Man discovers disturbing convo between GF and her abusive ex-bf; plots revenge with her parents. AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this man is disturbed by what he finds on his GF's phone and doesn't know what to do, he asks Reddit:
"I found some weird stuff in my GF's phone. I'm thinking of breaking up with her. AITA?"
Not all of the events that have happened will be put in to keep my anonymity so forgive me for any spacey bits.
I (27M) am unsure what to do about my gf Em (26). Some back story, I met Em 3 years ago at a store, we hit it off immediately, we spent all our spare time hanging out together, and then 2 months later we started dating.
Before we started dating, she told me of her past relationship. Her boyfriend during their relationship was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.
She broke up with him after 3 years together ( I met her roughly 2 years after the break up). She knows I hate his guts, that I think of him as despicable and I’m glad that this fr lives 17 hours away.
While they were together, Em had made a bond with Ex’s child. When we talked about this, I initially understood her feelings toward his child, having practically raised them and supported her wanting to stay in contact.
Her ex soon decided to cut her off shortly after we started dating. Nothing was heard from either of them for 4 months.
Then the harassment came. He would blow up her phone with sexist jokes, saying how bad of a person she was, how he knows that she’d fuck up her current relationship, the list goes on. I told her that this was unacceptable and to block him, she agreed and did so right then.
Now we come to the present, we were in bed, and I will say that she has me check her phone if it goes off in case it’s her parents as their getting up there in age and we help out at their house quite often. It goes off, I check it. And it’s him. I shouldn’t have but I check the message, and it opens the whole conversation.
And they’re chatting as if they’re good friends. I’m confused, I’ve lost count how many times she’s told me she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him ever again. The latest being Saturday.
But this has apparently been going on for at least a month and I’m shocked that she hasn’t told me, when she had when he tried to contact her last year. I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to start that conversation at the time.
She tried to hide it from me later when he texted again, seeing the notification and quickly scrolling past it when showing me something.
I confronted her about it and she said that he’s “just talking to me about his kid” when there was no mentioning of him at all. I feel bad for intruding, but to see that going on... Am I just insecure?
Idk how I feel, I don’t know how to calmly approach this situation with what I know and what I’ve been told.
Before we provide OP's major updates (about his gf's parents), let's take a look at one of the top responses:
unlikelymove writes:
First time ever commenting on reddit, I'm usually just reading, but upon reading your story, I feel I have to tell you this.
This is a major red flag in so many ways, and there is no way this ends well for you in these conditions.
First off, let me tell you I've been in bad relationships, and I'm now very happily married. It's difficult to see that a relationship is bad when you're in it, but once you're out of it and in a very healthy one, you look back at things and can't believe what you were actually putting up with.
I'm telling you this beforehand, so you understand for any outsider with a good relationship, this is an unthinkable situation.
The "keeping in touch for his child" part, is an excuse to stay in touch with him. You seem like a good guy, so probably you don't understand, but some people are unfortunately addicted to being treated poorly. It's an addiction, and it's bad.
The lying and hiding part of the conversation goes to show that she's fully aware that this is not ok, and also why she downplays it when you discover it. She's still in a toxic relationship with her ex, and this will blow up on you if you stay in between.
I have two advices: If you're really attached and in love, walk away for some time and give her an ultimatum, either she cuts all contacts with her ex, either it's over. But don't take any compromise on this, her ex's kid or not. Also, don't accept anymore lies, small or big.
If you're not extremely attached and / or in love, just walk away, it's better for your well being.
This is a real issue, and it will turn worst with time if you don't take action. It won't resolve on its own unfortunately. I wish you good luck OP, and stay strong. You must think of your on well being first. Keep us updated if you can!
And now, OP's first major update:
So I’d like to thank the users who took the time to respond to my post. In short detail, we broke up.
I decided to have a sit down with my gf, I asked her why she was really texting her ex, she said that she needed “someone to talk to about life and vent” and apparently he’s a better choice for that than I.
I also was shown ALL of the messages, she didn’t bother trying to delete anything as it would show that it had been. But he was clearly trying to drag her back or break apart our relationship.
