Man freaks when GF threatens him; 'You need to get rid of your deceased wife's things or I'm leaving.' UPDATED

"My girlfriend says I need to get rid of my dead wife’s stuff or she’s leaving."

I first got married at the age of 18 to my girlfriend I’d had since age 15. We enjoyed 6 years of marriage together before she died in a motorcycle accident, leaving me broken and severely depressed for years.

A bit over one year ago (4 years after my wife’s passing) I met my current girlfriend at a work event and we really hit it off. I’d decided that it was time for me to start looking for a serious partner again and that my wife would’ve wanted me to be happy.

My current girlfriend and I became more serious over time and we moved in together 2 weeks ago. I’ve talked with her extensively about my deceased wife and the mental health issues it brought to me and she has been nothing but supportive and loving.

The problems began after we moved in together. I have a small chest that I used to keep under my bed that has a few things that belonged to my deceased wife along with some photos of the two of us.

During the moving process my girlfriend noticed the chest and asked about it, so I explained what it was and showed her the contents. I didn’t really expect it to be a big deal, but since I showed her things have never been worse for us.

She sat me down that night and explained that because I still had the chest and wanted to keep it, it was indication to her that I hadn’t moved on from my deceased wife and that she doesn’t think she can continue the relationship unless I “get rid of it”. I was pretty shocked at this, and told her that I needed some time to think about it.

Well, it’s been two weeks now and I still don’t know what to do. My current girlfriend and I have had no major problems up until this point, and she’s asking me daily when I plan to get rid of it and says she can’t live in the same space as the special chest.

I really don’t want to get rid of it but I want to continue my relationship with her as well. What can I say to get her to understand? Or am I being crazy by keeping those things for years?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comment and responses from OP:

razzledazzle626: Let her leave.

MyCatKnits: No no no, make her leave and protect that chest and the contents while doing so

pumalumaisheretosay: Yep. Pure going to wake up one day and she will have thrown it out. You better hustle.

Much-Vanilla-7261: Sorry but what did you two talk about extensively when you spoke about your deceased wife? Because clearly you and gf are not on the same page about it. You’re not crazy for wanting to keep your wife’s things, she didn’t leave you, she passed away.

And there’s no ‘moving on’ from that. However, if your gf is someone who doesn’t understand that, and if her views are that you need to ‘move on or else breakup’, then so be it. Not saying if it’s right or wrong, but she’s entitled to her views. I just wish you guys had a better understanding before moving on together.

OP: Most of our conversations about it were how it took me a long time to be at peace with it and not angry at the world for taking her away, and the struggles I went through during the whole process.

I feel stupid now that I didn’t bring up the chest to her in conversation; id mentioned I still had some of her stuff but I guess I should’ve been more explicit that I had a chest I wanted to keep with me.

And now, OP's update:

Wow, I did not expect that amount of feedback at all on the post. Sorry I haven’t responded to many comments it was a bit overwhelming to wake up to thousands of them. But I wanted to provide some more information and an update about how everything went down

Some people were wondering how often I look at the chest and talk about my late wife. I spend prolonged time with the chest and it’s contents usually twice a year, on our anniversary date and her death date.

So I’m not constantly opening it and having it out and around and stuff. I feel as though I find the most comfort just knowing that’s its nearby, strangely enough, which is why I wanted to keep it in the house. Most of the conversations about my previous marriage have been prompted by my girlfriend, not me.

I can talk about it pretty openly when asked about my late wife but I seldom bring her up on my own in conversation, she used to be all I ever talked about and it was annoying and uncomfortable to people in my life.

Looking back on a lot of our conversations, my girlfriend would frequently ask questions trying to gauge if I was still mourning or if I was happy again; now with the chest incident, that makes sense to me that it has been an unvoiced insecurity for a while. At the time I suppose I just thought she was asking if I was depressed still, but I see now she was trying to ask if I was “over” my late wife.

When my girlfriend asked me to get rid of the chest, she did in fact mean dispose of it. I didn’t go into great detail about the conversation we had when she sat me down, but I proposed keeping it more tucked away (not in our bedroom) or at another persons home, and she continued to say...

I was still hanging on and not ready for a relationship in her eyes, and keeping it somewhere else didn’t change that. I am definitely not getting rid of the chest (and by that I mean disposing of it) and it’s been locked in my car the past couple days while I’ve been dealing with this.

I got some really good advice from you guys and tried to have an open honest conversation with her today, asking her why the chest was so significant as to give me an ultimatum, and why she felt like I had to get rid of it to continue growing our relationship.

