Man doesn't tell his 'Friend with Benefits' he's getting married, 'she friend-zoned me.' AITA?
"AITA because I didn't tell my Friend With Benefits that friend-zoned me that I was getting married?"
I had a FWB Lisa. I caught feelings and asked her if we could be more. She said that I was a nice guy and she enjoyed the hookups but she couldn't really imagine a relationship with me because I was promiscuous. She said we should just go back to being friends.
So we did. She dated a bunch of other guys and I met a few women I liked. We stayed friends and I never pushed for more. Not even going back to how it was. I started dating my fiancee, Laura, a few years ago and she became friends with Lisa. She knows about our past relationship and she is okay with it as long as I respect her boundaries. Which I always have and will.
We got engaged last weekend. No wedding plans yet but she is the one. Lisa called me yesterday and asked me if I got engaged. I told her yes. She asked me why I would do that since she was waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship.
I told her that we couldn't be friends any more and immediately told Laura what happened. She told me I shouldn't, not couldn't, hang around with Lisa any more. I told her that I already said we couldn't be friends.
A few of our friends from college have told me I'm a d-k for cutting Lisa out since I knew she always had a thing for me. I said that nobody informed me that I was her backup plan. I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one's second choice.
Lisa did ask me to have a coffee with her to talk. I went after I told Laura what I was up to. Lisa said that I was an ahole for not telling her that I was serious about Laura and that I was planning on getting engaged.
She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now. WHAT? She said she didn't realize how serious we were since Laura and I don't live together yet.
We both live with our parents to save money for life. My folks are semi retired and spend nine months of the year away on vacations. Laura's parents are happy to have her there to help with her younger siblings.
I know I made the right decision cutting her off but I'm wondering how the eff I was supposed to know. I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it. Laura and I were dating but not serious. How is it my fault if she never informed me?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Old-Law-7395 said:
NTA, she can't friendzone you and then call dibs. Sounds like you were her plan B.
No_Lavishness_3206 said:
NTA. She tried to keep you as an insurance future. Tough luck for her. You moved on. Congratulations on your engagement.
ben_kosar said:
NTA - Lisa wasn't ready for a real relationship anyway, and still isn't. She waited, didn't communicate, and found out. Relationships need to be built upon both trust and communication, which you have done with Laura. Just shows you that Lisa herself isn't ready for not just you, but probably anyone on that level.
GeoffreyTaucer said:
I am always baffled at how common it seems to be for one person to turn another down, and then act like they have some sort of ownership over the person they turned down. Like, you had the offer, you rejected it, they move on; that's how this sh%t works. NTA.
thedjbigc said:
I'm not sure what you're looking for here - though I really, really, really recommend living with your partner before you marry them. Even if you are saving money and being frugal there - you can easily find out that you are completely incompatible living with someone who you care about. NAH honestly - you guys sound pretty immature and neither of you communicated particularly well.
omrmajeed said:
NTA. You did the absolute right thing. She is just skirting responsibility of her own actions. She just wanted you on a leash. Good thing you escaped her toxicity.
Purple-Clerk-8165 said:
NTA. Lisa doesn't get "dibs" on you in case she's interested. What a weirdo.
Mario_lop919 said:
NTA. You were backup and even so, why didn’t she speak up? It’s messed up that a “friend” was waiting for you to fail so she could come up. If she was a friend she would have taken interest but she was just looking out for herself interest.
Cut her out of your life. She is just going to be problems and kudos to your fiancé for being understanding and you for being transparent with her. Keep that healthy communication going.
KinkyHalfpenny said:
NTA. I know girls like this and I hope that they’ve grown out of it but Lisa wants to know that she can have you whenever- she doesn’t actually want you. It’s power trip for her. The best thing to do is to cut her out completely and live happily with Laura.