that. I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life.