She said the entire relationship we’ve had, she’s always felt like she had to match up to the standards of my late wife, or be even better so that I would stay with her, and that me still having the chest was the confirmation that she will always be lesser than.

If I got rid of the chest, it would be confirmation that I was ready to give my whole heart to her. This broke my heart honestly, and I couldn’t believe she never told me she was feeling this way and that I didn’t see it. It also made me feel confused because I’ve been trying to show her the best I can that I can give her my heart in other ways, why do I need to dump these precious memories to do that?

I told her that the relationship with my late wife and my relationship with her are entirely independent of one another, and that I was focused on building trust and love with her, not trying to replace my late wife or compare her by any means.

I told her that I couldn’t dispose of the chest because it meant a lot to me sentimentally, but that I wasn’t keeping it to hang on or cling to my late wife, I just felt as though it was an important part of my history and I wanted to honor her memory. Some of the trinkets in the chest were from when we were 16 years old, going to high school dances and learning how to drive together. I couldn’t simply trash those.

I reassured her that I loved her for exactly who she was, not the position she held in my life or how similar she was to my late wife. I told her that I could see us building a life together and that I was focused on our future, not my past.

I told her that there is absolutely no competition and that while I was hurt by the ultimatum I was ready to move past this and move the chest to storage somewhere else.

It wasn’t enough for her. I don’t know what else I needed to say or do to communicate my love and dedication, but she was dead set on me getting rid of the chest or her leaving!

I told her a final time that there was not an ounce of a chance I was getting rid of it. Radio silence, then she gets a bag of her stuff, hops in her car and drives off, ignoring me when I asked what was going on.

After calling her multiple times for a few hours I learned she’s staying with a friend (who she called in the car I guess, so she originally just drove off not knowing where she was going) and making arrangements to move out next week. I’m still in shock, but I mostly feel confused and hollow. Maybe I truly wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe she is just crazy. Maybe a bit of both.

TL:DR- girlfriend made good on her ultimatum and did in fact leave after I didn’t get rid of my dead wife’s stuff.

That’s the full update. Sort of went how a lot of the comments predicted, but I feel like absolute sh%. Going to order takeout and play video games all weekend to try and reset. Cheers to being alone I guess.

Readers continued to weigh in:

vacna writes:

Not all of us are that threatened by the mementos of a previous love. I’m in a relationship with someone who outlived their previous companion, and they were together longer than I’ve been alive (intergenerational relationships CAN be healthy when you are both grownups), and when he wanted to exchange rings early on in our relationship (we aren’t married because reasons),

he was going to quit wearing the ring his late partner gave him and wear mine instead, and I told him absolutely not (we both liked the ring as it happens).

I suggested he wear my ring on the traditional finger and the other ring on the right hand (I’ve read that’s a widow’s ring spot and it seemed appropriate). I have zero desire to make him get rid of anything that reminds him of the person he spent half a lifetime with and I’m not threatened by that relationship at all.

I’ve no reason to be. In fact I’ve even met some of the late partner’s family at times and it’s been fine. OOP dodged a major bullet here.

sabela writes:

NGL... ex GF is trash. Look. If you don't want to "compete" with someone's dead partner? Don't date someone with a dead partner. It sounds like OOP made it CLEAR that their relationship was different, and frankly?

It's horrible that the ex just... expected him to totally get rid of his dead wife's stuff. That isn't something you can "move past" or "forget"- you can only move forward with your memories and build something new on the foundation of your past.

Ex-gf's insecurities sound like they were entirely her own. WTF did she expect- that she would come along and OOP would magically forget all about the woman he married and lost tragically? That she would "fix him" or somehow change the fact that he lost his wife? That she would be "better"? Hell no.

Sayitlouder4dppl: As a wife currently in heartfailure I hope my husband remembers me and holds on to the memory of me. I do want him to move on and make room in his heart for someone else but I would hate to be forgotten forever like I never existed. 2 times a year especially such significant dates are perfectly fine and I think you dodged a bullet.

ToastyFox__: I think for some its just a dealbreaker. The positive out of this is that she made good on her ultimatum and just made a clean break. I bet it hurts now, but its much healthier than the continued resentment or it escalating to them tampering with op's memories. Obviously we don't know if that's a possibility. But it was always a risk, people can be very vindictive in that sense, and you only realise once the damage is done.

OOP: This is a thought I had too. Her leaving is still preferable to a fake forgiveness and then things getting even worse down the line. She could’ve done that and I wouldn’t of been the wiser. I’m still pretty inexperienced with relationships, I’ve had 2 serious ones in 30 years of life