Subtle flirting and even some “knight in shining armor” bs. She told him she thinks I cheated in the past with my former boss, because I sent her and my manager memes and often helped her and her wife with projects to make extra money while they prepared to sell their house.
I read multiple messages from him on how he would have beaten me to pulp if he was still in town, how he was so upset that he put holes in his wall.
The cheesy shit. How he would never cheat on her (he cheated twice, I hope y’all can see he’s also a narcissist) and insisting that me helping them out was suspicious as it was only during the weekend I would do this...
even though I always sent her pictures of the work I did, receipts for the supplies, even footage of me working from their home cameras they have for their 3 dogs, and there was never a question asked to me about what I was doing over there aside from what time I expected to be finished, and was normally done on-time or early.
Oh and I didn’t mention that she didn’t tell him we had gotten it sorted out, that I had never in fact cheated. She didn’t tell him anything to dissuade him or defuse the situation after he had threatened me like that. Nothing. Whether she thought it was serious or not.
I was very upset by what I read, I felt like I had no value to her, that I wasn’t trusted. No matter what I did for her, it seemed that I wasn’t enough.
I pressed her, I told her she has two options, she cuts him off and we go to therapy, or she can continue to have her chats with him and I walk away. Honestly I should have just ended it myself but I was curious as to what she would do.
But it’s over, she refused to cut him off, saying her only chance to talk to his child again is by talking to him. I told her if that a child that isn’t even hers and a man who abused her is all she really cares about then good luck with that.
Grabbed my stuff, and left. Rude? Yeah, I let my emotions get a hold of me. And I got more revenge. I called her parents, and ended up telling them we’ve split.
They’re great people, they told me they’re sorry that things turned out the way they did. They’ve even invited me out for dinner Friday, just me and them so I can get some of my tools I’ve loaned them and to talk more about this.
I thought about declining their offer to dinner but her mom is too sweet for her own good. And her dad and I always have a blast having a drink together. So I’m going Friday. I’ve doubled down on my decision.
And knowing them they probably won’t press me to try to make it work. After all this I’m going to treat myself to a nice bottle of Sake I’ve been saving in my fridge and just, relax. Thank you for bearing with me on this huge ass update.
Readers weighed in on the first update:
itsallmenow writes:
There's every chance she WILL come back to try and reel you back in when she realises what a fg idiot she is being. Don't believe it, stick to your guns and keep her away.
She'll come to realise at some point that she's still in an abusive relationship with him, and will want to grab back on to you just for some stability, but if she really cared about you enough, she would have chosen you this time. She's too damaged to be any use to you without making your life harder, don't bite the lure.
constantcult writes:
She needs therapy, man, she really linked to this abusive sh't under the disguise that she cares about the kid. She maybe does but probably wants the d' again. You shouldn't be caught up in this sh't and good that you left.
You weren't rude, you were real. But don't vent to her parents when you see them on friday, just tell them that you were happy that you met them and thank them for the nice hospitality but after this evening, you can't come to them again.
Break down the bridges, otherwise she will try to come back to you with the help of her parents when she realized (and for everything that's holy I hope she does) that narc boy isn't a good man. You should never be someones second option.
gomerpyle writes:
If she truly loved you the way you loved her, she wouldn't have let you go so easily. That's a failure on her part, not yours. Don't regret being a good, loving person, but lament that she wasn't able to feel the same kind of love in return.
I know it hurts but you made the absolute right call. When she reaches back out to try to unf the mess she's made of her life, be civil if you can manage it but don't reverse course. You deserve to be more than a backup plan.
And now, OP's FINAL major update:
Thank you everyone for your kind words, wisdom, and thoughts. Your comments have have helped me so much. Alas,this will be the final update.
Em has tried contacting me non-stop, from calling to messaging me on SM. Begging me to talk with her and work things out. I replied only once saying that I gave her a chance to work this out, to compromise and go to therapy together.
Only for her to refuse and choose her ex and child over me. Apparently yesterday he cut contact with her, blocking her on everything and honestly, I saw it coming. But he’ll probably do it all over again when she finds a new guy.
She’s a wreck, and I pity her somewhat but she’s made her bed and it’s time for her to lay in it.
I told her that there will be no second chance, that I was finished the moment she made her values clear and again suggested she get therapy. I wished her the best and then deleted her off my phone and anything else she was on.
I went out to dinner with her parents last night, and it was actually a good time with them. Her parents were kind yet to the point. Her parents told me not to mince words or leave bits out and just tell them exactly what had been going on.
I tried to tell them that while I respect them, that I did not want to drag them into our relationship problems and wanted there to be no issues with them and their daughter.
Well, her dad told me they had already had a long talk with Em, and regardless, wanted to hear my input. So we talked. I told them about her ex and kid, his threats, him trying to break up our relationship (well I guess you can say he did now).
Her lying and hiding his messages. I told them I gave the choice and what she chose. I insisted to them that they take her to seek professional help, that if she keeps this up she’s going to tear herself up, and any future relationship.
I want her to be happy someday, but it just won’t be with me. I’m tired of the lies and deceit. I just want to move forward and live my life. And I hope she can do the same.
Their response was not exactly what I expected. They apologized to me for her actions, that they were disappointed that things turned out as they had but supported my decision to walk away from her.
I won’t lie, I had expected them to ask me to talk to Em, and try to move past it. But not there was not even an inkling to that. Her mom came and gave me a hug, but her dad just seemed dejected.
I felt like I was plotting revenge with her parents. It was weird. I’d never seen her father look this way, and it felt like a punch to the gut. It hurt seeing him like that knowing there was nothing I could do.
We ended up just sitting there in silence for a minute before he decided to order a round of shots.
A round turned into two, and that seemed to help relax everyone as we started chatting about my future plans, their retirement, goals and hopes. We were out for 3 hours.
Chatting as if we were just normal people. I had a great time, even while it hurt, we cried a few times, we also laughed, and remembered past times when we’d make a fool out of ourselves.
When we were about to part ways, her dad gave me a bone crushing handshake, and a hug which her mom ended up joining in.
This man has never hugged me so I was really caught by surprise, they told me to take care of myself, eat healthy, don’t sink yourself in alcohol and just focus on getting through the days.
They’re going to look at options for therapy for Em, and recommended that I do the same. Which I think I’ll do. They handed me a bag with my tools, said they’re going to miss me, but wished me the best. I gave them my goodbyes and we parted ways.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, both off my chest and my shoulders. I decided I’m taking a break from dating, one day I’ll find someone. But that’s all in the back of the mind.
To others who may be going through similar situations, talk to your partners, if you’ve only talked about going to therapy, schedule a session. If not for you both, do it for yourself.
Do not sacrifice your mental nor physical health for the sake of a relationship. If it’s not healthy, and attempts of improving your relationship fails, walk away. I know for many it’s not that simple, but when will enough, really be enough for you?
Readers still had thoughts on OP's dilemma:
twobionickness writes:
yeah, sucks when the abusive ex has their claws dug in so deep that they are always there. She's an idiot, he hurt her constantly in their relationship then the second she's in the new one not only does he enjoy tormenting her but she allows a monster in her ear to poison her life.
That's the thing, it doesn't matter that he's a monster and blocked her after you broke up, she can see again that he only wants to hurt her. The issue wasn't ever him it was her, it was her seeking approval and help from her abuser and favouring him over you.
Him choosing to leave his relationship with her doesn't fix anything, because it needed to be her choice. Hopefully with therapy she can figure that out but she sounds just, she's basically broken.
The problem with a lot of abusive relationships involve love, and the abuser often will manipulate and gaslight to make the victim feel at fault. So you have the victim desperately trying to fix what is wrong that 'makes' people hurt them.
So even while with you, her brain is telling her, "I'm broken, I have to fix the thing that will make my ex not want to hurt me because then OP/future partners also won't want to hurt me".
Abuse goes deep and yeah, she needs a lot of therapy. The guy is a monster, she'd still feel some of this even if he wasn't deliberately trying to sabotage her, but imagine being abusive and then continuing to abuse your ex's.